Q: Being a younger MB in training (think college) whenever I'm around my mom she bitches about how wrinkled my shirts are, no matter how pressed they are. Now, please don't mock me too much for mommy problems, but I want your take. Are wrinkles ever appropriate? --Tyler
Do you think Rose Kennedy got on John's case for wearing this shirt on the beaches of Hyannis Port? Unlikely, probably because a.) she had like 7 or 8 other kids to deal with, and b. JFK knew to enough to tell his maid to pull that woven out of the dryer right before the timer ended, easily achieving the precise amount and depth of rumple.
Q: I am about to purchase this J. Peterman bag on sale at $298. Do you think it looks MB? It's the 1928 Air Corps Briefcase? --Andre
A: In the old days, briefcases were basically desks that you carried around on a leash, and there was a genuine need for all their various compartments, straps, buckles, and such. Now? There's no reason for all that stuff -- they're Snuggies for your laptop. While we typically endorse a senseless lack of utility here, that's not quite the same thing as decor posing as functionality. Unless you're an archaelogist moonlighting as an office supplies salesperson, we say go with something simpler and definitely less shiny, like this messenger bag by John Varvatos.
Q: What should I wear to a wedding? I don't want to do the classic black dinner suit and white shirt. I'm partnered to a new GF and want to impress everyone there. --Jason
A: Jason, we understand and applaud your desire to set yourself apart from the pack. At the same time, you don't want to be the person who shows up at someone else's wedding determined to be the center of attention -- someone's crazy drunken aunt will be there to fulfill that function. Thus, we recommend a simple, expertly tailored charcoal suit. Indochino's made-to-measure Essential Charcoal Suit is definitely worth a look and it's just $349.
If you're a little more flush, we are really liking Brooklyn Tailors' bespoke charcoal suit, handmade by artisans in New York, NY. It costs $975, but its genuine horsehair construction and custom fit should see you through weddings, job interviews, and, when that sad day finally arrives, your own funeral. (Not to get too maudlin here -- we're just saying this thing is built to last and will still look great in, say, 2070.)
Q: I need your help with the issue of cuffed/rolled up jeans. I see it around a lot and admit to liking the look. Is it MB? If so, what type of jeans are ideal? How wide of a cuff? A single roll or two? --Jeff
A: Unless you're flying through the air on a motorcycle at at least 70 MPH, cuffing can be extremely dangerous. Thus, we pretty much only do it when it's at least 70 degrees outside and we're within walking distance of a major body of water.
Q: Hey guys: I am really liking the Allyn Scura site a lot - thanks for the tip about the Apollos. Could you give a recommondation about a style and color/colors that you like in the sunglass section?
Love the site. --Tim
A: Tim, without knowing a little more about your style, it's a little like asking us what kind of car to buy. However, one thing even capitalists and communists can agree on: A pair of tortoiseshell sunglasses with a nice, substantial frame never go out of style. And Allyn Scura has a pair that can make you look like a Greek shipping magnate without having to divert too many funds from your socialized healthcare program. They're $40.
(From top: Aristotle Onassis, Fidel Castro, Sant'Angelo II 907.)
Q: I'm a college student and am moving into a house with 4 roommates June. We like to think we're a bastardly bunch. As we approach the move in painting the interior to fit our MB lifestyle has come up as topic of discussion. What colors would your recommend painting the house in order to have people walk in and say to themselves "These boys have class"? Please help. --Thoroughly Perplexed
A: Walls: Benjamin Moore Regal Latex. White N221 01. Matte finish (even in baths and kitchen).
Trim: Benjamin Moore Satin Impervo Alkyd Low Lustre Enamel. White C235 01.
Topic: MB approved bags for bicycling. According to my girlfriend all backpacks are nerdy though they are ok for actual backpacking. So I'm looking for a magnificent, somewhat practical and non-bikecourierlooking bike bag... Any tips?
Greetings from snow buried Estonia,
Siim Teller
A: Hello Siim,
While many cyclists prefer to let their bikes carry the load, we have no problem throwing on a backpack when doing our part to save the environment from one more godawful Prius. We also favor a traditional backpack design over a messenger bag. Minimalism has its place, but not when our latissimus dorsi is involved, and two straps are better than one.
That said, the most comfortable backpacks tend to involve a little too much cordura and Oakleyesque styling for our liking -- we prefer the more archaic approach of this Pendleton/Opening Ceremony bag, which, while lacking the padding of some more contemporary designs, completely alleviates the psychological pain that comes with knowing you have chosen to sacrifice style for comfort. No one will ever accuse you of that while wearing this.
In the event that you are looking for a one-strap solution, we recommend the Minnehaha Canvas Shoulder Bag. Made of natural materials, designed by people who ride bikes in the snow; we think it will look great in Estonia.
Q: Lands' End has started a line called Canvas, and it looks like they're trying to corner the more bastardly market. What do you think - are they TTH? --Jordan
A: Thanks for the tip, Jordan. We took a look, and while inexpensive, any reasonable person would agree Canvas all looks a little too Lands' End-y. Except for the chino blazer, which is sticking out like a stylish, artfully disheveled sore thumb. 2 buttons, shirt shoulder, patch pockets, functional buttonholes, machine washable, and $69.50. If it's anywhere near what it looks like on paper, we'll get one in khaki and navy.
UPDATE: The blazer shown has 3 buttons, not 2 as described on the Lands' End web site. The sleeves are also the equivalent of a S. If you are a R or L, they will be too short. This was a return.
Q: What's MB's stance on chest hair grooming? Obviously a shaved chest is unacceptable but chest hair run rampant seems less than magnificent. I tend to trim mine short using a buzzer but this seems like the most favorable alternative to an unbecoming chest. Any suggestions would be appreciated. --Brandon
A: Not to hedge, but this all depends on the amount and type of chest hair growth. The 40 Year-Old Virgin clearly needed to "wax that Teen Wolf thing right out," as his pal Jay rightly put it. Besides wearing film's best-looking suit, Cary Grant also sports one of film's best-looking, artfully disheveled chests in North by Northwest. (Incidentally, he's 55 years old in this picture.) If you just have a few unsightly stragglers poking out from around your nipples, go for the laser. It hurts like wax but after a few treatments they're gone forever, and you're ready for a Dolce & Gabbana shoot.
Q: Shockingly you have never mentioned anything about your stance on earrings. I wear a very small silver hoop in my left ear and I consider myself to be moderately MB. My hot PhD wife certainly finds it sexy. What do you think? --Mark
A: Sorry, Mark, here at Magnificent Bastard we think of earrings, even relatively understated ones like you describe, as a gateway drug to a spot on the next season of Jersey Shore. First comes the hoop earring, next comes Pauly D's blowout hairstyle.
Q: I am making a transition in my career to the position of a restaurant manager. I find myself wondering what my options are for shoes with rubber soles that look sharp, last a long time, and won't break my heart, or the bank, if they have food or drink spilled on them. Keeping in mind that I'll be on my feet for upwards of 10 hours a day, what do you recommend? --Wasabi Chimp
A: WC, you are asking us to be really practical, and we hate being practical. However, if we ever find ourselves dining in the restaurant you manage, we don't want you spitting in our food. So here goes: Cole Haan Air Obori Oxfords. They're almost as sleek as a pair of Tods, we suspect they're just as comfortable as Crocs (though we'll never actually try on a pair of Crocs to test this theory), they have rubber soles per your request, and they're on sale at Amazon for only $99.
A: The Canadians are as good at outerwear as they are at hockey. Er, they're really good at outerwear!
Canada Goose is great as long as you choose wisely. Because their stuff is engineered for arctic conditions, it can quickly make you look like the Michelin Man. Also be wary of the logo patch, which especially if you're the gentle, caring type, will quickly have people mistaking you for a volunteer waterfowl rescuer.
Our favorite from last season was the Calgary, but good luck finding one.
Q: I was shopping around in Toronto recently, and as I was looking around for a new set of jeans I stumbled upon Naked and Famous jeans (http://www.nakedandfamousdenim.com/). I really liked the quality feel, and the basic appearance, but they do seem to have a thing for skinnier fits. The jeans are made in an old-style denim machine, and are made out of fine Japanese denim. I thought they seemed MB-esque. What do you think? --Matt
A: There is definitely a lot to like about Naked and Famous. Like you say, they're made from quality materials, they're cleanly designed, and one version even contains 8% cashmere (and an MB can never be ensconced in too much cashmere). It's the fits we have a problem with. Perhaps they just need taller models, but the Slim Guy is unflattering (top), and The Skinny Guy should just be left to The Skinny Girl (bottom).
Q: Where does gardening fall on the scale of magnificent bastardom? Specifically, the desire to dig in dirt, tend, watch, and enjoy growing your own fruits and vegetables and the occasional flowering plant (and yes, even more butch plants like arbor vitae). --Andy
A: Gardening has some theoretical virtues. The English love it, it involves primarily natural materials, it presupposes land ownership. But we have trouble getting past the clogs, which are basically Crocs for land-lubbers. And our manicurist, who is frankly a bit of an underachiever, hates it when we come in with dirt under our fingernails. Thus we prefer agriculture on a larger, noisier scale -- anything, in short, that gives us a chance to operate a chainsaw, threshing machine, or drag harrow.
But knowing linen's terrible tendency to wrinkle (these are 53% linen) I'm prevented from clicking the buy button for fear of looking like I've cruelly robbed the trousers straight off the legs of a style-conscious hobo.
No less a figure than H.P. Lovecraft is reputed to have discovered a long forgotten fabric treatment that prevented linen from wrinkling, however the side-effects were horrendous...
So, failing the precise execution of a Lovecraftian material trans-mutation ceremony enacted in the tomb of an Egyptian Pharaoh; 53% linen fabric OK, or not OK? --Tadgh
A: Despite our extreme prejudice against 100% linen, linen blends can work. In general, we prefer that whatever material the linen is being blended with retain at least a 51% ownership stake, so you're tempting fate with those particular pants. But if you're feeling lucky, go for it.
Q: I'm headed to the beaches of Mexico and my wife has put her foot down on knee length surfer-dude shorts. I'm in reasonable shape for a 40 year old but I'm not quite ready to don the James Bond short shorts. What do you recommend in a mid-thigh model? --Matt
A: Anglophilia definitely has its limits, especially as the inseam approaches zero (top). While at the other end of the inseam spectrum, we're with your wife about not looking like The Situation and Pauly D. (Note to The Situation: give the biceps a rest and work those anemic calves.)
If an MB is in reasonable shape, even at your advanced age, our general rule is to go with the shortest inseam you can wear with confidence. With the right cut they're not only comfy but allow room for a few extra cervezas -- and they put you many miles away from Jersey Shore. Our perennial favorite is Penguin, like this 5" inseam caviar/light blue "Mr. Splash" option that gives a nod, however slight, to Mr. Bond.
Note: Original Penguin is one of the brands on sale at Giltman.com today. We consider this a sign.
Q: Aspiring to become MB in all aspects of conduct, I have formulated a question for you: What is the proper way to cross your legs out in public? Ankle on knee, leg over knee, or no cross at all? Thanks! --Ryan
A: Ryan, there is no single correct answer to this. Mark Twain was a leg-over-knee man. James Dean never crossed. Both were magnificent sitters!
We recommend that you adopt whatever position you personally find most comfortable. When you're most at ease, you're most likely to project an air of natural, casual confidence, and that's what you're after. If you do end up doing some variation on crossing, though, make sure whatever socks you're wearing cost at least as much as a neat measure of single malt. And take a yoga class every now and then.
Q: Hey - my girlfriend's birthday is coming up and I'm a pretty cheap bastard. How much should I shell out for a handbag and how do I know (other than asking her friends) which one is appropriate/good - as they all the mid-range bags look pretty tacky to me. --Hamish
A: Hamish, you sound pretty committed to the notion that you're a cheap bastard, so it's probably best to find out sooner rather than later if your girlfriend is equally at ease with this fact. Test her out with this Hollywood Intuition bag from Target, designed by Jane Hersh, who owns celeb-fave Intuition in LA. It's $27.
Q: I just got a wallet by MAKR carry goods. Originally recommended by GQ. Are these MB? They fit most criteria: obscure (though not so much now that they've been featured by GQ), made of natural materials, exclusive (they're made by hand in very limited numbers, and currently they're is a many month wait for any of their limited collection), have no visible labels, and they're largely impractical as they're too small to carry more than three cards and an I.D. The only thing they're missing is a pedigree. --Ben
A: Ben, your instincts are good. MAKR is new to us, but we love what we see. Their "minimal" line is where we've ended up after years of carrying wallets. Try it and you won't go back. What do you really need? We'll tell you: your driver's license, one credit card, cash. Why ruin the clean lines of your AG jeans with proof of insurance and a Ralphs value club card?
(Note: For you highly evolved types who think a cow's natural purpose in life does not involve being turned into hamburgers and menswear accessories, try Malcolm Fontier's excellent polyurethane Mojito with two pockets, one for cards, the other for cash. $25.)
Q: I know it's totally un-MB of me to decide to get married, but I am wondering what is the most MB wedding ring for a guy to wear. I see so many of these thick tungsten bands around that look like a washer from a car or something. What is an MB to do? --Alex
Q: Are Stacy Adams Madison shoes sufficiently MB? They are the nicest, hardest wearing $100 shoes I can find. --Brian
A: These shoes have a very devoted following, and those customers young enough to use a computer rate them very highly at zappos.com. But they're the Ford Taurus of dress shoes. I.e., no one's ever going to look twice in a bad way if you're wearing them. But no one's going to look twice in a good way either.
Q: I was looking for a place to buy a pair of sunglasses like the ones that the character Tony D'Annunzio from Caddyshack wears to the pool. I saw you put them as an example in one of your answers but I can't seem to find where I could buy a pair, or something like them and I was wondering if you knew of a place? --James
A: Was Tony D'Annunzio The Situation before The Situation?
We cannot determine the exact make or model of D'Annunzio's sunglasses. (If you know, let us know.) The closest we think you're going to get -- and it's pretty close -- is vintage I Ski reflectors like the ones 44 is wearing (inset) before he turned into the most powerful toolbag on earth. These always turn up on eBay or vintage eyewear sites.
Q: My boss turned me on to a suit company called Astor and Black. They make custom tailored clothing to meet any specs you could ever want. A tailor supposedly can come to your home or office and measure you up, have you choose the style and fabric of the suit you would like and in 6 to 7 weeks your custom suit arrives. The best part is the price. I was quoted $2200 for 3 suits and 6 shirts, all made to measure. Am I missing something? Why has no one else stubled upon this? --Greg
A: Greg, we're not familiar with Astor and Black, but have undertaken the task of reviewing about 7 or 8 online custom shirtmakers, so look for that feature later in February. In the meantime, rather than wed Astor and Black in a boss-arranged marriage, first take it on a date and try out a shirt before committing to a complete wardrobe.
Q: Should an aspiring MB apply the polo shirt N-2 buttoning policy to sport shirts? Should one ever wear such a shirt with only the very top button unbuttoned, or would this be an example of toolbaggery? --Russell
A: Unfortunately that simple formula does not apply to sport shirts because there are other factors at work, like button spacing, collar shape and size, and abundance (or, preferably, absence) of chest hair. In other words, it depends.
But to illustrate where we lean, take a look at a TBT (Typical Bravo Toolbag) at the top with two unbuttoned, and MB icon Paul Newman in a western -- a shirt almost demanding N-2 -- with just the top button unbuttoned.
Q: MB. Emergency. I've been watching the price on an Michael Bastian Winter 2008 NWT Orange w/corduroy detail ski jacket/vest. Cool or uncool? $400 including shipping? Pull the trigger? Product is modeled on the Bastian website, FYI. --Paul
A: We love just about every stitch of clothing Michael Bastian has created since launching his line two years ago. The only problem is his ridiculous pricing. Dude, you're not Tom Ford!
The ski jacket's original price was $1685 -- for that, we think a pair of Rossignols and a season pass at Vail should be included. But at $400, we bless this purchase decision. You get a cool jacket and a cool vest, so it's like getting 2 for 1 (OK, maybe 1.4 for 1, 1.5 tops).
Q: How does an MB wear his ID badge at work? None of the options (lanyard, clip-on, stapled to the forehead, etc.) seem particularly magnificent or bastardly....and certainly not both together. Any suggestions? --Mickey
A: Our primary suggestion is to not have a job where an ID badge is required. A well-endowed trust fund is another good option. But sometimes you gotta feed the monkey, which is where a reinterpretation of the classic luggage tag comes in. On sale right now at giltman.com is this Jack Spade boar skin version for just $18. Sale ends tonight at 11PM CT.
(Again, if you'd like an invitation to Gilt Man -- currently our favorite shopping site -- drop a line.)
Q: Is "dressy casual" a girlie thing? I'm having a film premiere and want to put something on the invitation to indicate some level of expectation for the guests. It's not a formal event, but I don't want people showing up in work jeans and Uggs. --Sam
A: Sam, you're not going to like our answer but we're strongly opposed to any invitation with sartorial guidelines that don't include both the words "black" and "tie," especially something as oxymoronic as "dressy casual." (To our ear, "dressy casual" is a dangerous invitation to popped collars and banana-colored capri pants -- not to mention coral sneakers and mom's leggings -- and should be avoided at all costs.)
