Magnificent Bastard

Monday, September 22, 2014

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5 Ways Not to Look Like Yankee Doodle Toolbag on the 4th of July

Note the subtle jet plane detail
Note the subtle jet plane detail
Nothing tests the Magnificent Bastard principle of understatement more than holidays. Halloween is the worst, followed closely by the 4th of July. Red, white, and blue are great colors for Ol' Glory and beer cans, but unless you're a superhero, too much red, white, and blue in your wardrobe at any one time can make you look like you're hitting the bricks to shill your local tax return service. If you're looking for a role model, choose Founding Father Thomas Jefferson over Uncle Sam — subtlety trumps bombast every time.

Of course, on a day when bombs — or at least their Las Vegas cousins, Class 1.1G fireworks — are bursting in air, subtlety's a relative concept and some red, white and blue in your wardrobe is completely appropriate. With that mind, here are 5 ways to show your patriotism without looking like Yankee Doodle Toolbag on the 4th of July.

HAT

Block Elco
$50

Block Headwear makes our favorite hats. Salute the spirit of Betsy Ross by hiring a seamstress to create a new temporary hatband for you using 67 cents worth of grosgrain ribbon from M&J Trimming. Get the 7/8" size.

SHIRT

Boast Tipped Polo
$68

Is President Bush spending the 4th at his trophy ranch in Crawford, sipping a near-beer and wearing a Boast tipped polo like he did in the goold old days? We have no idea, but we like to think so.

WATCH STRAP

NATO strap
$13

Give your MB-endorsed Zulu strap a week off and go with a red, white & blue NATO strap. Just $13.

BEER KOOZIE

Red, White & Blue Beer Koozie
$4.95 for pair

Until Pabst resurrects one of our favorite beer brands of all time, you can pretend it's the real thing with the Red, White & Blue beer koozie.

JACKET

Moncler Track Jacket
$250

It's become popular in recent years to bash the French, but while America was fighting for its independence, the French gave us the spirit of Enlightment that would later inform our Constitution, military support, and, we're guessing, some pretty good pastries. Show your gratitude with this Moncler track jacket.

FINAL WORD OF ADVICE: Choose only one of these items and leave it at that. Except for the beer koozie. That goes with everything.


Ask the MB: Big-Time Winter Coats

Spiewak N3B Snorkel Parka via evogear.com, $164.95
Spiewak N3B Snorkel Parka via evogear.com. $164.95.
Q: Winter is upon us and I was wondering what is a MB winter coat? I'm talking for below zero, snowy conditions. I figure puffy, bubble coats and bright colored ski jackets are out. So what is a MB to do when it gets really cold and you have to go out?
--Jon G.


A: Puffy coats are definitely not out. Moncler made some of the earliest versions, and the Italians deemed them worthy for the initial ascent of K2 in 1954.

However, if you don't have an extra $900-$1000 lying around we really, really like the Spiewak N3B Snorkel Parka (also developed in the '50s) and it's just $164.95. Yeah, it is a little overkill for your garden-variety winter weather, but a good defense when Jack Frost is nipping at your nose like a pit bull trained by Michael Vick.

POURCAST

BETA

Old Fashioned

  • 1 raw sugar cube
  • 2 dashes Angostura bitters
  • 3 oz bourbon

On bottom of Old Fashioned glass (what else?) dribble bitters on sugar cube. Muddle. Fill with ice, then with bourbon. Garnish with lemon twist. No, not a thick orange wedge, handful of cherries, or a cup of fruit salad. A simple lemon wedge.


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