Magnificent Bastard

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

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Monday Morning Quarterback Week 15

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 15

It's Week 3 of Monday Morning Quarterback, a feature that combines our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style.

Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.

Jay Cutler

Passer Rating: 102.2

Dresser Rating: 63.1

Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 64.5

This week Cutler's presser dressing symbolizes his quarterback play: Occasional brilliance — scarf tied in loose "playoff tuck" style — marred by a boneheaded pick, like this skully.

EARLIER: 7 Ways to Tie a Scarf Based on the Game-Time Temperature at Lambeau Field

Geno Smith

PR: 68.6

DR: 57.3

TMBQBR: 39.3

Hanging a big, pressed woven collar outside a crewneck is a rookie mistake, as is over-accessorization. Go with either the Jets-colored boutonniere or the pocket square, not both.

EARLIER: Collar Tucking with Crewnecks. JFK and William F. Buckley

Mike Glennon

PR: 75.5

MBR: 45.3

TMBQBR: 34.2

Mike Glennon has added reading Monday Morning Quarterback to his game-day preparation. Two consecutive weeks with large jacket gapes split wide to his right, he's clearly seen a tailor to tighten his collar coverage.

Carson Palmer

PR: 100.8

DR: 29.0

TMBQBR: 29.2

Just two weeks removed from winning MB Player of the Week honors as an NFL quarterback disguised as a professor, Palmer is hit for a big loss, with the age-inappropriate tandem of hoodie and skully each recording half a sack.

EARLIER: MB ANALYTICS: Hoodie vs. Cardigan Chart

Eli Manning

PR: 31.9

DR: 59.3

TMBQBR: 18.9

Manning could've dressed like Tom Brady on his best day and still been well down the MMQB rankings due to his comically bad performance against the Seahawks. Layering is an MB principle, but that value (3) should never be exceeded by the number of interceptions (5). Nor should the number of quarter-zip mock sweaters (1) ever exceed TD passes (0).

EARLIER: Layering: A Key MB Principle

Andrew Luck

PR: 82.8

DR: 0.0

TMBQBR: 0.0

Three weeks into Monday Morning Quarterback and Andrew Luck still can't read the reporter blitz and is missing wide-open showers. Luck looks like the Geico caveman, only worse-dressed.

EARLIER: Andrew Luck Sacked Again by Blitzing Reporters

Ask the MB: Hoodie With Blazer

Ask the MB: Hoodie With Blazer
Q: What do you think of a blazer with a hoodie? Like this Daniele Alessandrini in deep purple? Thanks.

--Alain


A: Alain, what we have here is the apparel equivalent of the Leno/O'Brien late night war. A blazer is designed to be outerwear. A hoodie is designed to be outerwear. But if they're both owned by the same torso, they can't each be outerwear at the same time. In this case, we say fire them both.

Ask the MB: 'Hipster' Look

'I'm so depressed! If I had two heads, I could wear a hoodie too.'
'I'm so depressed! If I had two heads, I could wear a hoodie too.'
I'm 5'10" 140 lbs. with a semi-athletic build. What is the best kind of jeans, shirt, hoodie and possibly hat to go for a hipster look?
--Patrick


A: Hat and hoodie? Do you have two heads? Because if so, 140 lbs. is really skinny.

Even if you've got just one head, we're not sure why you're wanting to go for this look. However, if you insist: spend $150 at Urban Outfitters, donate your razor blades to hairy orphans in Malawi, and you're there.

(Pictured: Cable Knit Marled Beanie, via Urban Outfitters.)

Ask the MB: Will Smith Hoodie

Ask the MB: Will Smith Hoodie
Q: What kind of hoodie is Will Smith wearing in Hancock and where do you get one?
--Ric


A: The actual hoodie worn by Smith in the scene pictured is now for sale on eBay (auction ends Wednesday). It's a grey Russell Athletic you can get just about anywhere. As for the two-tone version he's wearing on the beach (inset), we're doing some digging.

Ask the MB

Ask the MB
Q: Are track jackets in this year?
—Ben


A: Sadly, this year track jackets have been replaced by the "hoodie," a trend Magnificent Bastards should not participate in. For instance, look at this ridiculous Kidrobot skulls hoodie (from Barney's Co-Op no less) that you're likely to see on a bum sometime next fall. As a countervailing measure we recommend confident MBs slip into this Adidas hybrid track jacket/cardigan from coolestshop.

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  • 1/8 oz crème de violette

Lightly shake, strain into a chilled cocktail glass, garnish with lemon twist.


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