MBs don't concern themselves with what their guests wear, rather, important things within their control, like whether or not they ordered enough booze. We'll be looking for our invite, and we like Dewar's.
Q: I'm definitely on board with tucking in your sport shirts (I don't like Bravo, either). But I've been wearing sport shirts under sweaters a lot recently, and was wondering about the protocol on the sport shirt underneath. Tucked or not? --Christopher
A: First of all, we love Bravo, just not the guys who give the dudes on Jersey Shore a run for their toolbaggery.
Second, the tuck rule still applies for shirts underneath a sweater. I.e., if your shirt is designed to be untucked, go for it; if it's designed to be tucked, tuck it. This way you'll achieve the desired artfully disheveled shirt-barely-peeking-out look as demonstrated here by Joseph Gordon-Levitt in (500) Days of Summer.
Ed. note:(500) Days of Summer is the best romantic comedy we've seen since Annie Hall. OK, maybe it's the only romantic comedy we've seen since Annie Hall. Anyhow, the only thing better than the flick (just by a whisker) is the soundtrack that includes tunes from The Smiths, Hall and Oates, and Spectacular Bitch par excellence Carla Bruni.
Q: What's the difference between artful dishevelment and not trying? I can't seem to get the technique down, because I either end up looking like a slob or I'm trying too hard. Please enlighten me, MB. --Mike
A: Mike, for questions like these, Nick Nolte usually has the answers.
Q: A few years ago I bought a tuxedo shirt for my wedding, with the plan of wearing it as a casual "going out" shirt after our nuptials . After 4 years, I've yet to put it in play. I seemed to remember a time when wearing said shirt was alright to do with a pair of jeans. Was I dreaming? Is this something Ii should only wear if I renew my vows.....or get remarried? --Brian
A: This is not the easiest thing to execute, but definitely doable. However, Brian, in your case, the fact that the shirt has hung in your closet for four years is definitely telling you something: Listen! Either: a.) Do as you suggest and wait until your next marriage. The seven year itch is only three short years away. Or b.) Donate it to either your wife or mistress. Women can look great in them.
Q: While I feel confident that I have successfully managed the unfavorable hand of genetic hair-loss with a close cut; and despite a having solid hat collection, every winter I pine for the many benefits of a full head of hair. With that in mind, what's the MB stance on seeking hair-replacement treatments? --Joe
A: Joe, don't cut it too close (see an earlier post on the matter). It's easy for us to sit here with hair up the wazoo and tell you to work with what the good Lord gave ya, but that's exactly what we're going to do. Hair replacement/transplants run into the many thousands of dollars and they're a crap shoot. For that kind of bread you can upgrade your hat collection with this ultra-toasty shaved beaver model (now on sale for $290) and have wads of cash left over for penis enlargement pills.
Q: I see I am not the only one to take interest in your header. While the lovely lady was also what I noticed first, I had another thought: what are the best breeds of dog for a MB? --Jon
A: Like many other things, Anglophilia is at the heart of the answer, as is Paul Fussell's must-read 1983 classic Class. While MB-dom and class is not a 1:1 correlation we think his observations on dogs are quite astute:
They are classier the more they allude to nonutilitarian hunting, and thus to England. The top dogs consequently are Labradors, golden retrievers, corgis, King Charles spaniels, and Afghan hounds. To be upper-class you should have a lot of them, and they should be named after the costliest liquors, like Brandy and Whiskey. The middle class goes in for Scotties and Irish setters, often giving them Scottish or Irish names, although it reserves "Sean" (sometimes spelled "Shawn" to make sure everyone gets it) for its own human issue. Proles, for their part, like breeds that can be conceived to furnish "protection": Doberman pinschers, German shepherds, or pit bulls. Or breeds useful in utilitarian outdoor pursuits, like beagles. The thinness of dogs is often a sign of their social class. "Upper-class dogs." says Jilly Cooper, "have only one meal a day and are therefore quite thin, like their owners."
Q: In the header photo, what's in the cocktail glass the MB is holding, and how many did the lady by the loading dock have? --Jeff
A: The MB is drinking Dewar's neat. There was no ice available on the set, but we consume it this way often anyhow. In fact, if we were stranded on a desert island (or maybe an island off the coast of Scotland) with a single spirit, it would be Dewar's, not just for its flavor, but for its versatility.
The woman in the pic came to the shoot straight (as far as we know) though a belt or two wouldn't have hurt for the header photos you are about to see.
Ed. note: If you are a woman reading this and have an interest in appearing in an upcoming MB.com header photo, drop us a line.
Q: Is gingham acceptable outside of spring/summer? If not, is there an equally awesome winter-based pattern? --Foreign Dignitary
A: This answer is definitely not by the book, but we endorse all manner of gingham year-round, partly because it is so awesome. It takes a certain attitude and confidence to pull it off, but the rewards are great. If the idea of wearing a large-check purple gingham shirt in the middle of January -- even under a cashmere sweater -- sounds a bit too adventurous, you can take a safer path and seasonalize it by choosing black and navy and brown for fall/winter (J.Crew is showing some coolwashed options), and save the pink and red and yellow versions until you see the first robin (that usually happens in early April here in Wisconsin).
Q: I am looking at having my first custom suit made. Considering that this will be my ONLY suit, what qualities should I look for in colour, fabric & design? I'll be wearing it to weddings, job interviews, etc. --Sean
A: For the man who only needs or wants or can afford a single suit, this is the suit to own:
Color and Fabric: Charcoal gray, in a four season wool from a top-notch textile maker like Loro Piana.
Jacket: Moderate width notch lapel. Two buttons. Top welt and front flap welt pockets. Given your Queen's English spelling of "colour," go with double back vents. (Yanks can go single vent.) Functional four-button cuffs. Light/non-existent shoulder padding.
Pants: Flat front, straight leg cut. Tab waist with zip closure. On seam front pockets, back welt pockets. No cuff.
This is a suit for a decade, at least. Let us know how it turns out.
Q: I'm looking for some new jeans, what can you tell me about PRPS, and are they really worth the money? --Chris
A: We like PRPS denim, but we're not so crazy about the brand's pursuit of "authenticity" by torturing a perfectly good pair of jeans until they look just like a 25-year-old pair of Wranglers worn by an overworked house-painter with a second-rate washing machine. We think it's fine to spend $300 - $400 on a pair of jeans, but only if that price doesn't stop you from doing things you'd do if you were wearing a pair of 501s. They're jeans, after all, not limited edition art objects.
If you like their fit -- and fit is everything with denim -- get something like the dark wash selvedge and start making your own holes.
Q: Any tips for a camel hair coat (tan?) for winter wear? I'm looking for an alternative to urban-type coats and would like something more classic. Or is it too old-fogey classic?! --Gerald
A: We checked traditionalist sites Ralph Lauren, Pendleton, Brooks Brothers, and J. Press, and couldn't find a single camel hair coat. Gerald, this is a sign, either to abandon the idea or double down with this $2300 trench from J. L. Powell (originally $4950).
Q: This is my first time on this website, and I love it! OK. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo, it's a tribal star (5 tips), actually I have made up my mind on getting the tattoo and the design I just can't make up my mind on where to get it. I'm thinking either on the left side of my chest (under my amrpit) or on the inside of my bicep. I really don't want it to show, but which is more MB? Thanks a million. --Othman
A: We think the best place to get a tattoo is jail. As long as your record is clean, we encourage you to keep your chest and biceps clean too.
Q: MB Gods, my question is about sunglasses, specifically color. What's your stance on white sunglasses on men? I occasionally see them on pro snowboarders or surfers and they seem to pull it off but the guys I see on the streets in white shades are always toolbag-ish. Partly because they are either Oakleys, really big frames, or both. But mainly because, well...they're white! So white shades: Mag-Bastardly or Toolbaggy? --Kasper
A: Neither MB or TB, more like TTH. The fictional character Max Headroom was able to pull them off, as did Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, but he also successfully wore girls' cardigans, fingernail polish, and even made suicide seem cool. Similar to our answer to a question about pulling off a white blazer, if you have to ask, don't try.
Q: I've noticed that certain combinations of shoes and pants lack the seamless blending/transition at the overlap, such as flare pants with skinny width shoes. Are there any tips to get the right balance? See Exhibit A (top) and B (bottom). --Mike
A: It's only January 7th but we're pretty sure this will be the most astute observation made all year. Well done.
While our answer should probably take the form of a pseudo-scientific chart, the only tip or guide you need is to follow the architectural principle of proportion. Or, why wearing narrow-outsole sneakers (like a Puma Roma) with bootcut denim feels totally weird.
Similarly, a jacket's lapels and tie should be of like widths. A big part of the problem with the skinny trend (RIP) was the poor bastards who merely dipped their toe in and bought a skinny tie to wear with a traditional-width lapel suit. Like so many breast enlargement surgeries, it looks wrong, and there's a reason why.
Q: As a top-flight plain clothes supervisor in a major southern police department, this question must be asked: Holster on the belt or go with the shoulder holster? I feel pretty good about my overall MB status but this one keeps me awake. I like the convenience of the belt holster but really feel like the shoulder rig is the only real MB choice for those of us in a suit. Your call - just the right call for the classic MB police style or just trying too hard (TTH)? --Ray
A: Our call is that it's the right call. The MB plain clothes cops we know -- Virgil Tibbs, Harry Callahan, Jack Cates -- all choose the shoulder holster and for good reason: it hides the pistol's bulk beneath your jacket (form), and also allows for a quick draw (function) as demonstrated by Sydney Poitier in 1970's They Call Me MISTER Tibbs!.
Q: It's getting hard to find cool sport shirts that aren't fitted or slim fit. I know what you're going to say, but they don't look good on everyone, and it would be much worse to wear a shirt that's too tight. Any solutions that don't include going to the gym? --Adam
A: Geez, based on recent questions you'd think MB was some kind of shaving and workout-crazed American version of the Taliban. No, but perhaps menswear designers are trying to tell us all something: mix in a salad!
Adam, we recommen- Put that doughnut down! We recommend looking at Polo (preferably without the player logo). Even Ralph Lauren has jumped pretty heavily onto the "slim" bandwagon, and maybe his shirts are not the kind of cool you were thinking of, but the "classic" fit and Big & Tall have always been designed with a thicker American man in mind.
Q: Hi MB: What kind of sunglasses is Ewan McGregor wearing in Men Who Stare at Goats? Liking that look for my husband. --Sue
A: Ewan McGregor is wearing the iconic Randolph Engineering Aviator HGU4/P in gold with grey lenses. These sunglasses were also worn by Col. Kilgore (Robert Duvall) in Apocalypse Now. Go with the bayonet temples for the full effect.
Q: No facial hair? Ever? So how do explain Brian Austin Green nabbing Megan Fox? George Clooney and Elisabetta? Pitt and Jolie? Surely these guys aren't toolbags. If they are, I have no chance at all.
About the couples you mention: Megan Fox (age 23) probably had a crush on Brian Austin Green (age 36) since she was 10 and he was on 90210. George Clooney is rich, famous, and handsome. Any one of those three is usually enough. Angelina Jolie? Ick!
Q: I've noticed you guys are down on Brooks Brothers, and I mostly agree. However, I just picked up a suit and sport coat from the Black Fleece line for 50% off and had a made to measure suit done. I picked wool from the Zegna factory and it will be constructed in the Martin Greenfield factory in Brooklyn. So, in the right setting, can Brooks Brothers be considered bastardly? --David
A: While we've poked some good-natured fun at Thom Browne, his stuff for Black Fleece the past two years is pretty good, and the quality is top-notch. Made in China, this is not. Our problem has always been the completely ridiculous pricing. Even at 50% off (as much of it is now) it's only a so-so value. If you like Black Fleece, keep your eyes on Gilt Man; they just had a sale with discounts in the 60-75% range and we expect another one fairly soon.
Ed. note: giltman.com is fast becoming a near-daily required shopping stop. If you'd like an invitation to join just drop us a line.
Q: What types of shirts and pants combinations can be paired with a black velvet blazer for a semi-formal New Year's Eve celebration? --Black
A: The shirt is easy: white, pressed, no button-down. If you have one, an evening shirt with studs would be MB. The pants? Hmmmmm ... time is short ... is there a Black Fleece-stocked Brooks Brothers near you? The blazer + the shirt + these subtle tartan pants will definitely get you more than the obligatory New Year's peck on the cheek.
Q: What's your take on "creative black tie"? I am a traditionalist, but I f#$@ing hate wearing a tuxedo. Is there an acceptable MB-worthy solution that eliminates the need to wear a tie? --Johnny C.
A: Johnny, what you call "creative black tie," we call "a slippery slope to looking like Brett Michaels."
Opting out of a tie for black tie is a high-risk proposition. Even the sartorially gifted and adventurous Adrien Brody flopped spectacularly with the open shirt/medallion look at the Oscars a couple of years ago (inset). About the only successful untied look we've seen is David Beckham in an ascot. And he's David Beckham. With Posh Spice at his side.
A tuxedo is designed to be formal and somewhat generic. So trying to get creative with it is like trying to turn a pizza into a doughnut. You can do it, but you're probably going to end up with a funny-looking doughnut. Know when to pick your spots, or in other words, follow this MB Rule: Going against the flow doesn't mean pissing against the wind.
A: Lou, even with your apparent youthful looks and strapping bod, as you can see from the chart below, you're pushing it. Not to mention, if you're going to go moto make it leather and not polyester (principle of organic matarials).
Q: Though there have been many a discussion on jeans, whether white, distressed, old or young, what is the MB's take on black jeans? Not too black, not too gray? What is the best course of action, or stay clear all together? --Todd C.
A: We're not going to tell you not to wear black jeans. But we stay clear because we only see them fully successful when worn on stage. And none of us can sing a lick.
Q: I have a job that I'm able to dress pretty casually to and therefore wear jeans a better part of the time. My question is this, if I'm wearing something like the beloved Pumas, which may be something other than black or brown, what color of sock is appropriate? I was taught to match the sock with the pant? Does this mean blue socks? And if so, where can I find a respectable pair of socks? --Dave
A: No, Dave, it does not mean blue socks. We're not really into sock-matching in trouser situations, and with denim no rules apply, except of course the immutable rule that white socks are for athletic activities (and no, Obama, it does not include throwing out the first pitch).
We've mentioned this before but we really dig Paul Smith socks. Each spring and fall he adds just the right seasonal touches with material, color, and style. Unfortunately they retail for $30/pair. A more affordable option we've been happy with is Happy Socks (pictured), available from Gent Supply Co. for $10.50.
Q: I've got a pair of super-comfy CK jeans and I've worn them so much that they've started to get holes in the knees. I've considered cutting them into shorts because it's summer in OZ. Should I? And if so, how short? --Reece
A: Whoa, mate. Rather than make a mistake that might get you on the front page of jorts.com, instead take this opportunity to begin creating some seriously cool, organically destroyed jean pants. Find a tailor with an interest in being less like a seamstress and more like a designer, and show him this picture (here is a super-big version). Get him to put the patch behind the hole and damn-near embroider on the top with a high-contrast, heavy-weight thread. Then get to work making some new holes.
(Jeans pictured owned by: Carl Chiara. Design director, Levi's Capital E and Red Collections.)
Q: I've used your shoe-pointiness graph as a guide in footwear purchases since you've published it, but it doesn't address style. How does the MB feel about wingtips? Are they an old classic or just old? --Joe
A: The highly-polished, stacked-heeled, leather-soled wingtips our grandfathers are still wearing definitely look a bit stodgy these days. And they're so noisy, like car alarms for your feet. (Don't even try to steal that Scotch, Gramps! We totally hear you!) We still like wingtips but they're a classic in desperate need of a twist, like the flat rubber-soled Guccis we endorsed a few weeks ago.
Q: When is the MB going to address whether to burn or wear proudly the Tiger Woods golf clothing attire? --Jeff
A: Our policy has always been to burn Tiger Woods golfing attire whenever you encounter it. If someone's actually wearing it, though, call out "Fore!" before you start lighting any matches.
Q: Winter is upon us and I was wondering what is a MB winter coat? I'm talking for below zero, snowy conditions. I figure puffy, bubble coats and bright colored ski jackets are out. So what is a MB to do when it gets really cold and you have to go out? --Jon G.
A: Puffy coats are definitely not out. Moncler made some of the earliest versions, and the Italians deemed them worthy for the initial ascent of K2 in 1954.
However, if you don't have an extra $900-$1000 lying around we really, really like the Spiewak N3B Snorkel Parka (also developed in the '50s) and it's just $164.95. Yeah, it is a little overkill for your garden-variety winter weather, but a good defense when Jack Frost is nipping at your nose like a pit bull trained by Michael Vick.
Q: How low should I tie my tie? My roommate says above the belt, I say the tip should be between the top and bottom of the belt. Back me up, and he's buying all of us beer next time you're on the East Coast. --Mike
A: This is definitely unconventional wisdom and somewhat difficult to pull off, but we agree with your roommate. So does one of our biggest influences, Yves Saint Laurent. In fact, we've been known to let the narrow end meet (and even exceed!) the length of the wide end with excellent results. But you need to be fairly tall and in shape or you'll end up looking like hamburger-loving J. Wellington Wimpy.
