Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.
A year later, giving up the sack record to Michael Strahan
Q: As we MBs get older, most of us fight a valiant battle against middle-age spread. My svelte lines aren't what they used to be, despite my efforts, and I'm finding it harder and harder to make my Magnificent outfits look right. What advice do you have for us over-35 MBs to help us maintain our Bastardly good looks and taste in the face of increasing waistlines? What fits or methods are going to universally look MB on the bigger man? Thanks, and keep up the good work!
A: A few weeks into the 2000 season, when 30 year-old quarterback Brett Favre was dealing with both tendonitis and conditioning issues, John Madden said, "The older you get, the harder you have to work." While it seems a little backwards and slightly unfair, it's the truth for QBs and MBs alike.
So, Red, we're not going to tell you to which shades of lipstick to apply to a pig, or which oversized camp shirt looks best untucked. Because we can't, in good conscience, plop you down on the very slippery slope to sweatpants and tracksuits.
In other words, get to work.
Tom, what happened?
Q: Hello! I'm sending my mother and father to the San Francisco Opera for Wagner's Ring Cycle and it has been formally requested that all men wear tuxedos to opening night. This has sent us on a search for the perfect tuxedo. Now, we already know that you recommend a double-vented jacket for maximum bastardliness, but on the matter of the pants: pleated or plain? Thanks so much for your magnificence!
A: In Apocalypse Now Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore had his boys play Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries because "it scares the hell out of the slopes!," but it shouldn't scare your father from flat front trousers. Middle age is no excuse for pleats. Like smoking grass leads to heroin addiction, they're gateway attire to sweatpants, followed closely by full-on tracksuits.
Last week longtime reader Duncan suggested we predict World Cup quarterfinal appearances based on the teams' coaches' match-day attire. The Saturday matches played out as you'd expect. From top:
Uruguay's Oscar Tabarez wears boxy banker suits, but was an easy winner over South Korea's Huh Jung-Moo, who's officially the last person on earth who should be wearing a spread collar. In the other match Ghana's Milovan Rajevac could've worn almost anything to beat Bob Bradley; the poor bastard's only a fanny pack shy of pulling off of the archetypal clueless American tourist look.
The Sunday matchups were a different story. The normally natty Joachim Loew wore some kind of royal blue synthetic v-neck under a blazer and his German team still crushed Fabio Capello's Englishmen. Then Mexico's Javier Aguirre's understated elegance easily succumbed to the noisy, shiny, diamond earring-wearing Diego Maradona, who looks a contestant on the Argentine version of Tool Academy.
So far it's a flip of a coin. A 50-50 proposition. How should things play out?
Paraguay (Gerardo Martino) over Japan (Takeshi Okada)
Portugal (Carlos Queiroz) over Spain (Vicente Del Bosque)
Netherlands (Bert van Marwijk) over Slovakia (Vladimir Weiss)
Brazil (Dunga) over Chile (Marcello Bielsa)
Channing Tatum's got the Vans part right
Q: MB, what are your thoughts on airplane attire? Comfortable is a plus, but of course it must be bastardly enough to defy the disturing trend of pajama wearers who have inundated our nation's skies.
A: We agree, today's fliers look like they're ready to either a.) attend a slumber party, or b.) run the 100 meter hurdles. Millions of Americans in tracksuits is probably not the outcome Osama bin Laden had in mind, but in the War on Style, the terrorists have won.
Just a couple of simple rules here: 1.) Wear pants that don't require a belt (no drawstrings or elastic allowed), and 2.) Wear a pair of shoes you can easily slip on and off, like these John Varvatos canvas slip-on loafers or for something more casual, Sperry slip-ons, or Vans.
Q: Dear MB: I am a basketball coach and would like to carry my magnificent ways from the classroom to the practice court. What kind of athletic apparel do you recommend to keep me on the magnificent path. Thanks.
A: Press, the answer to your question lies in a '70s TV drama. Ken Reeves, aka "The White Shadow," shows the way magnificently, just as he showed Carver High's ball club how to run the high pick-and-roll with Coolidge and Salami: fitted white polo with deep placket and pointed collar, slim track pants with contrast side stripe(s), and low-top sneakers.
Here's how to pull it together:
* Wyatt jersey pocket polo, via bluefly.com
* Nike Silver Vintage Killshot shoes, via urbanoutfitters.com
* Adidas Superstar track pants, via shopadidas.com
* Metal whistle from the American Whistle Corporation, the only metal whistle manufacturer in the U.S.
via Neiman Marcus. $296.00.
Still wondering how Juicy Couture shows up at Neiman Marcus. Anyone?