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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

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Monday Morning Quarterback Week 17

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 17

It's the 5th and final week of Monday Morning Quarterback, a feature that combines our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style.

We had very limited time to study Week 17 post-game film due to this play that will haunt Chicago Bears fans for years and the drunken revelry that followed. Our apologies.

Andrew Luck

Passer Rating: 101.4

Dresser Rating: 0.0

Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 0.0

With the run his team is on, Andrew Luck might take his post-game superstition — no shower, lucky performance T, Geico caveman facial expressions — all the way to the AFC title. However, it comes at a cost. Luck finishes the season with a Blutarsky-esque TMBQBR of 0.0.

Earlier: Andrew Luck's Post-Game Ritual


Monday Morning Quarterback Week 16

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 16

It's Week 4 of Monday Morning Quarterback, a feature that combines our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style.

Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.

Geno Smith

Passer Rating: 91.7

Dresser Rating: 87.3

Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 80.1

Last week, a rookie overaccessorization mistake. This week, Smith shows veterans the right way to go casual and make it work, and is the MB Player of the Week.

Tony Romo

PR: 98.7

DR: 41.1

TMBQBR: 40.6

Once again Romo had a costly pick, but saved it for the postgame presser. MB tip: only go deep into the ear canal when there's blown TV coverage. As for the dresser rating, the non-throwing arm at this angle should expose a wide-open shirt cuff.

Kellen Clemens

PR: 99.6

DR: 29.3

TMBQBR: 29.2

When you're 6'2" and 220 lbs., it's not easy finding a shirt that looks at least two sizes too big for you. We encourage the Rams QB to stop shopping JC Penney's Husky Linemen section and get into something a little more fitted.

Matt Flynn

PR: 69.6

DR: 23.6

TMBQBR: 16.4

With his red union suit and sad, shell-shocked gaze, back-up Matt Flynn looks like a nine-year-old on Christmas morning slowly coming to grips with the fact that he's going to go at least one more year without a BB gun.

Matt Cassell

PR: 32.6

DR: 36.8

TMBQBR: 12.0

As the week's lowest-rated passer, we applaud Cassell's instinct to look inconspicuous. However, we think his Week 14 beanie, pulled completely over his face, 7-Eleven robbery style, would have been more effective than his baseball cap disguise.

Andrew Luck

PR: 96.8

DR: 0.0

TMBQBR: 0.0

We suppose if your last name is Luck, it's inevitable that you develop superstitions, and after a month of MMQB, it's clear what Luck's post-game ritual is: Skip the showers; hit the presser wearing lucky performance T; make a face like the Geico caveman. It's not the strangest superstition we've ever heard of, but it's certainly a contender for the least stylish.

Earlier: Andrew Luck Looks Like Geico Caveman, Only Worse-Dressed


Monday Morning Quarterback Week 15

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 15

It's Week 3 of Monday Morning Quarterback, a feature that combines our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style.

Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.

Jay Cutler

Passer Rating: 102.2

Dresser Rating: 63.1

Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 64.5

This week Cutler's presser dressing symbolizes his quarterback play: Occasional brilliance — scarf tied in loose "playoff tuck" style — marred by a boneheaded pick, like this skully.

EARLIER: 7 Ways to Tie a Scarf Based on the Game-Time Temperature at Lambeau Field

Geno Smith

PR: 68.6

DR: 57.3

TMBQBR: 39.3

Hanging a big, pressed woven collar outside a crewneck is a rookie mistake, as is over-accessorization. Go with either the Jets-colored boutonniere or the pocket square, not both.

EARLIER: Collar Tucking with Crewnecks. JFK and William F. Buckley

Mike Glennon

PR: 75.5

MBR: 45.3

TMBQBR: 34.2

Mike Glennon has added reading Monday Morning Quarterback to his game-day preparation. Two consecutive weeks with large jacket gapes split wide to his right, he's clearly seen a tailor to tighten his collar coverage.

Carson Palmer

PR: 100.8

DR: 29.0

TMBQBR: 29.2

Just two weeks removed from winning MB Player of the Week honors as an NFL quarterback disguised as a professor, Palmer is hit for a big loss, with the age-inappropriate tandem of hoodie and skully each recording half a sack.