Q: I just found your site the other day through www.onthefly.com, a truly wonderful website for the modern gentleman. It now has another feather in its cap--it has led me to you folks! Immediately upon finding your site, I went looking for answer to something I've been wondering for quite some time now. Alas, it appears that you have not addressed this yet. How do you feel about manicures? Pedicures, I gather, are required for sandals, but what about the other 10 digits? --Bryning
A: We endorse meticulous personal grooming, especially when someone else is doing it. Artful dishevelment does not extend to peeling cuticles. So yes, manicures are MB-approved. However, since they are your more dexterous digits and near your face, it's possible to care for these adequately on your own. Feet, on the other hand, require a professional, unless you have yoga master-level flexibility.
Q: I've been reading your site for quite a while now and have gotten some great advice. I know SpectacularBitch.com will be up and running soon, but I have a holiday issue. I would like to get my girlfriend a brown leather jacket for the holidays (she has been wanting one for a few months, but she is really picky). I was wondering what leather jackets SpectacularBitch.com would recommend. --Stefano (MB-in-training)
A: Stefano, buying clothing for a girlfriend is not recommended. Buying clothes for a picky girlfriend? Hang on to the receipt.
Without knowing your gal's style, here are three options for three SB archetypes:
If She Owns Pearls (Classic) Daryn Suede Hacking Jacket (Top)
This Ralph Lauren Black Label jacket was once $2498.00. It's now just $1099.00.
If She Thinks Snow-shoeing is More Than Just an Excuse to Buy Another Pair of Shoes (Outdoor Enthusiast) Weathered Leather Peacoat (Middle)
$495.00
Q: Dear MB: I am a basketball coach and would like to carry my magnificent ways from the classroom to the practice court. What kind of athletic apparel do you recommend to keep me on the magnificent path. Thanks. --Press
A: Press, the answer to your question lies in a '70s TV drama. Ken Reeves, aka "The White Shadow," shows the way magnificently, just as he showed Carver High's ball club how to run the high pick-and-roll with Coolidge and Salami: fitted white polo with deep placket and pointed collar, slim track pants with contrast side stripe(s), and low-top sneakers.
Q: I shave my head, due to hair loss, and feel that it detracts from your artfully disheveled standards. Are there any general rules for us smooth-domed MB wannabes that I should be following? --Dan
A: Dan, you said you shave your head, but how often do you shave? We ask because in our opinion, the fully shaved look (aka the Savalas) as a can't-miss cure for baldness is ultimately about as can't-miss as Rogaine or Propecia -- it doesn't always work as advertised. If you're Michael Jordan, go for it. If not, well, just look at Jack (top) -- suddenly one of the world's coolest dudes looks like a bigger toolbag than Joe the Plumber.
Our advice: when you shave, leave enough stubble to make your wife/girlfriend think twice about asking for special favors. Then, don't shave again until you start worrying about the impact wind/hats are having on your hair. The more hair you have left on top, the more frequently you'll have to shave. When you're looking like Jackson Pollock (bottom), you're looking just right. When you're looking like Larry Fine (inset), you've let it go too far.
Q: This is a time-sensitive request, so hopefully you will publish an answer soon. I am convinced other fathers will have the same question. I will be taking the kids to Disney World in December and was wondering what a Magnificent Bastard can wear on his feet for all that walking that will send the appropriate level of Magnificent Basterdness to the Crocs-wearing dads I am destined to see there. I don't want my feet to hurt, but I also don't want to look like...well you know what I would look like in Crocs or a similar kind of "shoe." Of course they can't be dressy because it's about as casual a vacation we can go on...short of spending all of our time on a beach, but I am sure Bastards such as yourselves can solve my problem. --Jeff from Illinois
A: Jeff, first off, relax! Disney World is the one place on the planet where wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt may qualify you as the coolest guy in the room. Or to put it another way: If your goal as an MB-in-training is merely to outdo some Crocs-wearing stroller-pusher from Topeka, well, you're setting the bar kind of low! But what the hell -- baby steps, right?
Browse our shoe channel and you'll note our interest in classic sport shoes. In fact, visit the MB-recommended classicsportshoes.com and just about anything will do, though we seem to always end up in Adidas or Puma. One of our all-time faves is the difficult-to-find Puma California EXT, available in 8.5, 9, 10, and 10.5. And don't mess up the socks. Go for no-show or none at all.
Q: What's a better choice for desert boots: leather or suede? Also, should I stick with Clarks or go for another brand? --Sam
A:
1. Desert boots are suede.
2. Clarks invented desert boots. They were first worn by British officers doing battle with Rommel in the deserts of North Africa. In other words, stick with Clarks.
A: Cardigans are everywhere this year but don't let that keep you from wearing them. They're timeless. One strong suggestion, however: find one that's on the short side, and slim (bottom). The majority out there are droopy, longer ones that have a very un-MB shortening effect.
A: This is part of the Fall 2009 Tom Ford collection, who we believe to be the greatest living menswear designer. Available at his stores (furrowed brow extra). Best bet: the one at 845 Madison Ave.
Q: I was organizing my closet today and came across my old Joseph Aboud black, banded collar long sleeve shirt.... Should it remain in the back of the closet, or can I wear it again? --Ron
A: Ron, you should've never bought the shirt in the first place. Make amends to the style gods by soaking it in gasoline and use to start a bonfire large enough for them to see.
Q: Dear MB, I was recently traveling in Spain and noticed a particular style among the men there which I would like to replicate. Professional men seemed to wear a lot of very trim cut, double vented odd jackets in light weight fabrics (it was still quite warm in October). Solid, patterned, cotton, linen - quite a variety, but nothing I seem able to find in the US. The look was way more MB than the typical quad-pleated Dockers, golf shirts and Oakleys I tend to see here. Can you point me in the right direction? Thanks! --Matt
A: Odd jackets? Have you tried your local Goodwill? Pairing the blazers you describe with equally slim-cut wovens, cool denim, and sport/fashion footwear is a winning look that's pretty easy to achieve, especially if you would've stopped into a few of the hundreds of little menswear shops there. Now that you're back in America the easiest way to find what you're looking for is to visit yoox.com. If you're flush with cash try a higher-end YOOX property: thecorner.com.
Thank you for answering my MB polo shirt buttoning policy question! Here's a follow up: With Christmas around the corner family has been asking what I want. I've decided I'm ready to ditch the Clarks and get a legit pair of new business casual shoes for work (black and brown). To accomplish this I'm going to request gift cards but they'll have to be to the same store in order to stack them all together. But which store is the best for MB shoe shopping? Was thinking Nordstrom but haven't been that impressed with their selection. I'd also prefer an actual store versus online but will defer to your expert opinion. Where do you get your shoes? --Jay
A: We get our shoes all over the place. Any of the retailers linked on our home page, if they sell shoes we've probably bought a pair. Our biggest wins, however, have come from bluefly and we recommend it for you in spite of its online-ness. Great options for your immediate bizcash need and depending on your adventurousness and line of work, they've always got interesting sport/fashion from Prada, Puma, Tod's, and Adidas, which is the direction we're going these days.
Q: The top or bottom button on a 2 button suit. MB can you settle a debate on button etiquette? We have always been told NOT to use the bottom button on any jackets? Is it ever appropriate to a.) use both buttons on a 2 button jacket? b.) use only the bottom button on a 2 button jacket? --Dave
A: There are only two occasions when it's OK to button both buttons on a jacket: during your wedding vows or during your oath of office. And never only button the bottom button. Even a total schlub like Nixon, in complete disgrace, in a crappy Windsor knot and flag pin, knew to only button the top one.
Q: Are you ever going to touch on the atrocity of wearing flip-flops and jeans together? Your silence suggests it is still appropriate attire as you pontificate pearls of bastardly fashion from your cozy West Hollywood cyber-cafe. --Larry
A: Woah, Lar. There's actually a bit of a chill this morning on the terraced patio here at Urth Caffe on Melrose, warmed only slightly by an organic dolce espresso and the sight of Meg Ryan. Anyhow, we're from a small farming community in the middle of Wisconsin, and we say flip-flops and jeans are fine, but only if you've had a pedicure in the last 21 days.
Q: I like the look of high/riding boots, but think it's too much to wear unless you're in the English countryside or riding. The other day I saw a guy wearing a nice pair of leather ankle boots, like a ferragamo or gucci boot, with his pants tucked into them. I couldn't decide whether it looked ridiculous or courageously cool. What say you? --Tom
A: Tom, we answered your question about a year ago, calling it TTHTLLYS (Trying Too Hard To Look Like Yosemite Sam), and still oppose this overly affected style. Weather the pant-tucking trend for now as it will be completely gone by next fall, except on re-runs.
Q: Around a month ago I watched GQ Rules: How to dress better in 15 days. What caught my attention was Jim Moore's tie and collar buttons.
Is it MB to tie your tie a bit loose just like Jim Moore? Also, I know you are not supposed to wear a tie with a shirt with button collars. What do you guys think? I uploaded a picture here http://i34.tinypic.com/4h3w3m.jpg of Jim Moore just in case you guys haven't watched it yet. --Franco
A: First, it's certainly OK to wear a tie with a button-down collar. Second, this is Jim Moore's version of artful dishevelment and it's definitely endorsable (though the tie width and knot size is not). Finally, one thing we don't get about Jim Moore's look is the eyewear. We're pretty sure he got those at our high school algebra teacher's garage sale.
Q: I purchased this coat from Banana Republic. The only thing I don't like about it is the lack of vents in the back. Is this something I could trust in the hands of my tailor to remedy? Or is it too risky? --Matt
A: A tailor can easily do it. While he's adding vents, have him subtract the epaulets. Military was MB in 2007, passable in 2008, post-peak in 2009.
Q: Toggle coats, yes or no? I've never found one that doesn't make me look huge. Now I'm just thinking this is the MB's way of telling me to stop looking. --Kyle
We've never been a fan of toggle coats, but not because they make us look huge. It's because when we see one, it invariably reminds of a front door with seven deadbolts on it. It's as if the wearer is worried that someone is going to break into his coat and steal his sweater. These overfortified coats are everywhere this season, but you can safely avoid.
Q: I need to buy a new pair of magnificent golf shoes, but I don't really know where to look. Any ideas??? Thanks! --Blake
A: Unfortunately golf shoes have followed in the footsteps of running shoes and gone all ugly space-age (top), when MBs just want the golf shoe equivalent of New Balance 574s (bottom).
It's difficult to offer suggestions in such a depressed golf shoe environment, but last season's Puma Club Shoe works and is on sale for $70. Also keep your eyes on eBay for Adidas and Puma models when they were cool, like back in 2008.
Q: I was talking to my girlfriend today about MB and she mentioned that she wished there was a version of MB for women. I was curious as to whether you folks had ever thought about finding some fabulous ladies to run a sister site with a similar style? --Mark
A: Funny you should ask, Mark. We're diligently working on our sister site, spectacularbitch.com. Okay, we're not diligently working on it. But we're working on it. Check back in in early 2010, and we should at least have the website equivalent of Carla Bruni's top. In other words, not a lot of substance, perhaps, but loads and loads of style.
Q: I'm headed to the Victoria's Secret show and after party in NY and the attire is listed as "dressy cocktail" (as expected) on the invitation. I'm pretty sure I'm leaning toward a nice suit and tie, but was curious as to what you might think would be good in terms of style for the show and the party itself. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks! --DR
A: DR, did you say something? Sorry, we've got the Victoria's Secret Miraculous™ Push-Up bra ad running on a loop here. Did you know it instantly adds two cup sizes? Anyhow, what was your question? Oh, right. Suit. Good.
Q: What's the word on beige suits? I think they're pretty tough to pull off, but I'd say it can be done. I really like this one (although I'm not a fan of the 3 buttons). Where could I find this one with two buttons? --Christopher
A: This looks more like "khaki" to us, and they're not difficult to pull off at all. Just not now as we head into winter. Wait until baseball season starts again.
Unfortunately you'll likely have to wait until then to pick one up as they've disappeared off the sale pages, but Theory usually makes a good one.
Q: I would hope that you are continuing your search for the perfect peacoat this year. It is a bit early in the season, but have you found any potential candidates? Price is not a factor. --Aaron
A: Aaron, if you haven't noticed, as a result of the economy, most fall 2009 collections suck pretty hard, and peacoats are no exception. There is one standout, though, and it's this John Varvatos Star USA suede model. A real statement piece. The only bummer is that the collar is faux fur (principle of organic materials).
If $895 is too rich, GQ just published a Best Coats Under $500 piece that's worth checking out.
Q: I couldn't find any MB articles on flannel (although I haven't really looked). Just curious, I keep hearing about "designer" flannel shirts that really seem too expensive for what they are. What is the MB's stance on flannel? I like wearing it because it's soft, warm, and durable, and I live in the Rockies. --Joe
A: It took nearly 15 years but the grunge affliction is finally behind us. Wear your flannel with confidence, but only if you weigh less than 100 lbs., are female, and not a lesbian. Otherwise, we tend to view flannel as this season's fleur-de-lis.
We were looking through images on Google and found the Magnificent Bastard that puts all others to shame.
See exhibit A and B. We can't help but notice Albert Einstein's artful dishevelment and dignified countenance. In short: too bastardly for us to compete with. Also, we noticed the tuxedo collar is used with a high sense of class. What is your opinion on this Magnificent Bastard?
With Awe,
Zach and Jon
A: In theory, Einstein should qualify as an MB. But while we don't know much about physics, we do know that artful dishevelment does not mean being so preoccupied with quantized atomic vibrations that you don't realize you've put on your wife's shorts and sandals instead of your own. Sorry, Albert!
Q: Uncrate, previously satisfied with simply adding a "me-too" to other sites' work, seems to have recently gotten into the fashion advice business for itself (http://www.uncrate.com/men/style/garb/) . Their suggestions for "The New Wall Street" seem follow the MB-approved principles of Anglophilia, natural materials and I don't see a belt-clip for that Blackberry ... still, I worry. For example, how can I properly scmhooze a board meeting in "narrow ankle" pants that feature an index-card-sized branded patch logo on the ass?
So the question: Is Uncrate ready to quit the kids table and come drink with the adults, or is little brother TTH? --Andrew
A: Just as you can't ask a caterpillar to fly, you can't expect every guy out there to take on the responsibilities of being an MB -- which in part include knowing one's own style well enough to occasionally decide for yourself which pants go with which shirt. Or simply which pants not to wear at all.
Q: What is your opinion of the Sartorialist? It is a fashion blog that some of my friends recommended to me, and while I find a few of its entries to be MB-esque, I find many of them to be far too trendy and TTH. What is your opinion? --Jon
A: We have nothing but respect and admiration for The Sartorialist. Especially because he's got excellent taste in women.
A lot of his observations and recommendations are too trendy and TTH because he's in Manhattan. Now, there's nothing wrong with The Big Apple -- a couple of us went there once on a field trip in 8th grade -- but being from Pulaski, WI we naturally provide a more carefree, understated approach to men's style. Maybe it's NTHE (Not Trying Hard Enough) for some, but we're confident that if you follow the advice given in these pages, when you're a grandfather and look back at the photographs that document your life, you can do so with beaming pride instead of asking yourself, "What the fuck was I thinking?"
A: Halloween is a near impossiblility for an MB. It clearly violates the understatement principle. And turns on its head the objective of looking like you haven't thought about what you're wearing. You're wearing a fucking a costume!
Anyhow, if you insist, we suspect Michael Jackson may be a popular choice this Halloween, and we've put together a handy guide to choose the proper MJ look.
Q: After your recent "Are You a Cocktail Toolbag" I got to thinking about my favourite cocktail. How MB is my cocktail of choice - a White Russian? --Steve
A: Of course the most famous drinker of White Russians is The Dude, man. And while we strongly endorse his attitude towards authority, drinking, drug use, casual sex, and work-life balance, we just cannot get behind the White Russian -- it's far too sweet to be a daily drinker. If you find yourself out of Pepto Bismol, however, it does make for a good emergency digestive.
Q: I have a couple of pairs of jeans that are both a bit too long. Wondering what your thoughts and advice is for bringing jeans to the tailor? --Julius
A: It's a fact of life, superior jeans tend to be sized for folks with superior genes. Nothing too wide in the waist department, and typically with a 32-inch or 34-inch inseam. If your own legs don't measure up to that standard, you have two options. 1) Walk around as if your cuffs are trying to harbor your fugitive feet. 2) Take your jeans to a tailor. The latter is certainly OK.
