Magnificent Bastard

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Robert Downey Jr. Goatee Advisory System Shifts from 'Guarded' to 'Severe'

Robert Downey Jr. Goatee Advisory System Shifts from 'Guarded' to 'Severe'
TOP
At the Oscars, Robert Downey Jr.'s goatee was fairly subtle, but also showing signs of gray, which experienced facial hair analysts typically interpret as a warning sign of brewing facial hair trouble. Thus, his Goatee Advisory System, aka his sunglasses, were indicating a threat level of blue, or "Guarded: General risk of jet-black Vegas magician goatee attack."

BOTTOM
At the Hollywood premiere of Iron Man 2, things had taken a clear turn for the worse, with Downey's Goatee Advisory system getting the upgrade from blue to red, or "Severe: Severe risk of jet-black Vegas magician goatee attack." If you're located in Southern California, it can't hurt to stock up on bottled water and canned food until the Robert Downey Jr. Goatee Advisory System drops to at least yellow. ("Elevated: Significant risk of jet-black Vegas magician goatee attack.")

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  • 3 oz rye whiskey
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  • 3 dashes Fee Brothers Whiskey Barrel-Aged bitters

Stir over ice, strain into a chilled cocktail glass, and garnish with a pearl onion.


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