Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.
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 Q: I've been dating a lady for about 6 months and I want to get her a Christmas gift as spectacular as she is. Does the SB have any suggestions or a list of things she's wanting for Christmas?
—Cameron
Ed. note: The Spectacular Bitch's site is just about ready, finally. Thank God. In the meantime she answers questions here sometimes, like now.
A: Dear Cameron,
I love and adore that you are giving this some forethought, you sweet little buck, you. There is nothing like the heady first months of new love, and you, my dear, are smitten.
Nevertheless, as you know, the key to gifting in a new relationship is to walk the delicate line between overwhelming the girl and underwhelming the girl. Obviously, avoid anything electronic or practical — forever. At the six month mark you need to be thinking romance and whimsy.
If you ask me, which you did, the perfect gift for your lovely SB is a beautiful clutch. Wrapped up, it's like opening a jewel but without all the implied history of giving and receiving jewelry. It's an object that, by its nature, foretells of sparkly nights out on the town — don't you want to be that guy? Basically a clutch is fun. And pretty. And girlie. And glam.
To my mind, Lauren Merkin makes a genius clutch — drop dead sophisticated, impeccably well crafted, to die for gorgeous, with an edge. Tuck a sweet note inside and I guarantee it will live in there for eternity.
Merry merry!
SB  posted:12.1.11 filed under:  Q: I'm struggling to figure out what I should get my groomsmen for being in my wedding. Any ideas?
—Trae
A: If it's your first marriage, you're probably relatively young and so are your groomsmen. They haven't been groomsmen at a ton of weddings yet, so we think it's safe to go with something fairly predictable and yet eminently useful to any man: A decent flask. Yes it's cliché and our endorsement might have something to do with our love affair with alcohol — did you ever think for one second this site is the product of men who are sober? — but it's the only groomsman gift we've ever received that isn't either in a landfill or hidden away in a drawer somewhere. (In fact, this gift is hidden inside our blazers' breast pockets right now.)
Anyhow, we like this Wentworth pewter flask from Kaufmann Mercantile. It's handmade in Sheffield, England, fully satisfying the principle of Anglophilia, and with the 6oz. version, also satisfying the principle of getting tight.
Now, if it's your second marriage or beyond, you need to be a little more creative. In this case, we like the Survival Hand Chain Saw from Garrett Wade. Extremely portable, weighing almost nothing, your groomsmen will find it perfect for sawing through their own arm when they need to escape that bridesmaid they're stuck under the morning after. It's not an item most guys have, but who wouldn't want to have one handy? posted:7.21.11 filed under:From a calming chocolate bar to a pearl rope necklace, we have the MB's mistress covered in this year's version of the Mistress Holiday Gift Guide.
Pictured: personalized orange horse knocker stationery from iomoi. When she inevitably goes nuclear and writes the letter to your wife, it should be stylish. posted:12.9.10 filed under: via geochron.com. $2130.00.From gourmet scooping ketchup to a personal cask of single malt whisky, the 2010 MB Gift Guide is here. But it's not all food and drink. If you have the dough, we definitely recommend you buy him an Original Kilburg Geochron (in brushed stainless steel), an invention second only to TV's yellow first down line in awesomeness. Tomorrow the holiday cocktailing guide. Thursday the MB mistress guide. posted:12.7.10 filed under: Q: This question is for our spectacularly aloof SB. I'm a doting big brother and my 11 year old little sister likes sock monkeys. I was thinking about getting her this hat. I'm pretty confident she'll think it's cute and would wear it. What do you say, fair lady?
--Cameron
Ed. note: While we prepare the SB's site for launch in very early 2011, she is occasionally answering questions in this space.
A: Dearest Cameron,
At age 11, your sister is teetering on the brink of being too cool for everything, so by all means, buy her the sock monkey hat. In this wretched age of gussied-up gossip girls and pole dancing Disney starlets, it's refreshing (not to mention spectacular), to see a girl dressing like a girl. After all, it's the late bloomers who bloom most beautifully in the end. Just be prepared to conduct a stealth mission to make it disappear should she still be wearing it at age 18.
By the way, Cam - may I call you Cam? You are to be commended on your thoughtfulness in choosing the perfect gift for the spectacular ladies in your life. Very MB indeed.
Merry Merry, darling,
SB posted:12.7.10 filed under:Later this week we'll finally be finished with the MB Holiday Gift Guide. One of the items that made the cut is Bob McGinn's The Ultimate Super Bowl Book, which we believe to be the most insightful and enlightening football book ever written and a must for any NFL/football fan ... even if you're team has never won a Super Bowl (hi there, Minnesota Vikings fans!).