Q: Two part Q, if that's ok. First - and please excuse the ignorance - I purchased a suit with the hopes of having it tailored to a slim fit (along these lines). Is that possible if the suit is not originally in that mold (it fits more so in this manner)? I have had it taken in a bit in the torso, however, I'd like the sleeves thinned out (narrower) and the shoulders to be less wide, rather more fitted to me. So I wasn't sure if the tailor was limited in ability or correct in saying that was not possible. With that comes the second part. Would MB happen to know who that suit (Roger Sterling plaid suit) is by/what style that would fall under exactly? Thanks a lot. I really appreciate all the help. --Carlos
A: Carlos: First, your tailor is wrong. Anything can be tailored to your specifications. But stop throwing good money after bad. The suit you bought (upper left) has three buttons and therefore is not what you're going for. Second, the Roger Sterling (played by John Slattery) suit in the photograph (upper right) is by D&G and it retailed for $1,425 in August 2008. Third, Brooks Brothers has a Mad Men Edition suit designed by the show's costume designer, Janie Bryant (bottom). Finally, we have a very strict rule at magnificentbastard.com, and we hope you take it under consideration: once a TV show look is available at Brooks Brothers, it's officially post-peak.
Q: What is your opinion on shopping at Ross? I know that 99% of the stuff there is unusable, but occasionally you can find a hidden gem. It also seems like a good place to start if you don't have much in the pocketbook. --Cheap Bastard
A: The nearest Ross Dress For Less (from our Pulaski, WI offices) is 491 miles away in Monaca, PA, so we're not terribly familiar with the place, though highly amusing online reviews make it sound similar to a 3rd-world bazaar, only more chaotic. And a 1% success rate is not worth it if you have to interact with The Great Unwashed in search of deals on underwear and striped sport shirts.
Do what we do: build a fire, pour yourself a glass of scotch, and click through the "Sale" links on our site's home page. There are great deals to be had from the comfort of your own home. Accompanying headbuzz just a nice bonus.
Q: Dear MB: I am writing to get your official position on a matter that arose last night between my girlfriend and I regarding sweaters: V-neck or crewneck? My girl (who claims she knows her stuff with clothing) told me to go with a crewneck and steer clear of v-necks if I am wearing a collared shirt underneath, as the V-neck would not be appropriate. I, on the otherhand, I prefer the v-neck and don't care for the crewneck, as it reminds me too much of those John McCain sport coat-sweater-tie combos that he was running around in last fall (sort of an older man's look to me). Does MB have an official preference for v-neck or crewneck sweaters, or am I just a dumb bastard for not listening to my girl? --Ryan
A: We agree with you and not your girl. When Paul Newman died last year, we cited his v-neck-woven shirt combination as his life's greatest achievement. And just look at James Dean in a v-neck and woven. This is artful dishevelment defined.
As a side note, John McCain typically did do the coat-sweater-tie combo until, hopelessly behind late in the campaign, tried the v-neck look with disastrous results.
Q: Ok here is my question. I am looking for a winter coat but I don't want something insulated because I tend to wear a lot of wool and cashmere sweaters. Essentially I am looking for something waterproof but longer than a ski jacket but not a full length trench but still long enough to cover a sport coat. Am I SOL? --Josh
A: Anything else? Does it have to come in black and be made in Scotland? Well in that case you're in luck! Try the classic Mackintosh. Yeah, it's $813 but it will stay in style as long as you're alive.
Q: After following your advice, my success with women has gone from about 5% to nearly 50%. It seems to have been the missing piece. Thank you! This is until recently. I was talking to a girl who loved my outfit at my favorite bar. She said it looked like I didn't even try, it just worked. At this time, a female bartender interjected that this look was my angle. The conversation was over. The bartender observed that on her own. Short of finding another bar, what suggestions do you have? --Ken
A: A cock-blocking bartender is even worse than a cock-blocking wingman -- you're not tipping your buddy, after all. But if you've really got the "not trying thing" down, and the bartender was female, maybe she was cootch-blocking the girl you were trying to pick up. Find out fast. If the answer's "yes," your favorite bar just became a terrible place to pick up women but a great place to get free drinks. If the answer's "no," try humor. The next time the bartender interrupts your game with some play-by-play analysis, say: "Jesus, mom, back off. Can't you see I'm trying to get laid here?"
Q: So I work in a bank now, and the attire demands shirt and tie. I'd look a little overdone in a suit. Can I wear brown dress shoes with black dress pants? (I know the policy on strictly wearing black shoes with a black suit, but since this isn't a suit...) --Christopher
A: Christopher, rules are definitely meant to be broken, but to break this one you have to know what you're doing. It has to be just the right black pant and brown shoe combination. In other words, if you have to ask, stick to black footwear with your black pants.
Q: So my pop and I are having a debate which I hope you can clear up. For my 5 year anniversary my wife and I are going to dinner followed by the orchestra. I want to look like an MB so I though this is a great excuse to purchase a new suit, but my pop told me to go for 2 nice sport coats and pants as needed which would allow me to mix and match all year long. Makes sense, is he on point with this? Also, would this be acceptable wedding and funeral attire or is that where a suit would come in? --Chris
A: It sounds like you don't just want a suit but need a suit, so we're recommending you ignore your old man and buy a suit. Choose something slightly more casual and you can flip your pop's argument right around, i.e., match the suit pants all day long with a woven shirt or knit shirt or sweater, and match the suit jacket with denim. You'll save money (well, maybe) and have something to wear to weddings and funerals.
So I'm 22 and in a band. I used to have long hair when I was around 18 but have since gone for a look more ... bastardly. The hair is getting kind of shaggy again and I'm told I should let it grow. I figured I'd clear it with the MB before doing something that could put my aspiring MB status into hot water. I was thinking something along the lines of Johnny Depp, but how does an MB look rock and roll while still being an MB? I'm no stranger to the €50 haircut so maintenance isn't an issue but I'm just not sure if I'll be rocking like a bastard or a magnificent flop. --Danny
A: Danny, this really depends on the quality of your band. If your band sucks, you'll only force Johnny Depp to get a crew-cut in order to avoid embarrassing comparisons. If your band rocks, any long style will work, no €50 haircuts necessary.
A: We've previously weighed in on Mark Nason boots, categorizing them as TTH and a gross violation of the understatement principle. Not to mention, whenever we see someone wearing them they're usually only part of a bigger, more comprehensive toolbag look.
If it's that rocker vibe you need, try the more toned-down style of Rock & Republic. They keep the skulls and other junk on the sole. An even more understated choice that still passes as rock 'n' roll is John Varvatos, and you don't have to worry about keeping your feet off of anyone's desk.
Q: I am overweight and poor, and as a result I have a wardrobe that is five years old. I'm trying to make the best of it so I come to you with a question: When are camouflage pants/shorts acceptable? --Ben
A: Two situations, Ben: 1. Protecting America's freedom, and 2. Halloween costume.
Fast for a day, take the money you would have spent on food and head to the clearance rack at Target, where you will always find multiple pairs of XXL Converse One-Star pants marked down to $10 or less.
Q: I am getting a bespoke suit made and I am trying to decide, notched, peaked or shawl lapel? And what about vents? One in the middle or two on the sides? --Jon
A: In spite of recently showing Clooney in peak lapels, we'd choose notch if it were our suit. Definitely not shawl unless you're a.) making a tuxedo or b.) Goldfinger. Regarding venting, we've discussed this before and came down on the side of double vents primarily due to our severe case of Anglophilia, but single vent is a perfectly fine choice as well.
Q: It's starting to get pretty chilly here in PA, and I've been looking into getting a new winter jacket for some time, but I'm not really sure as to what brand. So, what would an MB recommend for a college student, preferably within the $300 price range? --Mike
A: Mike, if you've been reading for a while you've seen "MB Deals of the Week" on a Helmut Lang Blizzard Coat and a Rogues Gallery Snorkel Jacket, both in your price range. If you don't like those then we're going to go into broken record mode: currently the best outerwear value on the market is Spiewak, plain and simple. Check out their new fall line at their new site, and you can actually order a few styles at Nordstrom. You'll stay warm and still have enough bread left over to throw a pretty decent kegger.
Q: My son desperately wants the SOH Cable Hand-Knit scarf, which I absolutely cannot afford. I can, however, knit extremely well. Is there any chance you might know the dimensions of the SOH Cable Hand-Knit Scarf? My son may not be a bastard, but he is absolutely magnificent, and he would be even more magnificent wearing that scarf. --Bonnie
A: Bonnie, a note of caution: Extravagantly doting on your son is one of the surest ways to turn him into a toolbag. But at least you're not just handing him your Bergdorf Goodman card and telling him to shop until until he gets hungry for a sandwich, which you will lovingly prepare. The SOH scarf is 72" x 12". Good luck and please use only the finest Mongolian cashmere.
Q: Have you seen this yet? GQ is on a downward spiral with their "good" fashion tips. Collar stays? Really? --Perry
A: GQ is like a machine. Every month they need to produce x amount of words to fill a magazine, and when that happens you're bound to get some bad (and often contradictory) advice. Not to mention, Glenn O'Brien (The Style Guy) can't write everything. Collar stays aren't just out, they prevent successful artful dishevelment. Take a close look at George Clooney's beautifully disheveled collar and you can clearly see there is definitely not a collar stay.
Q: Can you tell me your thoughts about the ECigarette? --Randall
A: Randall, besides being a gross violation of the principle of organic materials, the first time we saw this thing we thought it was a gag gift, on par with fake vomit and fake dog shit. Remarkably it's real (and incidentally delivers a real dose of nicotine). Can you tell how we feel? If not, we've created a useful chart below.
Q: I'm prone to rocking the Canadian tuxedo more than most, but I've always been under the impression that the key was pairing a washed out jacket with new, crisp jeans, or vice versa OR just rocking them with different colors altogether. But lately I've been told that the denim should match as closely as possible. I think this looks like a boiler suit, or maybe a denim onesie. What's your opinion? --Robert
A: First, we should note that funny questions always move to the front of the line. Second, we're not opposed to you "rocking" the Canadian tuxedo, but know that the degree of difficulty is extremely high. For every Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain there are 100 Neil Diamonds on the album cover for "Hot August Night." (And yes we know we just recommended a gay cowboy over a vintage Jewish mega-stud, but fashion's fashion.)
Q: Are there any decent white dress shirts that are not totally see through? Friends tell me to look at the more expensive dress shirts (purportedly because of the higher "thread count"). But then I look at $250 Armani dress shirts and they are just as sheer as other shirts (if not more so). Am I just stuck wearing a t-shirt underneath everytime I put on a white dress shirt, even in the summertime? --Richard
A: Without boring the absolute bejesus out of regular readers with a thread count discussion, the sheerness of a fabric is a combination of thread count, quality of the yarn, and weave. A fine-yarn shirt can have a high thread count (high density), cost $250, and still be sheer. You can also buy a low thread count, non see-through shirt at Burlington Coat Factory for $19.99 .
If you are opposed to wearing a shirt under your dress shirt (we strongly agree with that stance) and are hung up on sheerness, then focus on the weave rather than the thread count. Look for twill weaves or oxford weaves (but not at Burlington Coat Factory).
Q: I am graduating from college this semester and it puts me in the predicament of being both extremely broke and in need of a decent suit for interviews. What can a poor bastard do to pull off both conservative and MB on a budget? --Ron
A: We're not saying we've been there, but we feel your pain. And we're going to give you our usual response: choose a two-button charcoal grey suit in either wool or cotton. You can wear it all four seasons, and to weddings and funerals, too. Unfortunately, finding a stylish, affordable grey suit isn't easy. First, check YOOX for something in your size. If that fails, we're really impressed with what J. Crew is offering. $540 is certainly more than you probably want to spend, but this is a suit you can wear for the next 10 years, at least.
UPDATE: From reader Pete we get word that J. Crew offers a 15% discount of full-price clothing, including suits.
Q: What is the MB's stance on Bonobos polos and Bonobos in general? Their polos are slim but not too slim and come just high enough above the bicep with a tight fit. However there is a small logo on the lining of the buttons near the color? Does this violate the MB policy? --Todd
A: We don't really have a stance on Bonobos pants, though one reader did rate them very high on his own "gay factor" chart. The polos look promising. Nice sleeve length, but we could do without that piping. The logo isn't really a big deal because you can choose "matching logo," and if you follow the MB n-2 buttoning policy (as shown by the model pictured) you'd be hard-pressed to even display it.
Q: Pardon me if this is out of your normal realm. But I am about to turn 17 and am in need of a car. I have it narrowed down to an '80s era BMW 325i convertible, or an '80s era Jaguar XJ6, and I just can't make up my mind. Please help. --Adam
A: Adam, you're new around here, aren't ya? This is a no-brainer, and not just because the Jaguar was made in England (see previous posts about Anglophilia). It's more obscure, consumes more gas, and will only run when the sun is fully shining. All the BMW has going for it is the convertible, which is only useful to achieve superbly artfully disheveled hair.
Q: I live in a tropical South East Asian country with temperature averaging between 31 to 34C in the day. How would a MB dress here? --Sebastian
A: Would it be Indonesia by chance? Even if you're only living in the vicinity, rent 1982's The Year of Living Dangerously and then study Mel Gibson's wardrobe. Unbuttoned double cargo pocket shirts (tucked in of course), flat-front khakis, and perfect sleeve-rolling. Accessorize with cigarettes and/or Sigourney Weaver and you're good to go.
Q: How can a 36 year old male dress in resort casual without looking too metrosexual, preppy or like a Tommy Bahama wanna-be? --Mollee
A: From top to bottom:
Knit Shirt: Polo with sleeves that hit at about the middle of the bicep. No logos if possible, especially none with the name of your country club or a high-end public course he recently played. Be sure to follow the polo shirt button rule.
Woven Shirt: At least one in white, of course. Unpressed. Just take it out of the dryer and go. Not buttoned-down. If it's not specifically designed to be worn untucked, have him tuck it in.
Sweater: Fine gauge v-neck cashmere. Period. On cool nights have him toss this over the polo or the woven and let his shirt collar just do what it wants to do.
Pants: No pleats. No creases. No linen. Khakis with patch pockets are a solid choice. Only denim if it's dark and dressed up, like Theory. Shorts OK too, but when the sun goes down remember the rule: pants only.
Footwear: Plimsolls or Jack Purcells. Sandals or flip-flops (but only if they're made from organic materials).
The Feet Themselves: If he chooses the sandal/flip-flop route, remember this rule about feet: If you wouldn't put his toe in your mouth, you need to convince him to get a pedicure.
Q: I have a 100% Rayon sport shirt that has two buttons at the bottom. This shirt is made to be worn on the outside of your pants. Do I leave the buttons on or remove them? I know these are extra buttons but I don't know what the style is in regards to leaving them on or not. --Tom
A: Tom, do not confuse laziness with style. If you were born with extra nipples, well, maybe you could leave them on, because removing them would require a scalpel, some high-quality booze, and it would still be really painful. Buttons, however, can be snipped with a common pair of scissors.
Q: Is Roger Federer a Magnificent Bastard? --Cosgrove
A: In the past there's been a lot to place Federer firmly in MB territory. He doesn't sweat, he doesn't grunt like an animal on every groundstroke, and even when he gets destroyed (see 2008 French vs. Nadal) he's so graceful it looks like he's actually winning.
But the last year has given us pause. He cried like a baby at the Australian, looked like a waiter at Wimbledon, and last night whined about the foolproof electronic line calling system after losing to a Slam finals rookie who dresses like The Karate Kid.
Q: Corduroy pants, yea (suggestions?) or nay? --Nathan
A: Corduroy pants are staple of any fall wardrobe. Wear with confidence. Except, of course, for cordarounds. Here are three brands we've worn the cord right off:
Top: John Varvatos. Unfortunately these are a little difficult to find at the moment, but worth the search. Try eBay.
Middle:Barney's Co-Op. Barney's Co-Op house brand stuff is really good and these five-pocket cords are totally worth $125.
Bottom:Banana Republic. This isn't exactly inspired on our part, yet for $60 Banana cords never disappoint.
Q: Hey MB--I always enjoyed thinking about buying something from Clark's Register--now they are gone. What happened? --Ray
A: What happened is the owner died in 2004. The new owners did not have John Clark's aesthetic or vision and the store slowly started circling the drain. They consistently lost money, couldn't find investors, and finally euthanized it two weeks ago.
It's too bad, because Clark's Register carved out a niche that no one was really serving. Once, the store subscribed to the very sound principle that you can never have too many white shirts. Unfortunately, that evolved into a far more diabolical belief system: That you can never have too many Robert Graham shirts.
Q: I live in New York and am beginning to think about the harsh winter snow and ice set to arrive in the coming months. I don't like Tingley's or galoshes so what is an MB boot to wear during the winter months that looks decent with a suit and good with jeans? Red Wing? Bass? --Miles
A: Now that Red Wing boots have arrived at Bergdorf Goodman, we suppose that look has arrived in public as well. We're just not buying it, except, of course, to chop wood or build a barbed wire fence. Chalk one up to the marketing folks at Red Wing for a nice rebranding/repositioning, but avoid this soon-to-be short-lived trend and instead take a look at some of the new Prada options at bluefly. Sure, they are 2x or 3x as expensive as the Red Wings, but there is a high likelihood you'll still be wearing them in ten years. We've seen it happen. And they're flexible enough to work with a suit or jeans.
Q: Every MB enjoys a luxury once in a while, but I notice that you haven't given us any opinions on one that every true MB must indulge in at some point: the cigar. The occasional cigar, that is -- I don't foresee a need for a stockpile of cigars, and humidors reek of toolbaggery if you're younger than 50 anyway, right? Can you give this MB a basic cigar education, as well as some tips on good brands that won't break the bank for that special indulgence?
