Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.
Q: What's up with the lack of postings lately? You've had two so far for the month of September, which sported a grand total of five words. I've taken to reading the SB (who has 8 posts in the month, with more words than I care to count) just to have something to do while I'm supposed to be working. Am I right to be concerned?
A: Our in-house masseuse thinks this has something to do with blockage of our third eye chakra. We think it has more to do with replacement refs, abundant tee times, and excessive MB Cocktail indulgence.
Whoever's right, we still have a lot to say — although never more than the SB — and will be back to a more regular posting schedule someday.
via amazon.com. $28.20.
Q: What the heck is the Spectacular Bitch up to? Still no website! I was looking forward to seeing what an alpha female has to say. At this rate she must be in danger of losing the "spectacular" label. Spank her, will you?
A: Oh, Jim! Jim, Jim, JIM!
If anyone deserves a spanking, it's MB. I am ready. I have been ready.
See you soon, you naughty boy.
(Ed. note: she is ready.)
Q: I've been dating a lady for about 6 months and I want to get her a Christmas gift as spectacular as she is. Does the SB have any suggestions or a list of things she's wanting for Christmas?
Ed. note: The Spectacular Bitch's site is just about ready, finally. Thank God. In the meantime she answers questions here sometimes, like now.
A: Dear Cameron,
I love and adore that you are giving this some forethought, you sweet little buck, you. There is nothing like the heady first months of new love, and you, my dear, are smitten.
Nevertheless, as you know, the key to gifting in a new relationship is to walk the delicate line between overwhelming the girl and underwhelming the girl. Obviously, avoid anything electronic or practical — forever. At the six month mark you need to be thinking romance and whimsy.
If you ask me, which you did, the perfect gift for your lovely SB is a beautiful clutch. Wrapped up, it's like opening a jewel but without all the implied history of giving and receiving jewelry. It's an object that, by its nature, foretells of sparkly nights out on the town — don't you want to be that guy? Basically a clutch is fun. And pretty. And girlie. And glam.
To my mind, Lauren Merkin makes a genius clutch — drop dead sophisticated, impeccably well crafted, to die for gorgeous, with an edge. Tuck a sweet note inside and I guarantee it will live in there for eternity.
Ed. note: while we continue to work on the Spectacular Bitch's own site, she's answering an occassional question in this space.
Q: Dear SB: I have a pseudo-work event coming up and need your advice. The scoop:
1) 1000 guests — dozens of which will be co-workers (although it is not a work sponsored event, it's a birthday party for the owner of the firm)
2) Venue is a night club
3) All guests are required to wear black
4) I am in my mid-thirties and fairly fit
A: Dear Kelly,
Sounds like a fun party, although I must admit that I get more than a little peevish when I'm told what to wear. Who IS this monomaniacal birthday boy and more importantly, how do I get an invite?
Not knowing your body type makes it a bit tricky for me to find you the perfect dress, but that's okay, because I'm not going to recommend a dress for you. If you, like me, are feeling ornery about being told to wear black, I'll remind you that I didn't see anything on my invitation that said it had to be solid black, or even a dress for that matter. See how I did that, Kel? Resourceful! I'll pick you up at 7 and we'll stop for cocktails before we hit the fest.
Since everyone and their brother will be in a LBD that night, I say go with a tuxedo-type pant, a sexy top and a killer heel. Alice and Olivia make a very flattering pant — these girls know how to make a booty go pow. If your legs are covered, then go very uncovered up top — maybe a little something like this, or this or this.
See you Saturday night!
Q: Regarding your 3/29/11 "Heirloom Engagement Ring" post, if one's parents have volunteered a family heirloom ring for the engagement of their dear daughter, what is the best approach in setting forth such ring for the soon-to-be betrothed aspiring MB?
Ed. note: As Laurie stated, this question is a follow-up to the heirloom diamond question. Since the Spectacular Bitch answered that one, here she is again.
A: Oh, Laurie! I am simply all a'dither! Do you know Shane? Are you two young love birds getting ready to take the plunge? How very exciting! Congratulations!
Now, if I understand your question correctly, you are wondering how to avoid the decidedly unromantic prospect of your mother giving you the ring, you giving the ring to your beau, so that he can turn around and give it back to you when he proposes. Just because you are lucky enough to have an heirloom diamond heading your way, is no reason you two should be deprived of the romance inherent in a proposal.
Here's how it's going to work. Shane will pay a visit to your parents to ask for your hand in marriage, not because you need their permission, but because it's an honorable thing to do and your parents will be tickled. Hopefully, it will go swimmingly. Your dad will get all red in the face and clap Shane on the back while your mother weeps and struggles to get that ring off her finger to give to Shane. It may be slightly ambiguous whether she's crying about losing a daughter, losing a diamond, or gaining the awesome Shane, which only adds to the dramatic tension of the moment. All good. Shane will need to keep the ring safe until such time as he is ready to propose to you.