EARLIER: MB ANALYTICS: Hoodie vs. Cardigan Chart

Eli Manning

PR: 31.9

DR: 59.3

TMBQBR: 18.9

Manning could've dressed like Tom Brady on his best day and still been well down the MMQB rankings due to his comically bad performance against the Seahawks. Layering is an MB principle, but that value (3) should never be exceeded by the number of interceptions (5). Nor should the number of quarter-zip mock sweaters (1) ever exceed TD passes (0).

EARLIER: Layering: A Key MB Principle

Andrew Luck

PR: 82.8

DR: 0.0

TMBQBR: 0.0

Three weeks into Monday Morning Quarterback and Andrew Luck still can't read the reporter blitz and is missing wide-open showers. Luck looks like the Geico caveman, only worse-dressed.

EARLIER: Andrew Luck Sacked Again by Blitzing Reporters



Monday Morning Quarterback Week 14

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 14

It's Week 2 of Monday Morning Quarterback, a feature that combines our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style.

Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.

Perhaps due to bad weather at many NFL stadiums, this week there was only bad quarterbacking behind the podium.

Eli Manning

PR: 72.3

DR: 35.6

TMBQBR: 25.7

That collar is about to engulf Eli's face like a stunting defensive end, and the problem is magnified by the tiny, out-of-proportion knot that looks like it's suffering from a groin injury. While he shrares the Toner Cartridge Salesman look of his older brother, at least Peyton generally gets the proportions right.

Earlier: Peyton Manning, Toner Cartridge Salesman

Matt Cassell

Passer Rating: 86.0

Dresser Rating: 29.0

Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 24.9

Four years as Tom Brady's backup in New England, and the man apparently only learned how to read coverages, not collars. Cassell's collar is so horizontal it has less of an angle than the earth's horizon. His jacket gape is big enough for Adrian Peterson to run through. And we fear some eight-year-old fan is searching for his prized beanie right now. For all this, Cassell is this week's winner of the Most Ridiculous Postgame Presser Outfit award.

Earlier: The Incredible Shrinking Collar

Philip Rivers

PR: 137.4

DR: 17.3

TMBQBR: 23.8

After just two weeks doing Monday Morning Quaterback, we have our first record: Most Consecutive Weeks Wearing a Plaid Shirt That Looks Like It Came From Blouse Barn. If Philip Rivers' quarterbacking was this consistent, the Chargers could get into the playoffs.

Earlier: Philip Rivers' Ugly Week 13 Shirt

Mike Glennon

PR: 40.4

MBR: 45.3

TMBQBR: 18.3

It looks like Shaggy has added a razor to his post-game plan. We like his committment to mastering the fundamentals. Next step: Retaining the services of a tailor. That's the same ill-fitting jacket he had on last week, and he's getting the same bad results: a pronounced gape on his throwing shoulder. Once he masters that, we'll start working on his tie-reading skills.

Earlier: Mike Glennon Should Watch Namath Postgame Film

Andrew Luck

PR: 113.1

DR: 5.5

TMBQBR: 6.2

Last week, blitzing reporters caught Andrew Luck by complete surprise. This week, he once again shows poor post-game clock management. But at least it looks like he's thinking about taking a shower.

Earlier: Andrew Luck Sacked by Blitzing Reporters


Monday Morning Quarterback Week 13

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 13

Combining our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style, we present the first in a regular series.

Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.

Carson Palmer

Passer Rating: 85.6

Dresser Rating: 158.3 (highest rating possible)

Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 134.6

NFL quarterback or professor at University of Phoenix (if they had professors)? Palmer is the MB Player of the Week thanks to his unstructured, heartily-lapeled corduroy blazer and studied artful dishevelment. This is how we dress.

EARLIER: Tom Ford on the Great Lapel Width Debate

Tom Brady

PR: 104.8

DR: 120.5

TMBQBR: 126.3

Tie width perfectly echos the jacket's lapels. Nicely dimpled four-in-hand knot askew 10°. "90°" collar (more on this later). He's tough to beat, but Palmer edged him out yesterday.

EARLIER: Tom Ford on the Great Tie Width Debate

Ryan Fitzpatrick

PR: 47.2

DR: 98.3

TMBQBR: 46.4

We admire Fitzpatrick because he was doing the lumberjack, er, lumberback for years before the look was in vogue. And because he recorded the highest-ever Wonderlic score by a quarterback. Yet he shows the pitfalls involved in wearing a machine-washed fused-collar shirt, and his lapels need to hit the weight room.