Much appreciated. --Max
A: On the one hand, Max, cigars are just an organic version of a Bluetooth headset or a pair of Oakleys -- a prop that shouts "Toolbag!" louder than Billy Mays trying to sell you spray paint for your lawn. On the other hand, they've got an unimpeachable pedigree -- beloved by sages, revolutionaries, statesmen, and tycoons alike. In recent decades, however, interlopers have fouled the waters. We're not saying you can't smoke a cigar -- not even an asshole as big as Rush Limbaugh can get between an MB and his pleasures. But use discretion. As our chart below shows, cigars are currently on a downward arc. Regarding specific choices, our own tastes run more toward medical marijuana. But a retailer whose judgement we endorse, On the Fly, offers sampler packs starting at $50.
A: We think boat shoes are fine, but encourage you to wear them only if you're actually on a boat or headed toward one. As for specifics, we all know the default choice when talk turns to boat shoes. Paul Sperry invented the category in 1935; the Top-Sider is an American classic. But so is Donald Trump and we don't want him anywhere near our feet. We don't feel quite so strongly about Top-Siders ... we've even given them a conditional thumbs-up in the past. But if you're in the market for something whose style is a little more amphibious, check out these Puma Decker slip-ons. We also like the Harrys of London Blake in dark tan, which is to the Top-Sider what ScarJo is to Marilyn Monroe, a more streamlined update to a tried-and-true design.
Q: What is the MB preferred method for closing a loaf of bread? The twistie tie or the spin and tuck? --Don
A: When it comes to bread, we prefer no bags at all, just bungee cords. A note of caution: Don't get too inspired by this photo and start wearing a beret. They're worse than bagged bread.
Q: How should an MB tie his trench coat belt? I really don't like the way people buckle it at the back. And not having a belt doesn't seem like a good choice either. --Cole
A: If your trench coat comes with a belt (and that's OK but we prefer beltless) there is only one way to tie it: in an artfully disheveled double knot just like the MB's MB.
Q: I have a matching gray vest and suit jacket that was once part of a three piece (the pants ripped). Is it MB to wear the top two pieces with pants of a different color? Perhaps black pants? Please advise. --Gideon
A: No, don't do that. In fact, don't even hang the jacket and vest near each other in your closet. Their relationship is over.
We're not huge fans of this look, but you can salvage the vest by pairing it with denim and a white shirt. The jacket, on the other hand, is probably a lost cause. Since it was once part of a 3-piece suit, it's almost certainly not going to have a cut that works with denim. And combining with dress slacks is a look that should be left to middle-aged men attending Sunday service. Feel good about yourself and donate that jacket to the nearest Salvation Army -- it will help some recently laid off Christian maintain his churchly style even in the midst of financial hardship.
Q: Should Thom Brown have his right to produce men's fashion revoked, or is it ever ok for an MB to look like THIS??? --Javier
A: As far as we can tell, Thom Browne's primary contributions to fashion are:
1. suits with capri pants, and
2. suits with shorts.
If you're a wee man who wants to flaunt his weeness, then Thom Browne is your god. This particular get-up makes him look like a tiny, hairy puppet IBM invented to sell toner cartridges to yacht clubs. We sincerely do not get it.
Q: In the right setting (think a beach in cabarete, Dominican Republic) and in the right make (Ralph Lauren, navy), can one manage bastardly magnificence in a sarong? I like to wear mine late in the day as the sun dips beyond an ocean horizon, but my lovely wife doesn't find it, well, all that groovy. --Tune
A: If the penalty for not wearing a sarong is being boiled alive and then eaten by men who are wearing a sarong, we reluctantly endorse wearing a sarong. In all other cases, shorts during the day, pants at night.
Q: I know your policy on tucking in polo shirts, but how about t-shirts? Marlon Brando had them tucked in in A Streetcar Named Desire, but I believe he was wearing undershirts. Is this something that can be pulled off? --Dave
A: While the current dominant style is untucked, we think you can tuck if you like, and Marlon Brando, James Dean, and Steve McQueen agree with us. A couple of other thoughts on the matter:
* Any t-shirt that makes it into your wardrobe should look good untucked as well as tucked. In other words, if you're tucking because your t-shirt is too long or too wide at the bottom, you should demote that t-shirt to garage rag.
* Take a close look at Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire and you'll see he's actually demonstrating the MB-endorsed artfully disheveled tuck. (Avoid the rip, though -- that's a little too Flashdance.)
Q: I'm going to a dinner party at a friend's house. All my summer shoes of course, I wear without socks. Is it appropriate to be barefoot if they ask you to take off your shoes? What's the etiquette on that? --Phil
A: In survey after survey throughout the 20th century, people have named Gandhi as the guest they'd most like to have at their summer party. In other words, as long as you don't start any fights and generally project a serene vibe, you should be fine. Furthermore, a genetically superior set of toes combined with a recent pedicure look better than any pair of shoes.
Q: My girl trims downstairs, should us guys tidy up? I'm not saying a full wax, I'm just saying... --Greg
A: As a rule, we're extremely wary of style trends popularized by male porn stars. But if your overgrowth is interfering with your girl's sexual pleasure, well, there are very few opportunities in life where you can come off as sensitive and considerate when your real goal is a blowjob. Break out the trimmers.
Q: They fall under all of your MB rules: matte, history, pedigree and tradition: Calf leather opera pumps. On occasions when you have to wear black tie are they the better alternative to the shiny, plastic and cheap looking patent leather oxfords? Cary Grant wore them, and so did Sinatra. What say you? --Sean
A: If you had a face like Cary Grant, or a voice like Frank Sinatra, you can get away with calf leather opera pumps, because no one will be paying much attention to your feet. Otherwise, avoid. Either way, never let anyone hear you say the phrase "calf leather opera pumps" out loud.
Q: My aunt and soon-to-be uncle have chosen the following dress code for their wedding:
"Nice shorts or slacks and Aloha/Hawaiian shirt and flip flops or comfortable shoes."
This might be the most un-MB thing I have ever heard. Do I have ANY options? Other than disowning? --Pat
A: Suck it up, complete the outfit by draping a camera around your neck, and send us photos. We want to see the bride and groom's matching Hawaiian garb.
Q: I'm shopping for some new boots and or shoes that I can wear to work. I work in the music industry so, stylish is not only acceptable but encouraged. What do you think about the Clarks desert boot? Or Robert Wayne's "Crue." I have a strong suspicion that the "Crue" doesn't have a clue about MB status. --Sethro
A: Sethro, it depends on how loudly the music you work with is typically played. Clarks desert boots meet just about every MB principle: They have a pedigree, they're Anglophilic, they're matte, and Steve McQueen wore them (top). But can you see Spinal Tap rocking "Sex Farm" or "Swallow My Love" in 'em? Exactly. This is where the Robert Waynes come in (bottom). Yeah, they're square-toed and shiny with an ugly Fleur de Lys design and an even uglier pirate on the sole, but you need something similar if your bands' amps go past 10.
Q: First of all, I love your site. Your advice as led to (too) many purchases as of late. What does an MB use as a checkbook cover? It can't be the freebie from the bank. --Kyle
A: Kyle, thanks for the kind words, but we haven't written a check since the Clinton administration. Even if you still write a few, we recommend doing it in the privacy of your own home, with the curtains drawn. In other words, no cover required.
Q: Magnificent Bastardom is difficult when you've been dealt the hairy back card... and not just a little fuzz -- I could pass for Chewbacca's Uncle if unkept. I shave it as often as I can, even use Men's Nair on it once in while. Since upkeep time resources are significant, I do cheat once in awhile and just trim the back of my neck. I've been thinking of accepting my fate and allowing some hair to grow as it is more work to maintain my hairy back than maintain my lawn. Is it acceptable to have a 'trimmed' hairy back? [Maintained and cut short with am electric trimmer -- versus smooth and stubble free.] Any suggestions on back hair abatement tools? --BearBack in Minneapolis
A: Shaving your own back? That must require a special modification to a Gillette MACH 3 or flexibility on par with Plastic Man.
And by the way, why are you maintaining your own lawn? Do you have something against illegal aliens? We're thinking that you might even be able to get a lawn/back maintenance combo deal -- if your back hair is as thick as you say it is, it's possible only a weed whacker can truly do the trick, and let's face it, in this economy, illegal aliens are in no position to be too picky about the jobs they accept.
All kidding aside, the only solution is a series of laser treatments. Yes they are costly and painful, but in the long run cheaper than razors or moonlighting gardeners.
Q: What's an MB's breakfast drink? Mimosas seem unbastardly, so what are we to have with our mid morning breakfast when we're sailing in Hawaii? --Tripp
A: Tripp, a few thoughts:
1. Mimosas are for women. 2. While we've given lukewarm special dispensation for Tommy Bahama camp shirts while on the Hawaiian Islands, we don't for Hawaiian Island-y cocktails while you're there. Continental U.S. cocktail rules still apply: no blenders, no pastels, no straws, no flowers, and absolutely positively no umbrellas. 3. Make it a Bloody Mary. And easy on the bloody.
Q: How does the MB view going gray or in my case white around the temples? Must I go to a salon for a pro dye job or are there any good product that I can use at home? --John
A: Neither! Graying temples are like an accessory from God. Rock 'em while you can, like George Clooney did 10 years ago (top). And as the gray takes over the rest of your mane, resist your temptation for coloration. Going gray naturally is the MB way. Dyeing is best left to Las Vegas performers and Billy Mays.
Q: Fall season is upon us, and I really need to get a leather jacket. Recently, GQdid a piece on popular leather jackets for the upcoming season but I wasn't sold on any of them. Where can I get a timeless leather jacket that won't break the bank? How about this one from Banana Republic? --Christopher
A: We weren't sold on them either, Christopher, and we're not really sold on that BR jacket (bottom) you're suggesting, either. It's just one epaulette away from Members Only.
Unfortunately, Arthur Fonzerelli's most lasting cultural influence was irreparable damage to the leather motorcycle jacket. He's basically the sun, and that BR jacket is the equivalent of wearing Icarus's wax and feathers. And we all know how that turned out.
To avoid his fate, look for something non-black with texture, either in the form of quilting or washing or nappa. This Salvatore Ferragamo quilted leather bomber isn't just timeless, it's an heirloom. And probably a bank-breaker, too. If that's too rich, try this Diesel charcoal leather field jacket. Exactamundo!
Q: I recently broke my pelvis and back in a motorcycle accident because some unmagnificent bastard decided to turn left without using his blinker. Thus, I am handicapped. Soon I will be able to walk again with the use of a cane. Where can a 21 year old guy go about looking for an MB-approved cane? --Brandon
A: Sorry, Brandon. The only more annoying (and in your case dangerous) driver behavior than lack of turn indication is driving in the left-hand lane. Move over, asshole! (Please visit slowertraffickeepright.com for more information on this important matter.)
Sorry, we digress. What you need is what's called a "system" cane, one that has a dual purpose or function, like cane+knife or cane+gun, or our recommendation: cane+flask. As usual, vintage trumps new so keep your eyes on eBay. Otherwise, both Fashionablecanes.com and Target.com (!) have someoptions that will keep you upright. Or depending on what's in the flask, not.
Q: If you have nasty feet and shouldn't be wearing sandals, what do you recommend with shorts? Some Pumas with low socks? Thanks. --Chris
A: Over the last three decades, thousands of Vietnamese immigrants have journeyed across oceans in boats we'd be afraid to board in a wading pool just to make your feet presentable in sandals. Get a pedicure! And if you think that sounds kind of girly, do you know who else gets pedicures? Lions! Well, circus lions anyway. And if it's man enough for them, it's man enough for you too.
And what if you have some kind of physical deformity a pedi can't cure? You're on the right track. We prefer anything vintage from Puma, Tretorn, Adidas, with no-show socks or none at all. You'd have a hard time going wrong picking just about anything from Classic Sport Shoes' Adidas Originals page.
Q: I am fully on board with your preference for vintage sneakers (Jack Purcells, etc.) for casual wear and would like to get on board. There's just one problem: I have plantar fasciitis, and my podiatrist says it won't get better if I wear unsupportive shoes. By supportive, he means shoes with a 3/4 length nylon shank built into the mid sole - i.e. a shoe that has a rigid arch. I can't seem to find any casual sneakers with this feature. There are plenty of running/athletic shoes out there, but they are only MB approved for their intended function. Are there any MB approved shoes that I can wear to the ballpark, rock concert, the beach, etc that will give me the support I need? --Mark
A: What the hell do we look like? Dr. Scholl?
A few weeks ago when the Washington Postwrote about the demise of Crocs (and George Clooney being their only hope), several commenters were crushed by the news because Crocs were the only thing that relieved their plantar fasciitis. Some additional Googling and it seems to be true: Crocs help plantar fasciitis. So we say get a pair, wrap them in silver duct tape, and if anyone asks about what the heck is on your feet, tell them they came recommended by Dr. Scholl.
Q: Hi, I inherited a vintage 1950s stainless Rolex Oyster that looks almost identical to this photo. Would you recommend the standard stainless Oyster band for this baby or perhaps a black nylon strap? --Chris
A: This watch can only be worn with the stainless bracelet. Why? Because the dial is silver. After a couple of recent watch/band questions it's time we simply and clearly state the rule: a black nylon strap is allowed only if your watch's dial is black.
Q: I've got a 1960 gold faced Omega Constellation that I just repaired. Do I understand correctly that gold faced watches are more formal than darker faced watches? If so, could you please recommend a good band to dress it down suitably? Perhaps a matte black nylon number? --Will
A: First, gold-faced is certainly dressier than dark-faced. Second, putting a nylon band on this watch would the equivalent of putting snowtires on a limosine. Finally, while we prefer silver over gold, you own a cool watch. Just put a black leather band on it and enjoy at the next wedding/funeral/church service.
A: If by "all the celebrities" you mean Twilight series star Robert Pattinson, then you're right. He doesn't leave home without them. But just like Pattinson is at peak, so are the Ray-Ban Clubmaster, and you want to stay on the left side of the trend curve.
Q: I am going to be coming home after a year long deployment to Afghanistan later this year and I am planning on buying a vehicle and would like your thoughts. It's down to either a 2009 Triumph Bonneville or a 1970s International Harvester Scout II (with no top). Both of them have a senseless lack of utility because they aren't driveable in the rain and are also completely impractical. I think the Bonneville has a little more understatement going for it and Steve McQueen used to ride one, but the Scout is more exclusive because it's older and it has a much higher chance of constantly breaking down. What are your thoughts? --Blake
A: Blake, we have an unhealthy (and expensive) obsession with vintage International Harvester trucks -- we have one on the farm in Pulaski -- so it's an easy call. But even if we didn't we'd still vote IH because everything else being equal, vintage always trumps new.
Q: Polo shirt buttons. Buttoned to the top? Button the bottom one? Keep 'em all open? I'm thinking keep them open or button the bottom depending on how far down the shirt they go. What is MB polo shirt buttoning policy? --Jay
A: Buttoned to the top? Most definitely not. Too reminiscent of Ed Grimley (albeit in a woven) or certain toolbaggish PGA tour players. Otherwise, Jay, you've basically got it. The Official Magnificent Bastard Polo Shirt Buttoning Policy is as follows:
n - 2
Where n equals the number of buttons. A fully unbuttoned Lacoste polo (2 buttons) looks perfect. A fully unbuttoned J.Crew polo (3 buttons) looks a shade TTH, which is why it's displayed on their site in n-2.
Q: I am updating my room and I need to find some magnificent new bedding. Could you recommend any sites or places to shop? --Don
A: Of course. Any place you spend 8 hours sleeping and an additional 2-3 minutes for occasional extra-curricular activities needs to be fully MB-ed. Here are our recommendations:
Comforter: Overstock.com is the best place to find a comforter. Down, of course. Great selection and you can find exactly the size and warmth level you want.
Sheets (summer):High thread-count Tencel from Bed Bath & Beyond. This is made from the pulp of eucalyptus trees, and has a very pleasant "cool" feeling on a night when the A/C is on the fritz.
Sheets (winter): It will be here before you know it. High thread-count cotton from Target. People swear by this stuff and we're with 'em.
Q: Is it MB to wear a dark shirt (think black, navy blue, brown) and a tie with a suit? MB-in-training in crisis as I have a number of nice, dark shirts and don't feel right wearing em with suits and ties. --Moshe
A: Moshe, your instincts are strong. If you combine dark shirts with suits, the good news is that you are all but guaranteed to become a huge success in the entertainment industry. The bad news is on the left.
Q: Most of my slacks don't have pleats, but my dry cleaner still presses them with a center crease. I prefer no crease for a clean flat front, and instruct the dry cleaner to press "no crease" - but they can't get it right. Every time they press a pant I have them redone without the crease. Is my dry cleaner stuck in 1980 or do I need to adjust my no-crease look? --Moxie
A: Moxie, your style instincts are good, but we have doubts about your resolve. If your dry cleaner can coerce you into changing your style, what is going to happen when you have a wife?