Now for the practicalities. The last thing you want is for your guy to have to ask for that ring if your mom is so flustered she fails to cough it up. You need a third party (siblings work well for this) to give your parents a small heads up, so that they are adequately prepared for Shane's visit, with the ring and some cocktails at the ready. If you don't have siblings, then you can leave your laptop open to this post in a conspicuous location and they'll get the message. In short, the ring needs to go directly to Shane and you two can deal with making it right for you after the proposal.
Best of luck, dear, and DO keep me posted!
Q: This question is for our spectacularly aloof SB. I'm a doting big brother and my 11 year old little sister likes sock monkeys. I was thinking about getting her this hat. I'm pretty confident she'll think it's cute and would wear it. What do you say, fair lady?
Ed. note: While we prepare the SB's site for launch in very early 2011, she is occasionally answering questions in this space.
A: Dearest Cameron,
At age 11, your sister is teetering on the brink of being too cool for everything, so by all means, buy her the sock monkey hat. In this wretched age of gussied-up gossip girls and pole dancing Disney starlets, it's refreshing (not to mention spectacular), to see a girl dressing like a girl. After all, it's the late bloomers who bloom most beautifully in the end. Just be prepared to conduct a stealth mission to make it disappear should she still be wearing it at age 18.
By the way, Cam - may I call you Cam? You are to be commended on your thoughtfulness in choosing the perfect gift for the spectacular ladies in your life. Very MB indeed.
Merry Merry, darling,
The Love Letter, by Auguste Toulmouche
Q: Is it MB to write love letters? With stationary and stamps and an actual pen? In this day of email, tweet/text/social mania is it romantic, or a little TTH?
Ed. note: We've spent the past 18 months searching the bars of Pulaski looking for the Spectacular Bitch, from Quit-N-Time to T'bombs to Party Marty's. It took a little longer than we thought but we finally found her at Zielinski's. While we get her site ready, she'll be answering questions now and then in this space.
A: Dearest Matt, your instincts are good, but proceed with caution. I once ended a relationship with a man because he included the words "the pitter patter of raindrops" in a letter he posted from Sevilla. Bear in mind, should things ever go south with your lady love, a physical letter can and will be subjected to all manner of ignominy -- burning, shredding, crumpling, soaking, and brutal mockery, possibly at the hands of multiple girlfriends over bottles of wine. On the other hand, a letter can be clutched to her chest, tucked in a favorite book, sniffed, caressed, and re-read as no email could ever hope to be. Perhaps putting a pen to paper is trying too hard, but true blue Spectacular Bitches don't come easy.
Because I like you, Matt, a couple pointers:
1. Know thyself: If you are a clever writer and can guarantee that there will be no grammatical errors, proceed to the next pointer. I once ended a relationship with a man because of his dangling participles.
2. Know thy audience: Make sure you never put in writing something you wouldn't be able to say face-to-face after a few drinks. You don't want to freak her out.
3. Be brief.
4. Use proper stationery and a good pen. Don't be sloppy, but don't try to get creative either. I once ended a relationship with a man because he wrote to me on a piece of birch bark. And another because he wrote to me on a scroll. Plain correspondence cards of good stock are lovely, if you ask me.
5. Speak your truth but remember, leave the poetry to the poets.
Bonne chance, my pet. And be sure to let me know how the lucky lady responds.
Q: I've been reading your site for quite a while now and have gotten some great advice. I know SpectacularBitch.com will be up and running soon, but I have a holiday issue. I would like to get my girlfriend a brown leather jacket for the holidays (she has been wanting one for a few months, but she is really picky). I was wondering what leather jackets SpectacularBitch.com would recommend.
A: Stefano, buying clothing for a girlfriend is not recommended. Buying clothes for a picky girlfriend? Hang on to the receipt.
Without knowing your gal's style, here are three options for three SB archetypes:
If She Owns Pearls (Classic)
Daryn Suede Hacking Jacket (Top)
This Ralph Lauren Black Label jacket was once $2498.00. It's now just $1099.00.
If She Thinks Snow-shoeing is More Than Just an Excuse to Buy Another Pair of Shoes (Outdoor Enthusiast)
Weathered Leather Peacoat (Middle)
If She Might Cheat on You with Angelina Jolie (Bad Girl)
Mike & Chris Maurice Quilted Leather Jacket (Bottom)
Good luck and let us know how it turns out.