Peyton Manning

PR: 118.2

DR: 35.6

TMBQBR: 42.1

Currently a pitchman for middlebrow brands Buick and Papa John's, with this dated, generic, and ill-fitting look we see Men's Wearhouse in Manning's endorsement future.

Mike Glennon

PR: 73.5

DR: 25.6

TMBQBR: 18.8

Who put Shaggy in a suit? MB coaching tip: If you bear a striking resemblance to a 1970s cartoon character, avoid Peyton Manning's "Toner Cartridge Sales Rep" look and go for a post-game look with a little more grooviness, like this.

Philip Rivers

PR: 80.0

DR: 21.3

TMBQBR: 17.0

After last week's 127.3 rating and a ridiculously great Western costume including bolo tie, Rivers follows it up with this blousey pastel, logoed plaid. His attire is as inconistent as his play.

Andrew Luck

PR: 59.4

DR: 0.0

TMBQBR: 0.0

A rattled-looking Andrew Luck is caught off-guard by blitzing reporters. If you can't even manage to shower before the press shows up, you are not managing the fifth quarter game-clock well.


Ask the MB: What is Up With You Guys?

Ask the MB: What is Up With You Guys?

Q: What's up with the lack of postings lately? You've had two so far for the month of September, which sported a grand total of five words. I've taken to reading the SB (who has 8 posts in the month, with more words than I care to count) just to have something to do while I'm supposed to be working. Am I right to be concerned?
—Tim

A: Our in-house masseuse thinks this has something to do with blockage of our third eye chakra. We think it has more to do with replacement refs, abundant tee times, and excessive MB Cocktail indulgence.

Whoever's right, we still have a lot to say — although never more than the SB — and will be back to a more regular posting schedule someday.


Wes Welker: Got Choke?

Wes Welker: Got Choke?
Wearing of ironic mustaches is down 100% in New England this morning as Wes Welker dropped a critical pass at the New York Giants 23 yard line with 4:00 left that would've most likely won Super Bowl XLVI.

Even Welker himself shaved his 'stache after the game.

After the drop, Chris Collinsworth said, "Welker makes that catch 100 times out of 100." Seconds later Al Michaels replied, "That must be the 101st."

Welker posed for a "Got Milk?" campaign with Giants wideout Hakeem Nicks before the game. In his post-game interview Welker said, "It comes to the biggest moment of my life and I don't come up with it. It's discouraging."

The Patriots, who didn't win a regular season game against a team with a winning record, were exposed as a fraud even bigger than our beloved GBP.

Earlier: Tom Brady's Emerging Bald Spot Signals End of Patriots' Dynasty

Ask the MB: Kombi Captain Freedom Gloves

Bucco Bruce Top; Wigens Bearclaw Gloves Bottom via amazon.com, $150.00
Bucco Bruce Top; Wigens Bearclaw Gloves Bottom via amazon.com. $150.00.
Q: I was all set to pick up a pair of the MB-approved Kombi Captain Freedom gloves for a ski trip in Jackson Hole, when I discovered that the folks at Kombi have altered the design. (new one here: http://www.snowshack.com/detail/SNW+KB-30324+L). It's like New England getting rid of the Pat Patriot helmet. Some things just don't make sense. Nonetheless, the gloves are still pretty sweet. Do you approve?
—Andrew


A: What's worse? New England getting rid of Pat Patriot or Tampa Bay abandoning the winking pirate Bucco Bruce? We say the latter by a nautical mile.

At any rate, we were completely joking about wearing the Kombi Captain Freedom gloves for skiing. (Though we weren't joking at all about wearing the Naked and Famous Snowpant Denim; they are terrific for banging bumps.)

What we're wearing this year is Wigens bearclaw gloves (bottom). Made in Sweden, these not only protect your fingers from Jack Frost, they also double as part of a Halloween costume if you're dressed as a black bear. 100% goat leather plus 100% rabbit on the outside, the only problem with these is they're too warm.

New Feature: 7 Ways to Tie a Scarf Based on the Game-Time Temperature at Lambeau Field

Pictured: Step 2 of 'The Playoff Tuck'
Pictured: Step 2 of 'The Playoff Tuck'
Our beloved GBP is 8-0 and we'd like to introduce Anna — decked out in a vintage Ashwaubenon high-school Packers cheerlearder uniform — as your guide to scarf tying based on the game-time temperature at Lambeau Field.