We are strongly anti-crease in virtually all situations, and don't even consider buying pants unless we think we can get the crease out. You need to get your dry cleaner on the no-crease plan or find a new one who is completely fluent in English. They will be lazier than newly arrived immigrants looking to impress, and happy to keep your pants creaseless.
Q: Hi, really love the site and the advice. Unfortunately lots of things you advise or link to is for US only (e.g. J.Crew). Can you advise a good shopping website for a MB living in Europe? --Francesco
A: Francisco, thanks for placing your trust in us -- we are always happy to do our part to promote U.S. cultural imperialism, even if it's by way of clothes designed by Frenchmen and manufactured by the Chinese. Yoox.com ships anywhere.
Q: I'm in an upcoming wedding, and we're wearing pocket squares. Any suggestions on how to fold those suckers like an MB? --Mike
A: Mike, we've covered this before and stand by the advice given: apply Occam's Razor and keep it simple with either a one-point or flat fold. Even moreso for a wedding because those photographs have a way of lingering on mantles, walls, side tables, and Facebook -- and those two options have best stood the test of time.
Top: Ol' Blue Eyes with some youthful indiscretion.
Bottom: More mature Sinatra goes artfully disheveled, timeless.
Q: I used to carry my 15 inch laptop in a black leather John Varvatos shoulder bag (pictured) with an added padded sleeve for protection. However due to work reasons I moved up to the 17 inch laptop. The ugly stick smacks incredibly hard on the choices for what to carry around a 17 inch laptop around in, and I dislike wearing backpacks. Any suggestions of what may be acceptable. My only thought is that I may have to go back to the 15 inch laptop for my dignity. --Bruce
A: Bruce, you're answering your own question. (And, man, we love those types of questions. Ask us another!) The fact that you can't find a stylish bag for a 17" laptop, well, the universe is telling you something. Allow us to translate: The only people who regularly lug around 17-inch laptops are thieves stealing 17-inch laptops. They usually use a burlap sack. We recommend you stick with a 15-inch laptop or smaller, and regain your lost dignity. Not to mention, the bag you already own is fucking gorgeous.
Q: So, you're wearing the dangly tie, you've suddenly got a lot of bending over to do - potential interference with others involved... What is your position on tie-tucking? In the pocket? Into the shirt a couple of buttons down? Not at all?! --Mark
A: Either you're the most formal heart surgeon in the world (in which case we encourage you to opt for a more casual look that keeps your patients' aortas clear of highly infectious repp ties). Or you're nailing a co-worker, in which case we encourage you to tuck your tie in between two shirt buttons. You don't want to lose a nooner who doesn't even ask you to take your shirt off to a long-term disability claim.
'Lance, I bet you can't wait to get out there. See, you can break both ways. One guy can break right, one left simultaneous. What do you think of that?'
Q: What brand and model of sunglasses does Robert Duvall's character, Col. Kilgore, wear in Apocalypse Now? Searching for those for a while and can't figure them out. --Jason
A: We had a strong hunch they were Randolph Engineering aviators, and after contacting their marketing department yesterday, confirmed it. They're $99 and available here. But fair warning: these really work best for Col. and above.
(See previous post regarding Kilgore's slightly less-successful dogtag and bracelet accessorization.)
First, placement: you want to put them up past your elbows, like you're ready to give blood. Second, how you get there is crucial. A repetitive push-and-roll technique is required. As you turn the sleeve, simultaneously push it up your arm and repeat until it's past your elbow to achieve the perfect amount of artful dishevelment.
Q: Really enjoying your site. What's your view on facial hair? Specifically, the perpetual five o'clock shadow? I realize we are well past the days of Miami Vice, but I think you can be MB if you keep it neat (figuratively speaking) and pair it with an appropriate contrast (e.g. with a suit). --AP
A: AP, we see where you're going with the contrast idea, but consider this: the reason why Don Johnson never quite looked right is that he was otherwise so perfectly styled -- you can practically smell his cologne from this photograph -- that the five o'clock shadow looked affected. Any man who can find time for highlights can certainly find time to shave.
It works for Jason Statham, on the other hand, because it looks like he probably slept in those clothes, and reeks of cigarette smoke, bourbon, and possibly blood. Our recommendation: if you are absolutely nowhere near a razor blade for long enough to acquire stubble, then it's permitted (e.g. hostage situatons, elevator breakdowns, desert island plane wrecks.) Otherwise, shave or carry a big gun wherever you go, so it's clear you're not a gigolo.
Q: My husband is walking his sister down the aisle and the groom/groomsmen are wearing blackwatch plaid kilts. Not interested in the kilt thing, but what about a blackwatch plaid necktie with his black suit? Thanks. --Nicole
A: Nicole, your instincts are strong. That's the perfect nod to a tradition that's best left to real Scots.
Q: I have a problem. It's called small wrists. 40mm watches are too big, but 30-36mm are good. Everything you've suggested so far (Westcoastime, etc...) have watches that are way too big for me. Can you suggest something smaller for us skinnier folk? And under $400? --Alan J.
Q: My inner caveman has to ask: is it ever appropriate to wear clothing or accessories with animal-print patterns? --Pierlo
A: Roy is wearing gallons of hair gel, approximately $30,000 worth of unconvincing plastic surgery, and a couple of blinged-out crosses even MC Hammer would dismiss as tacky, and you know what? His jacket is still the worst thing in this picture. Which is all you need to know about wearing animal-print patterns. We do endorse wearing animals, however -- but not on your face, while they're still alive.
Q: I am the officiant of a wedding at the end of July, the ceremony will be held in the mountains at around 5pm, and I'm having a hard time deciding on a black or grey suit. Any quick suggestions? Also, shirt/tie color combinations would be very helpful. Thanks. --Mackenzie
A: As a regular attendee, we'd argue in favor of khaki. But since you're the guy reading the vows the objectives are:
A. to not overshadow the groom, and B. to not be mistaken for a priest
That leaves grey as our recommendation, with white shirt and neutral tie. Think Cary Grant in North by Northwest.
Q: Based on this link I'm pretty sure this proves that plaid shorts are post-peak. I've loved my plaid shorts from Penguin and the like for 3 or 4 years now but I think the style is over. What are alternatives for shorts in summer if Tommy Bahama has taken to plaid short production? --Bradley
Just like Eddie Van Halen's toolbaggish, sleep-inducing, fret-jerking in "Beat It" couldn't kill the guitar solo, Tommy Bahama can't kill plaid. Next season they'll be back to florals (bottom). Wear the Penguins and the like without fear.
Q: I'm a college kid that has recently started working. I need a bag that I can take to work that's small -- to carry stuff like my mp3 player, headphones, a sandwich, and my water bottle. For the past few months, I've been using the Briggs & Riley Map Bag (in black), here. Is this MB? I don't want a full size messenger or a briefcase because I'm not really carrying that much stuff. Suggestions?
A: A map bag? Are you planning an invasion?
This looks a little man-pursey to us, though you've chosen wisely from the Briggs & Riley collection. The rest of it has a fatal case of Tumi-itus. But why the bag in the first place? What MP3 player is so big it needs a bag? You can slip a small, cell phone-like device into the front pocket of your pants or the interior pocket of your blazer (the preferred MB method) and you're good to go. Carrying a sandwich around with you all day is a health hazard, a style faux pas, and technologically obsolete -- just make sure your device of choice has an app to find the nearest restaurant. And also an app to find the nearest drinking fountain.
Q: I really like the glasses Brad Pitt wears in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and was wondering if you knew where to get a pair of similar looking specs. --Michael
A: Pitt's character is wearing an old P3 wire frame (a.k.a. Marshwood). It was at peak popularity in the 1930s and 40s. All the big american frame companies had a version during that time (American Optical, Artcraft, Bausch & Lomb, Shuron), so you will easily be able to find them on eBay or your local antique store. Besides Benjamin Button, Lennon and Truman are among past prominent wearers of this style.
Q: I'm heading to Hawaii in a couple of weeks (for leisure) and I'm starting to think about what to bring. Keeping the luggage level to carry-on is a must, but I need to pack a hat. Where can I find something that could pack easily, but wouldn't look like I'm looking for the nearest trout stream? --Joe
A: Joe, you're really visiting Hawaii in July? Can you reschedule for January? Either way, a hat is a good idea and a brand we really like is Block Headwear. They really get the "classic with a twist" aesthetic we dig. Several of their spring/summer straw hats are crushable, like the Degas fedora. (And their tag can easily be removed.)
Q: Is there a MB way to carry one's lunch to work (retro tin lunchbox, insulated bag, brown bag, grocery bag, etc.)? Please enlighten me. --Bryan
A: If you are getting to work before lunch, you are working too hard. If in fact you are working that hard, at least treat yourself to a nice leisurely meal at a restaurant, with a waitress. If you can't afford a restaurant, then we suggest you bring your lunch to work in a bottle of Dewar's.
Q: So I've been searching for a pair of black shoes for around 2 months now. My initial thought was something between casual and dressy. I would like to have the flexibility to wear them with jeans or a pair of nice pants. Any MB help/recommendations would be great. --Chris
A: Chris, you obviously haven't been reading this site for 2 months because you'd know the answer to your footwear dilemma lies in Puma Sport Fashion. End of story. A few of us were in Dasslerversions (sockless, of course) at a wedding reception at the Pulaski (WI) American Legion on Saturday night and the feedback was universally positive.
Q: Here's the plan: my friends and I have rented out a house in Nosara, Costa Rica for a month. We will all be surfing. What style is appropriate for:
a) Pre surfing?
b) when surfing? (we are beginners)
c) post surfing?
We are all in our early to mid twenties (23-24 years old). Thanks a lot for any suggestions MB! --Eric
A: Eric, we think you're planning at least one too many costume changes -- you're going surfing, not performing in a Cher concert (she'll be at Ceasars in September). 5-7" inseam boardshorts are what's needed here for all three scenarios (see our swimsuit length graphic). Except for the apres surf we'd recommend pairing with a terrycloth cabana jacket or robe, just like what Paul Newman would do (pictured).
Q: No question, I just want to nominate Janko Tipsarevic for a Toolbag award. How one can manage to pollute tennis whites is beyond me, but this guy figured out how by adding the perfect toolbag sunglasses. I'm guessing they're Oakleys, but if not, they may as well be. --Jackie Treehorn
A: It is indeed difficult to turn the Wimbledon Whites into toolbag, though Rafa Nadal did it last year in the finals. Even the typically MB Roger Federer raised several of our eyebrows with his warmup vest in this year's first round. In between sets, does he moonlight as a waiter? We'll take a round of gin and tonics. Hendrick's.
Anyhow, like Nadal, Janko just has TB in him. Look at him at the French, with tank top and matching blades (bottom). And that tattoo, which we're pretty sure says "No fat chicks!" in kanji. Wimbledon's rules can only tamp the TB down. The good news: he's out after the 2nd round.
Q: I've recently updated my wardrobe for the summer but I'm missing a crucial piece: the Russian navy shirt (as seen on the J. Peterman website). $44 seems too much for just a shirt, so I was wondering if there were better deals on these shirts. Can you help me maintain the Magnificent Bastard look while maintaining the cheap bastard mindset? --Daniel
A: We agree $44 is too expensive for that shirt. In fact, we think $4 is too expensive. Unless you are a professional gondolier and can write it off.
If you need the nautical look, we recommend separating your blues and whites like JFK (pictured). If you're still wanting stripes, J.Crew has a couple of muchmore subtle, less costumey options, and they're cheaper too.
Q: What's you take on pocket watches? Are they MB approved or should I be looking for a new timepiece? --James
A: If you have a time machine and can go back to the 1800s, OK. Otherwise, they're too evocative of wallet chains. Or even worse, you might be mistaken for a Civil War reenactor.
Q: There is some toolbaggery going on here. Are those Crocs? --Kevin
A: To our eye, it looks like an animal died to make the President's sandals. (Thanks to Reuters photographer Mike Theiler for sensing where the real story was.) So, no, they're not Crocs, which are made entirely from anti-fungal fossil fuels. They do have a very Crocs-like sole, however, and we imagined they looked great on the golf course he was headed toward, if that golf course had a styrofoam castle on the 18th hole.
Q: I'm trying to find a casual everyday type watch to buy that I can just snap on with any outfit. I don't really know if I should go with a leather, steel, or nylon strap. I was looking for something affordable a college student in his 20s can wear. People told me to try out Nixon watches but sometimes I feel their watches are a little toolbaggy at times. Help! --Brian
A:
The Watch: Nixon often triestoohard, so choose wisely. We're fans of vintage, so do some poking around ebay or your local antique shops; you might find something cool. For new, our favorite watch shop is Howard Marx's Westcoastime*. He just got in 50 custom pieces of the Ollech & Wajs "Kartago." This is a fantastic Swiss-made watch that definitely meets your "snap on with any outfit" criterion. It's likely a little much for a college student's budget ($429.00), but unlike anything from Nixon, you'll enjoy it through graduation, marriage, kids, and likely beyond.
Q: I'm always looking to swap out my golf gear for better, more MB-ish accessories (simplify, simplify, simplify). I am currently looking for the best golf bag and towel. What is the stylish gear the leggy-model in your banner is carrying? --Your Supplicant, Kevin
A:
The Bag:The Original Mackenzie Walker. We guarantee this is the best golf bag you will ever own. It will also be the last golf bag you ever own. The only problem is that it's $735.00. But worth every penny, and probably a value if you consider you'll go through 4-5 ordinary bags in your lifetime.
The Towel: Available at every Ritz Carlton worldwide. Right next to the hand towels and washcloths. Anywhere from $179.00 to $3,700/night depending on room size and view. (Pictured: Ritz Carlton South Beach)
Q: Hey guys, love the site and what you're doing. I was wondering what your take on medical identification (i.e. bracelets, dog tags, and the like) was. I've been a type 1 diabetic for over nine years and have always refused to wear medical ID's because they tend to make people feel sorry for you ... and because most of the ones that I've seen, look ridiculous. However, recent events have brought to light the necessity of wearing a medical ID and I can thus no longer ignore the issue. What type of medical ID would say "hell yea I have diabetes, what about it?", while still maintaining the fashion style of an MB? --Iain
A: Here are the options as we see them:
Option A: Wear a necklace. They are barely visible 95% of the time and will indicate your medical need when necessary. If you're like us and can't stand things hanging from your neck, then...
Option B:This stainless bracelet (top) is $14.00 and is better-looking than any medical ID accessory we've seen.
Option C: If you are feeling flush, with the help of Tiffany you could make a one-of-a kind piece to last a lifetime. Buy a Tiffany 1837 I.D. bracelet (bottom) and work with their customer service -- and they are all about customer service -- to get the custom engraving your body needs.
I'm 5'10" 140 lbs. with a semi-athletic build. What is the best kind of jeans, shirt, hoodie and possibly hat to go for a hipster look? --Patrick
A: Hat and hoodie? Do you have two heads? Because if so, 140 lbs. is really skinny.
Even if you've got just one head, we're not sure why you're wanting to go for this look. However, if you insist: spend $150 at Urban Outfitters, donate your razor blades to hairy orphans in Malawi, and you're there.
Q: I recently noticed Phil Mickelson wearing golf shirts with shorter than standard short sleeves. As a guy with short muscular arms I would love to get shirts with these extra short sleeves. Where does he get them or are they made special for him? --Ron
A: Phil Mickelson has a large endorsement deal with Callaway, so it's a very safe bet they make his shirts. And, being the #2 player in the world, he can get Callaway to make anything he wants. (Though someone at Callaway should have the courage to tell Phil to add a little material around the torso. It's looking increasingly sausage-like, with a side of manboobs.)
Anyhow, we strongly endorse shorter sleeves on polos, especially if you have pipes worthy of display. The sleeve length on many of today's golf shirts, one can't tell if they're short long-sleeves or long short-sleeves (see John Daly at last week's St. Jude Classic). But don't make this a big concern. You can have your golf shirt sleeves shortened to taste by a tailor for $10-$15. And if you're cursed with Mickelson's waistline, try to find a tailor who moonlights as a plastic surgeon.
Q: Is there any way a tattoo can be MB-approved if it is done for the sake of irony? A friend of mine, who for the most part has the MB style going on, just got a tattoo of a pirate ship on his chest. --Leroy
A: Leroy, does your friend know that tattoos are permanent? Irony is best left to things that can be changed or shaved, like t-shirts or facial hair, although an ironic "Mom" tattoo on either bicep would be acceptable.
Q: Are track jackets still Mag-Bastardly? Or, have they been relegated to soccer hoodlums and clearance sales on Rockstar? By the way, I'm referring to the classics- Fred Perry, Adidas, etc. that are worn during appropriate, casual times (i.e. not your "going out" jacket). --ARP
A: Track jackets hit peak popularity a few years ago, with every designer and their uncle doing a version. We've definitely noticed a drop-off in our own track jacket wearing over the past 4-5 years, but the classics like Adidas Originals or Fila verge on timeless.
Q: I stumbled upon your site about a month ago and have checked it every day since. I see that you are high on Panerai watches, but also say that you think the maximum size watch an MB should wear is 40 mm. I have a Panerai which it 44 mm and I think that is the smallest watch they make. So I'm confused do you like Panerai watches or are they too big? I think it is perfect. Thanks. --Joe
A: We like Panerai and no, they're not too big. The Luminor GMT PAM 00244 is 40MM as are several other new models. Older 40MM models like the gorgeous PAM00159 (pictured) and PAM00160 are also available on eBay and and other web shops.