We're not recommending the book merely because Bob McGinn is America's best football writer and he happens to cover the Packers (for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel), or because the damn trophy has Vince Lombardi's name on it. No, we like it because it's just really good, as Amazon.com readers can attest. But you didn't get that link from us. Mr. McGinn has requested interested parties contact him directly at bmcginn@journalsentinel.com to get a personalized signed copy. posted:11.30.10 filed under: Q: I've been reading your site for quite a while now and have gotten some great advice. I know SpectacularBitch.com will be up and running soon, but I have a holiday issue. I would like to get my girlfriend a brown leather jacket for the holidays (she has been wanting one for a few months, but she is really picky). I was wondering what leather jackets SpectacularBitch.com would recommend.
--Stefano (MB-in-training)
A: Stefano, buying clothing for a girlfriend is not recommended. Buying clothes for a picky girlfriend? Hang on to the receipt.
Without knowing your gal's style, here are three options for three SB archetypes:
If She Owns Pearls (Classic)
Daryn Suede Hacking Jacket (Top)
This Ralph Lauren Black Label jacket was once $2498.00. It's now just $1099.00.
If She Thinks Snow-shoeing is More Than Just an Excuse to Buy Another Pair of Shoes (Outdoor Enthusiast)
Weathered Leather Peacoat (Middle)
$495.00
If She Might Cheat on You with Angelina Jolie (Bad Girl)
Mike & Chris Maurice Quilted Leather Jacket (Bottom)
$508.20
Good luck and let us know how it turns out. posted:12.14.09 filed under:Made of 100% black sheep's wool, Cordarounds' Black Sheep Sweater is this year's most thoughtful backhanded Christmas gift. Exclusive, imported, and $125, it shows you care enough to give only the finest-quality mixed message. (By the way, mom, we'll take ours in a size L.) posted:12.4.09 filed under: via Costume National. $1214.00.For the Magnificent Bastard who you think has everything, we bet he doesn't have a wool cardigan lined with rabbit fur. We're pretty sure it's like carrying around the lodge at the Ahwahnee Hotel on your back -- it's that cozy and luxurious. Like the rest of Costume National's Fall 2009 collection, it's now 40% off. posted:12.4.09 filed under: 'Sweet Nothings'via In God We Trust. $80.00.These may be better suited for your mistress than your girlfriend or wife, but In God We Trust's Shana Tabor has come up with some exceptionally cheeky engraved heart necklaces. Consider these high risk/reward. Like a 490 yard par 5 with water in front of the green: a good birdie opportunity but could quickly turn into an 8. Call 718-388-2012 with questions or to place an order. posted:2.5.09 filed under: Q: I just started dating a truly Magnificent Bastard. But it seems he has everything! With Valentine's Day coming up, I'm at a loss as to what to get him (under $100 since we're new), any suggestions for an outside-the-bedroom present (he's already getting a bedroom present)?
--Jackie
A: Jackie, in this situation we have one simple rule to follow: Don't get anything that puts him in the position of overtly having to display or wear it; in other words be forced to answer the question, "Why aren't you wearing ______ tonight?" If he hates it, it can disappear into a closet or drawer and for all you know he uses it every day. This means no clothes or personal furnishings or any display-necessary housewares. So ties, wallets, thumb rings, and placemats are all out.
Poke around at a couple of our favorite four-letter design boutiques, Moss and Good. If you come up empty, visit your favorite antique shop and you're certain to find a one-of-a-kind MB-worthy item he doesn't already own. After a few minutes of Googling we unearthed this elk-horn corkscrew that isn't just an excellent addition to any bar, it distinctly foreshadows the "in the bedroom" present. posted:2.3.09 filed under:Stupid (Top): Twodaloo "supertoilet," for pre-coital (post-coital?), communal crapping. $1400.
Cupid (Bottom): Completely separate bathrooms. Priceless. posted:2.5.08 filed under:Stupid (Top): Mittens built for two, or "smittens." If there is anything more cheesy than this creation from knitwear designer Wendy Feller, let us know. On sale for $19.95, down from 45.00. Surprise!
Cupid (Bottom): Cashmere convertible mittens, also available in black, charcoal, green, navy, light blue, and yellow. Via Barney's. $150.00.
(Check back for more Stupid vs. Cupid.)
posted:1.30.08 filed under:Q: MB, I need you to recommend gift ideas for the boss under $50. Please!
—Rob
A: We're going to assume your boss is a dude, OK? (Duh!) Thanks for the question, and the following five things will get him a.) educated, b.) drunk, c.) entertained, d.) caffeinated, e.) saving the planet.
posted:12.19.07 filed under:After the success of the Magnificent Bastard Holiday Gift Guide, we've just completed the first-annual Mistress Gift Guide.
In the "for her love and affection" category, we're recommending a Pound Dog (top) and a Havanese (bottom).
Choose her gift(s) wisely. After all, she can wreck your life.
Enjoy. posted:12.5.07 filed under:
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