The Drape — 45° - 50°
The Red Baron — 40° - 44°
The Once-Around — 35° - 39°
The Ascot — 30° - 34°
The Parisian — 20° - 29°
The Once-Around Ascot — 10° - 19°
The Playoff Tuck — < 10°

Check it out.

Ask the MB: Al Davis's Sunglasses

Ask the MB: Al Davis's Sunglasses
Q: What brand/model/style of glasses did Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis wear?
—Ray


A: Al Davis likely took the sure answer to this question to his grave. A Google search says they are vintage Alain Mikli shades, but our best guess is these are vintage or custom Vuarnet — indicated by the V-shaped bridge — a company which was acquired by Mikli in 2009.

Either way, finding a pair will be more difficult than finding an answer to why Davis made JaMarcus Russell the #1 pick in 2007.

Ask the MB: What to Wear to Bears-Packers NFC Championship Game

Ask the MB: What to Wear to Bears-Packers NFC Championship Game
Q: Thanks for your style advice for attending sporting events. I will be attending an epic playoff game in Chicago this weekend. Any tips for a MB in training when attending (outdoor) winter sporting events? I don't want to do the snowmobile suit or work coverall look and some of our midwest neighbors are wont to do. Or, is it a conflict of interest to even provide advice to a Bears fan?
--Ryan


A: Your squad is 3.5 point dogs at home, against the #6 seed ... have you thought about wearing a Packers' jersey?

If that's too extreme, we recommend a fairly conservative approach. With good seats running between $1000 to $2000 on StubHub, you're probably shelling out a lot just to be there. With that in mind, do you really want to blow even more cash on a jacket there's a strong chance you'll only associate with depressing memories of Aaron Rodgers doing the Championship Belt in your house? Take Jennifer Aniston's lead and go with a Spiewak snorkel parka. It's as warm as it is cheap.

UGG! Tom Brady's Bad Hair Day

Tom Brady during Super Bowl XLII, February 3, 2008
Tom Brady during Super Bowl XLII, February 3, 2008
Turns out Tom Brady's Giselle-demanded, Bieberian locks are less fashion statement and more highly-coiffed combover. The increasingly reliable National Enquirer reports Brady's car was spotted outside Leonard Hair Transplant Associates in Cranston, R.I., on Nov. 9. That's the office of Dr. Robert Leonard, who calls himself "New England's foremost authority on hair restoration" (or just "Hair Doctor" for short).

Dude's going bald.

Longtime readers of this site knew that nearly three years ago, as we identified Brady's emerging bald spot during his team's loss to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII (pictured) and claimed it signaled the end of the Patriots dynasty.

In far more disturbing Tom Brady news, he's now in "partnership" with UGG and admits he's "worn and loved the UGG brand for a long time."

Ask the MB: Football Game Outfit -- Man Edition

Roll Tide. Yes.
Roll Tide. Yes.
Q: What does an MB wear to an early September (over 100 degrees) afternoon football game at the alma mater?
--Claxton


A: Even in cooler Big Ten climes, afternoon September football games against the likes of Austin Peay are best enjoyed at a bar near the stadium, rather than squeezed in with 80,000 sticky, sweaty Badger fans.

If the ticket's already purchased, follow our advice already given to Los Angeles Lakers fans: look like a fan without really trying. This means shorts, shoes/sandals, and a t-shirt/SS you'd feel comfortable wearing to a non-gameday BBQ, with only a subtle hint of your team loyalties. In other words, somewhere in between the plastic flip-flop, team jersey, backward ballcap-wearing undergraduate throngs, and the legible grey-haired alum with the world's worst sunburn.

POURCAST

BETA

Negroni

The classic Negroni is simply equal parts gin, Campari, and sweet vermouth. You can do better.

  • 5 parts Plymouth gin
  • 2 parts Campari
  • 1 part Pimm's No. 1 Cup
  • 1 part sweet vermouth
  • 1 part dry vermouth
  • 2 dashes of orange bitters

Quick shake or stir and pour into chilled Martini glass. Garnish with an orange twist.


In-Depth Negroni Coverage:

Magnificent Bartender: Negroni

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