If you think it's perfect, chances are you've got thick, Popeye-like forearms. In that case, 44MM is in proportion. For normal landlubbers a 44MM watch can look like you've glued a minute hand on a dinner plate.
Q: I'm a freshman in college, about to enter my sophomore year, and I've just started reading MB, but I do consider myself rather stylish on an unemployed college student's budget. What's an MBs stance on collared shirt under a sweater with both of the sleeves rolled up over jeans? And do you have any other general tips to get that artfully disheveled look to truly shine? Thanks. --Mike
A: Mike, you're young and a still a little wet behind the ears, so we'll go easy. This look can be categorized as TTH (Trying Too Hard). Artful dishevelment is indeed calculated, but ends up looking like you didn't try at all. This looks like you tried; not to mention it's also going to stretch the shit out of your sweater sleeves. It's only OK if you're involved in an emergency birth.
Q: Sorry for the short notice, but I need help. I'm traveling to Italy this Friday and my girlfriend, who has already been there for a few weeks, emailed me to warn that I should "bring your MB best." I prefer to travel very light, but am going to be there for two weeks. What are some bastardly standards I should consider when packing? Specifically, essentials I should have that will travel well, how many of what items, and what/how many shoes? Thanks, and keep up the exceptional work. --Harith
A: Certainly the objective is to get everything to fit into a 21" roller and a shoulder bag, and if that means going commando for a while, it beats checking luggage. With that in mind, here are the ingredients you need:
3
Pair of shoes. 1 leather sandal or loafer, 1 Puma sport fashion, 1 pair of flip-flops (for the beach and pool).
3-4Â Â
Knit shirts and t-shirts. No logos, and for Pete's sake, no legibility.
3
Pair of jeans. 2 blue, one white.
2
Pair of shorts. But be sure not to wear these while strolling during passeggiata. That's a pants deal.
3-4
Long-sleeve or short-sleeve woven shirts. Keep it casual.
2
Pair of your most killer socks. (However, most of the time you can go sockless.)
1
Casual blazer.
1
Summer-weight, fine-gauge cashmere sweater.
For the flight
Wear your most comfortable pair of jeans and the blazer (and the sweater too if the bags are full).
Something else to remember
You are in the global center of fashion and apparel. Forget the recession for a couple of weeks and buy! Even the smallest towns have some of the best menswear on the planet.
Q: I have to go to an all white event (Bar Mitzvah). I have a white linen shirt and white linen pants. Can I wear both or do I need another top. And if the answer is yes, do I need a blazer or sweater? --Kevin
A: Kevin, it would seem you haven't seen our bit on linen. It's trouble, and can turn a fella into a total mess within seconds. We've seen it happen. But when life gives you lemons, we say make lemonade (or at least some really outstanding lemon twists). Second, nobody wears white-on-white, except hospital orderlies and Mr. Clean (inset). So the objective is to break up the white with a shade of white, either in a different shirt, a sweater, or blazer. Take a look at this picture from the DKNY collection at Bloomingdale's, then ask the host if you can go as a bed.
Q: I have recently decided to do a full overhaul of my old and worn-out wardrobe and go all-out to become a certified MB (I have already started by purchasing a J.Fold V12 black/brown wallet). The journey is long, but with your help I think it's possible. Today my I find myself torn over sunglasses, and I have a few questions for you.
The first question is on lens color. Back in 2001 or so I had a pair of Oakley with a reflective, metallic-blue lens coating. Looking back on it, I wonder if (brand aside) they were a rather toolbaggy thing to buy (my only excuse being that I was 16 at the time). Although I am not considering going that path again, I wonder -- is it ever acceptable for an MB to wear any color other than black/tan lenses or do the other colors (ie. red, blue, green) not conform to the principle of understatement?
The second question is hopefully simple. I know you have already quite reluctantly defined a few lightweight sunglasses (i.e. Serengeti Vedi, Rudy Project Murphy, Maui Jim Kailua and, yes, even Oakley Nanowires) as acceptable for use while performing activities such as jogging. Is it acceptable to don those types of eyewear for everyday use or are they strictly application specific like most activewear? With my facial structure I find "fashion" sunglasses tend to look odd and I would rather continue without than pay for prescription sunglasses just so I can look like a TB whenever the sun is shining. --Adam
A: First of all, we'll cut you a little slack for the metallic-blue reflector Oakleys. You were only 16, preoccupied with acne, masturbation, and trying to find a prom date. Sunglass lens color was not a top priority at the time.
You've sort of answered Part I: The classic sunglass lens colors -- grey (some people call this black), brown, bottle green and grey/green (aka G15) -- are a good way to go for everyday use. They're cosmetically acceptable and functionally have endured the test of time. Here's an excerpt from eyetopics.com on the various functions of lens colors:
Gray
Gray sunglass lenses reduce light intensity without altering the color of objects. Thus, they provide the most natural color vision. Gray is the most popular sunglass lens color in the United States.
Brown
Brown lenses enhance contrast by blocking a larger percentage of blue light than gray lenses do. Brown lenses provide a warmer appearance to colors and make greens more vibrant.
Green
Green sunglass lenses provide a cool, soothing tone to colors. Though not as popular as gray or brown lenses, green lenses are often used to create the classic look of aviator-style sunglasses (Ed. note: "Green" today is actually grey/green or G15. You may want to consider bottle green popular during the 1950s/60s).
Amber
Amber sunglass lenses block all or nearly all blue light for superior contrast. Amber-colored lenses are frequently referred to as "blue blocker" lenses or "shooter's sunglasses." (Amber-colored lenses are popular among hunters because they provide enhanced contrast when looking at birds and clay targets against the sky.) Though these lenses enhance contrast, they also distort colors and may not be suitable for driving and other activities that require accurate color recognition.
Pink, Orange, Rose and Blue
These and other vibrant colors are available for fashion sunglasses. These lens colors can cause severe color distortion and are unsuitable for driving and other tasks when color recognition is important.
Now for Part II: Don't you usually change out of your New Balance running shoes before going to dinner? There are better understated sunglass choices for everyday use than sport shades. If TTH (Trying Too Hard) fashion sunglasses make you feel self-conscious (and hopefully they do), try classic, ophthalmic styles from mid-20th Century (see our sunglasses channel for examples). Too often, guys today, even well-dressed guys, have only one pair of sunglasses or several pairs of sports sunglasses. Ironically, when men get dressed, they make sure their outfit works together and is appropriate for whatever function they're attending. Then they put on our only pair of sunglasses and get into the only car they own (or lease) -- the two weak links in how most men are showing up.
Q: Hey MB. What sunglasses is the baby wearing in The Hangover? --Rich
A: It appears both the baby and the co-star Zack Galifianakis are wearing the BluBlocker Demi Tortoise Nylon frame, which, at just $14.95 seems like one hell of a value in spite of logos on the temples. Lose 'em, sit on 'em, ain't no big deal. Recommended.
Q: Help me settle an argument: If you tuck in your shirt while wearing jeans should you wear a belt? My position is that you should always wear a belt when you tuck something in. --Eric
A: We hope you don't have too large of a wager, because it's certainly OK to forego the belt with jeans when you tuck. 9 out of 10 times we'll wear a belt for either accessorization or pant-holding-up purposes (actual function). However with the right denim or right shirt, feel free to leave the belt in your closet.
Q: As a recent college graduate, and as a Staples Center suite ticket owner, what is appropriate attire for Lakers games? I know a jersey and jeans just wont cut it. Thanks for your help! --Chris
A: A recent college graduate and Staples Center suite owner? Pace yourself, Chris. You don't want to peak too early.
Anyhow, a jersey and jeans is indeed out. Just have a look at Joel Madden and this other jersey and foam-finger wearing fella (top). Don't be that guy. For the celebrity set there's an ongoing competition to see who can most successfully affect the just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-showed-up-at-Lakers-game look. Jack Black, we declare you the winner. In spite of the unfortunate fact that your team's primary color is purple, we recommend trying to look like a fan without trying too hard, like David Beckham in this barely-purple fine-knit crewneck sweater (-tie).
Game 1 on Thursday, Chris, and we'll be there in spirit. In reality, we'll be in Pulaski, WI.
Q: What is the MB stance on drinking beer on the golf course? I like beer as much as the next guy and have been known to enjoy a beer during a round. But I turned a buddy down during a recent round when he asked if I wanted one. Aside from any possible negative effects on my score, the reason was that I realized that about 95% of the people I see drinking beer on the course exhibit all the symptoms of a toolbag (cargo shorts, untucked shirts, Oakleys, taking way too long, etc.). So I came to the conclusion that, while drinking beer while playing may not be inherently toolbag, it becomes toolbag by association.
So what says the MB? Is drinking beer on the course ever acceptable? If not, is there an acceptable alternative alcoholic beverage? --Brett
A: Brett, you started off by asking a question, and then, after some toolbag observation and deductive reasoning, answered it on your own, correctly. Well done. As for Part 2 of your question, we never drink on the golf course as it negatively affects performance, again, as you observe. However, once we putt out on 18 it's a stampede to the bar that's sometimes a potentially life-threatening The Who-like experience.
Q: I'm an avid reader... and have to say... you're starting to read my mind. Last night, my wife and I were watching TV -- and saw the belt bug spray fan-thing. I said, I bet the MB would NOT approve of that. She agreed and said it looks like a flea collar. Now, less than 12 hours later, you post something on it. You da man.
Now here's a situation that you're sure to agree with me. I bought these shoes. They have the feel of Crocs (though, I must say I have NEVER owned a pair.) I plan to wear them to the pool, at the beach and when we go whitewater rafting. But the other day, I saw someone wear a pair to the movies. When will toolbags learn? --John
A: John, we may need to graduate you to full-on Vulcan mind-meld. The fact that you mentioned Crocs in the same breath as a recent footwear purchase should set off alarm bells. Do you still have the receipt?
We're strongly opposed to this entire genre of footwear, whether it be Crocs, Keen, or Teva. These are for the fleece and granola set, where MBs are as rare as a dodo bird.
Incidentally, for the rafting we recommend an old pair of Jack Purcells. They work great and look amazing.
Q: I'm in the market for a new watch. But other than following the comformity of society, I want to go my own direction. I want a time piece that will be a conversation piece. I found on the web these Eduardo Milieris Watchcraft watches. Can this be the answer I am looking for? --Nate
A: If you want to look like the most punctual Roman slave ever, we say buy one.
Q: I read your article about shorts at night and wanted present a more specific scenario. You said, "Wearing shorts after dark is strictly for college boys and parking valets." However, I live on an island (Galveston, TX) where local culture seems to allow shorts at any time and nearly any place. Would shorts after dark be MB-approved in this situation? --Justin
A: Sure, you can wear shorts after dark in Galveston, but only if you're planning to make an appearance on COPS. If you are, we also recommend ditching your shirt and your teeth too, to complete the outfit. If a COPS cameo is not in the cards, get to know lightweight denim like this AG version; they will change the way you think about jeans. Just don't pair with those boots.
Q: OK, so linen is out, and I understand that. But what about this chino suit at Banana Republic? It's 65% Cotton, 35% Linen. Thanks. This is kind of an emergency because I've got a wedding to go to this weekend and it could be very hot. Other options? --Nick
A: Online shopping is out given the urgency, which is too bad because YOOX always has something worth trying out. Anyhow, you can do a lot worse than that Banana suit, and the 65% cotton will keep it from looking like you slept in it. A couple of recommended edits and suggestions:
1. Have your cleaner take out the creases. We don't endorse creases, especially on a casual suit like this.
2. Do not pair with penny loafers as pictured. Check our shoes channel for all kinds of better options.
Q: As the summer and thus the warm weather approach I find myself breaking out the summer clothes again. However, I also find myself in need of a wardrobe update. I've got the footwear and shorts down, thanks to your Magnificently Bastard-like advice, but the issue of what should cover my torso perplexes me. I know that, unless playing golf, polo shirts announce to everyone that I'm a toolbag and that they should ask me if they need a hammer or a wrench. I also completely agree that "graphic Ts" are out of the question which leaves me with the question: What casual shirts does a magnificent bastard wear in warm weather? --Braden
A: First of all, leave the jokes to us. Second, yes, graphic Ts are beyond outgoing but a cool polo is timeless. Avoid the mock turtleneck at all costs. (You listenin' Tiger Woods?) A woven long sleeve with pants and rolled sleeves works, and designer Michael Bastian demonstrated this can work with shorts as well. This season nearly every designer is showing a short-sleeve woven, and while they're generally not NASA scientist style (shown here in paper Spock ears in 1967), the degree of difficulty of pulling off this look is high and requires the right physique. Finally, nothing beats a plain ol' grey or white T. Calvin Klein used to make "the best t-shirt ever" but no more and we're trying to find a replacement, or just make it ourselves. Stay tuned.
Q: My brother-in-law is all over Cordarounds. I'm not so sure. Your thoughts? --Jim
A: Horizontal corduroy pants! The world's been needing this for a while now.
While that's a little gimmicky, and their smoking jacket has skull hardware (inset), for just $55 they sell a pair of pants from a print of the Virgin Mary (guitar not included). When you throw this much stuff against the wall, some of it is bound to stick.
At least they have resisted the urge to reinvent the vertical fly.
Q: I know that the "sun never sets on cool" but I think men who wear sunglasses inside are not MBs, no? So wear does an MB place his sun spectacles while indoors or elsewhere? --Robert
A: Robert, your instincts on the un-MBness of wearing sunglasses indoors are strong. Comedian Larry David put it best: "You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes." We've covered sunglass placement very extensively before, but perhaps too extensively. It could just be boiled down to: "Don't look like Mystery from The Pickup Artist."
Q: Two simple, related questions that you may have already answered:
1. Grey suit, white shirt, navy blue tie. What color shoes?
2. Navy blue suit. What color shoes?
Your answer will settle a family feud. --Ben
A: Ben, unfortunately we won't be able to settle the family feud. Between the two of you, you're right. Either black or brown shoes are perfectly acceptable in both of these scenarios. Our guess is what's throwing one of you off is the navy + brown combo. Maybe granddad only paired navy with black, but navy with brown looks great and is one small way to stand apart.
Q: Well I went looking for the Dassler Kapitans (from the post on April 27, 2009) at Puma's site and they only have one size...for people with very small feet. Guess I missed the window on those. Any suggestions for a comparable alternative? Also, what is the shoe the MB has on in the current header, out of curiosity? --Gregory
A: Too bad on the Kapitans. There are a couple pair in larger sizes available on ebay for only $83.11, but in a lighter brown. Also, keep your eyes open on store.puma.com because they do restock.
For a substitute, take a look at the Roma Re-Luxe which is available in many sizes at Zappos. We've probably said this before, but Puma is redefining men's footwear, and we're totally on board. Now men just need more things to wear these with besides denim.
Regarding the golf shoes the MB is wearing in the header photo, they're Adidas "modo Delmar," and are widely unavailable. One thing we've learned about Adidas golf shoes, if you find a pair you like, buy a half-dozen of them because they will be completely gone the following season.
Men's sandals. Apart from the pedicure issue and disqualification of Crocs, can you recommend a pair of that I can use on my sailboat getting to the beach, use to get to the beach from the boat (involves getting wet), walking on the beach to the overpriced but decent Sunset Beach Hotel in the Hamptons, wear in the casual-but-hip outdoor restaurant/bar and after several cocktails, wear getting back to the boat (involves getting wet again). I do not want to carry three pairs of shoes on the boat as I am often on trips of a week or so and want to travel light.
Thanks again and keep the advise coming. --Brian
A: Whew! These Hamptons trips sound like a lot of work!
This question kind of reminds us of the recent "shoes for workout and for work" question. It's not easy to find one pair of sandals to handle all these situations, but the Reef "Smoothy" is our recommendation. They work for us in nearby Door County, WI. They can handle the water, their thick padding is comfy and can handle all the walking, and the embroidered strap handles the style situations. Just be sure to carefully remove the logo with a sharp razor or scissors.
Q: Hey Magnificent Bastards -- What is the MB protocol on cowboy boots? --Evan in Maine
A: A very timely question, Evan. Last Thursday the Wall Street Journal's feature on Design Within Reach contained a picture of CEO Ray Brunner, who appeared to have grabbed whatever was within arm's reach for the photo shoot: an ill-fitting blazer and repp tie matched with cowboy boots and his age and body type looks totally ridiculous. In other words, you need the right "look" to successfully pull a pair of these off. Or on. Match yours with the five guys below to see where you fit.
Q: So I have to attend this (outdoor charity) event for Mother's Day with my wife and son (2 yrs) where your entry ticket is this gaudy t-shirt that violates every known MB principle: logos, legibility, ugly, etc. My question is: since I have to wear this (I have to attend), is there any way to salvage it? Should I wear the rest of the ensemble as if I was wearing some other MB-approved shirt? Or would that just look too stupid (i.e. too much of a clash between MB-ness and clear toolbaggery) and should I just throw in the towel and just toolbag this all the way? Sorry for the short notice but I was just informed yesterday, and Mother's Day is just a few days away! --Rob
A: Rob, your mother probably once told you: Two wrongs do not make a right. Don't cave and go full-on toolbag. Even the ugliest event t-shirt can be mitigated and possibly overcome with the right ensemble. Since you are going to be very unformfortable on top, get very comfortable on the bottom with your go-to denim and sneakers (or sandals, if you've recently had a pedicure). Even if monsoons are predicted, add some vintage sunglasses to the look. They can block toolbaggery almost as well as UV rays, and will provide cover for pained facial expressions.
Of course, even with these tactics, you won't be able to forget the fact that you're wearing the shirt -- because you'll be surrounded by it -- so we also advise that you get drunk as quickly as possible. Skip the beer and go straight to the hard stuff.
Q: Can you believe some guy would actually wear these? --Jessica
A: Jessica, this is kind of a good news-bad news scenario.
The Good News: These are PJ's so the man will likely be seen only by immediate family members and perhaps the newspaper boy.
The Bad News: Hannah Andersson requires the man to send in his testicles with each purchase, which might explain why Sweden's fertility rate has declined so dramatically in the last 20 years.
Q: We're in the middle of about a week straight of nothing but rain here in the Mid Atlantic, which got me thinking: What does the MB wear to keep his feet dry when he must venture out in wet weather? Women seem to be resorting to the Wellington but so far that trend does not seem to be making inroads among men. My grandfather used to wear galoshes but I haven't seen anyone wearing those either. In my Gore-Tex hiking boots I feel like a refugee from the mid 90s, when dressing as if one were on an Everest expedition was popular even if one were only going to the grocery store. There must be at least one fashionable option? --Mark
A: Short wellies (like these from J.Crew) are MB approved, but they're really only necessary for weather systems with a name. Something with a name that makes the national news and maybe kills a few people, go ahead and upgrade to the full-height version. For anything else, like a little rain, get into something rubber-soled like these Prada Novo boots. We've suggested them before -- they were featured in a header pic from 2008 -- and stand by them in spite of the price. Some staffers have had these for over a decade, so they deliver value, and are cool as shit to boot.
Q: Darling, you have cracked the door, so forgive me if I wedge my foot and possibly my shoulder in and ask (rather breathlessly): What about skinny pants for women? --Nancy Drew
(Ed. note: "Nancy Drew" is an amateur chick detective who's been trying to find out who's behind this site for, like, nearly two years.)
A: Nancy, in the women's case it's a simple matter of geometry. We call it the "Ass to Ankle Angle" or AAA (try saying that 3 times fast). Simply have someone take a picture of you naked with your feet together and then calculate the angle from your ass to your ankle. If your angle is 5° or smaller, you may wear skinny pants. As you can see, the nude in Peter Paul Rubens' "The Three Graces" is at 10°, and she clearly ain't even close.
A: We say "Yea," and we've said it before. But upon reflection, proper accessorization is really key to making the look function. Do it like the guy on the top, not so much like the guy on the bottom:
Top:
* horn-rimmed glasses
* cigarette dangling at artfully disheveled angle, long ash
* sleeves messily rolled past elbows
* Rolleiflex camera
Bottom:
* logos
* flag pin
* WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) bracelet
* team consistently overrated and regularly blown out of national championship games
Q: What kind of surgical mask does the MB recommend for the coming swine flu pandemic? --Bob
A: For this kind of, uh, "in your face" accessory, simple and understated is strongly recommended. And, white or light blue go with just about anything. Please, no pig noses. This is a good opportunity for designer surgical masks, like this MB prototype, inspired by British designer Paul Smith.
Q: I agree with the no t-shirts and sport coats philosophy, but what about sport coats and polo shirts? I have seen some people doing it, but I'm still not sure what to think about the look yet.
Thank you for this site, you are helping me become a better person. --Tom C.
A: We're OK with it during the same timeframe as white jeans. If, however, you can handle your nerves on Sunday at the Masters, you have permission all year round.
From top:
* Doug Ford and Arnold Palmer (1958)
* Tom Watson and Gary Player (1978)
* Bernhard Langer and Jack Nicklaus (1986)
* Vijay Singh and Tiger Woods (2001)
Q: Are there any shoes you can think of that I can wear at the gym and with a suit? --Nicholas
A: We've been thinking about this a lot lately so we're glad you asked. While no single shoe will simultaneously work for an AM 5K and a PM meeting with the CEO, Puma is the closest to cracking the code if, say, it's your lifting and not your cardio day. Their Black Label line, the Alexander McQueen collaboration, and some of the Rudolf Dassler stuff can do double duty, depending on the suit. (Again, we're working on one.)
Q: Is it ever OK to wear off-white sneakers? I recently procured a pair of Pumas online and now that I'm looking at the color I'm seriously questioning my decision. Nothing seems to look quite right with them. --Joe
A: Put. The Dockers. Down.
Joe, say it's so: you got into a pair of the new Sport Fashion Roma Re-Luxe, from Puma Black Label (available at Zappos). Of course khakis are a no-no with this shoe, but denim is a sure thing, and pairing these with white jeans or trousers would look très MB. Give 'em another try.
Q: What's your take on slim fit pants that hug the legs and ankles? Are they only acceptable on 150 pound male models? --Todd
A: We have been consistently anti-skinny since this site launched almost two years ago. But it can work in certain situations, like the ones defined by our accompanying skinny pant flow chart. See if you qualify to wear this look.
Q: In your recent post on spring footwear, you apparently diss square-toed Kenneth Coles. Then I looked at the STKCs on my feet and said, "Damn! I'm not as business casual as I thought I was." Please elaborate on this thought. Can STKCs ever be magnificent? Are the just too casual to be "business casual?" Or too formal? And how square is square? --Marc-Ange
A: Let's get one thing straight, Marc-Ange. We did not "apparently diss" square-toed Kenneth Coles. If square-toed Kenneth Coles are Somali pirates, we're the U.S. Navy. No, they can never be Magnificent or Bastardly or any other adjective/adverb worth a damn. For further information and new footwear purchasing guidance, please consult our Shoe Toe Pointiness Chart.
Q: You have previously mentioned a drink named the Sheboygan. As a fellow Wisconsinite and someone who can properly pronounce the eponymous city's name, I would like to know how you make it. Any cocktails you might recommend for an upcoming summer spent on a sailboat or at the waterfront would also be appreciated. --Brian
A: Though the MB usually enjoys a slightly wet, gin martini, he sometimes finds himself out of gin (poor planning, boy) or at a gathering of friends from the South. Of course, South from our offices in Pulaski, WI might only mean as far as Sheboygan, home of America's best bratwurst. This version of a vodka martini gives tribute to Sheboygan, WI, where they might say that one of these makes a good appetizer, two a meal.
The Sheboygan
* 4 parts vodka
* 1 part dry vermouth
* dash of orange bitters
* garnish of a cornichon, slice of grilled bratwurst, and pearl onion placed in that order, for top to bottom, on a toothpick
Place garnish into a chilled martini glass. Gently shake (think waltz, not polka) the vodka, vermouth and orange bitters with ice; pour over the garnish.
A couple of keys to ensure this drink is at its best. First, use a high quality, authentic bratwurst from Sheboygan. You can experiment with other sausages, but we do not guarantee success using a substitute: garbage in, garbage out.
It's best to use a warm bratwurst to give the fullest flavor. If it's not fresh off the grill, microwave for 15 seconds to perk it up. Also, make sure you pour the martini over the garnish so you get the drink a little oily, just how the MB likes his ... cocktails.
Finally, for whatever reason, this version of a martini tastes best using potato vodka. We use Chopin. This may be due to our Sheboygan friends being classic "meat and potato" kind of people. Whatever vodka you choose, make sure it's worthy of the MB, and more importantly, the quality bratwurst.
Q: Although I wore Thom Browne long before it was available anywhere but Bergdorf Goodman and kind of liked it primarily for the quality and nerdyness, I have recently come to the conclusion that it is kind of "The Emperor's New Clothes." What do you think? --Mark
A: (Ed. note: This question was sent in January, 2009.)
Either it's the Emperor's New Clothes or the Emperor's Flood Pants. Either way, we've never gotten Thom Browne, and perhaps we'll never get Thom Browne, since rumors of his impending bankruptcy surfaced last month (later denied). Maybe we're dumb (or blind), but we don't see a point of view or story to his work, only a gimmick. One thing we think is a very, very safe bet, Mark: If you've been photographed in a Thom Browne suit you're not gonna want to see that pic in 10 years.
Q: I'm new to the official MB philosophy (though not my own unofficial one), having only recently discovered this site. I could use your insight into a matter I face. I plan to attend the Kentucky Derby this year. What is the best way to dress for this occasion? Can I go the MB Gregory Peck route and wear a seersucker suit or has this look be taken over by too many toolbags in recent years? Also, is the boaters straw hat TTH or just too barber shop quartet? --Jon
A: Jon, welcome aboard. "Classic with a twist" is our general aesthetic philosophy, and in the case of something like a 135 year-old horse race in a slave state, a fair amount of middle-finger-fully-extended irreverence is definitely in order. Go for the seersucker, but make sure it's excessively rumpled, like you weren't sure there was a race that day and had to pull it out of the back of your closet last-minute. Instead of the traditional white bucks, go with the white Chucks. And when you order a mint julep, have the bartender make it a double and hold the mint, sugar, water, and ice.
Regarding the boaters straw hat, wear it only if you're bald or can harmonize like a motherfucker, or both.
(The 135th running of the Kentucky Derby is on Saturday, May 2, 2009.)
Q: What does MB have to say about wearing a suit without a belt? Assuming one has the physique to pull it off, how age- and office-appropriate is it? I'm 49 and in better shape than men half my age. And, I work in a conservative office environment. My intuition tells me 'no way' but I'm looking for one small thing to set me apart from the rest of the suits. Thanks for a useful and witty website. --Dino
A: There is no rule that says you have to wear a belt with a suit, even in a conservative office environment. If your pants are hook-and-bar (top) a belt is wrong; if they're a traditional button closure (bottom) beltless still works great.
To set yourself apart from the rest of the suits, try a different suit. (One of our staffers is developing one that will be ready for fall.)
A: Lisa, please check the map for the inverse blast radius acceptability of Birkenstocks. Eugene, OR is ground zero. Anything outside the yellow zone is red (where they're not OK).
Q: Spring is nearly upon us and, as a man of comfort and style, I want to enjoy some suede loafers / boat shoes from time to time. However, I'm not sure if they're really "business casual." Please advise. --Davis
We oppose any hard and fast rules on acceptable "business casual" footwear. We wear tennies with a twist and HR has not been in contact. Suede loafers easily qualify in most cases, and although "boat shoes" get you word-associating "Sperry topsiders," check the Neiman Marcus collection of boat shoes for spring. Most of these are sure as hell more "business casual"-appropriate than a co-worker in square-toed Kenneth Coles.
Q: Dear MB-- My husband has taken up bicycling as his new fitness routine/hobby. I am distressed every time I see him ride off in his bicycling gear, covered with more endorsements than a NASCAR vehicle. What do you suggest? --Mrs. M.
A: The good news, Mrs. M, is that whatever logo-clad clown suit your husband is frightening the neighborhood children with, it could probably be worse.
The bad news is that if you're doing it right, you can't help but violate key MB principles when wearing cycling attire -- at least if you plan to break 25mph on occasion. To maximize aerodynamics and minimize chafing, cycling clothes are supposed to be obscenely tight-fitting. To maximize visibility and minimize the chance of decorating some texting soccer mom's hood, they're supposed to be garishly bright.
The really bad news is that tight-fitting, garish, but still relatively tasteful gear is easy to find -- so if your husband's peddling around town looking like a graphic designer's resume, it's because he wants to.
To wean him gently from this bad habit, we recommend this Salvarani replica, in 100% merino wool. While we don't care much for even the tiniest logos, never mind ones that can be seen from 100 yards, any logo that requires a $250,000 sewing machine to make is OK in our book.
From one's waist to one's ankles, only solid black is allowed. For a final touch, treat your husband to a pair of Dromarti Sportivos. Five minutes in these handmade Italian beauties, and he will never feel the urge to wear anything featuring a dye-sublimated logo again.
Q: Spring is here, and I am anxious to leave the miserable winter of 2008-09 behind. But on to more pressing questions. Your cocktail guide for the fall/winter got me through many a winter doldrum. What about spring/summer? Is it just gin & tonic until the leaves change? --Ed
A: For some, the swallows returning to Capistrano mark the inevitable return of spring. As we look out the windows of our Pulaski, WI offices, we're reintroduced to spring by the return our city's only street sweeper, the Elgin #1 (pictured). The MB should take note of this and realize it's time to clean out your cabinet of the brown liquors of winter, save perhaps a bottle of scotch for your seasonally resilient Rob Roy, as you move from brown to clear liquors. We don't endorse the temptation to throw your dead soldiers into the streets to be swept up.
The most efficient and straightforward strategy to begin your journey is through Manhattanization: mixing any appropriate brown liquor, with a shot or so of vermouth (sweet, dry, or a mix of the two to go perfect), and a dash of bitters. It works for bourbon, scotch, rye whisky, or brandy.
Given the urgency, you may need to introduce a more aggressive approach to ensure you get through your stock of brown liquors before it's time for the clear ones. If this "problem" presents itself, you just need to take adjust your recipe while recalling one of the strangest words from your high school science class: meniscus.
Fill a lowball glass with ice, pour the brown liquor you're trying to polish off to just below the top of glass. Remember, the meniscus will make it appear to be slightly higher at the edge of the glass than in the middle. You need to leave just enough room for that splash of vermouth.
If you have any straight rye whisky, we also strongly suggest mixing up a Sazerac to give yourself some variety during this spring cleaning. Here's the simple, MB endorsed recipe:
Sazerac
3 shots Rye Whisky (or to taste)
1 sugar cube
Peychaud's Bitters
quarter shot of Absinthe
lemon twist
Soak the sugar cube with the bitters and place in the bottom of a highball glass. Mash with the back of a spoon (or muddler, which we hope has not been used to make a Mojito), add the rye whisky and fill the glass with ice. Stir for about 30 seconds and then strain into another lowball glass that has been rinsed with Absinthe and filled about halfway with ice. Garnish with a lemon twist.
By early May, you may be tiring of this duty, so the MB allows himself for one day, and only one day, to enjoy a Margarita. Thanks to the blender (or liquidizer for our UK friends), this perfectly acceptable cocktail has far too often been associated with frothy spills on countertops, enormous glasses, and crappy salsa. So, on Cinco de Mayo, the MB may have a Margarita. And since you're only allowed one per year, you might as well do it up right.
MB Endorsed Margarita
2 parts Tequila (must be 100% agave, blanco is fine)
1 part Cointreau
1 part fresh lime juice
Shake all the ingredients and pour into a martini glass, rimmed very lightly with salt.
If you've paced yourself well, as the weather heats up you should have more than a few occasions to enjoy the drink that marks the pinnacle of summer cocktailing: the gin and tonic. Before reaching the summit, though, consider the MB version of the Southside. We've left out the mint to embrace more of a pure lemon experience, and more importantly, to avoid any confusion with the ubiquitous and clearly not MB-endorsed Mojito. Think of it as lemonade for adults.
MB Bastardized Southside
2 parts gin
1 part fresh lemon juice
1 sugar cube (or half teaspoon simple sugar)
Soda water (if desired)
Place the sugar cube at the bottom of a lowball glass, add the fresh lemon juice, and mash with the back of a spoon. Fill two-thirds with ice and the gin and stir for at least 30 seconds. Add soda water, if desired, and give a quick stir. Garnish with a lemon wedge.
And finally, with the heat of summer the MB turns to the Gin and Tonic. There's no recipe needed for the classic gin and tonic, as the MB should have it well known what his preferred gin/tonic ratio is, perhaps even adjusting it for the weather. But he certainly should not allow any shortcuts to be made with the ingredients. Start with quality gin: Plymouth and Boodles are both MB endorsed.
With the growing availability of premium tonics, there should be no need to rely on hose-fed tonic for the cocktail that’s going to be the highlight of many sunny afternoons. The basic order of tonics is this: Fever Tree, Q Tonic, Fentiman's, Whole Foods 365, dog urine, Schweppes.
Q: What does the MB think of Belgian shoes? They appear to have some kind of cult following on the Upper East Side and Glenn O'Brien is quite a fan. I got conned into buying this pair years ago and have worn them a grand total of two times. My wife thinks they are the girliest shoes ever. And I'm inclined to agree. Does an MB need a little more courage to wear them or just some common sense to give them the heave ho? Thoughts? --K Nelson
A: Mr. Nelson, Sir, you should probably get these into your regular rotation. We typically prefer a much more urban look (there are a bunch of new Pumas today on Bluefly), but wearing a $350 pair of slippers 'round town is the essence of Magnificent Bastard-dom. Exclusive, obscure, and posess a senseless lack of utility. Pair with your most beat-up denim for maximum juxtaposition. And tell your wife to mind her own business.
If you remain unconvinced, we're sure there's a homeless stockbroker on the Upper East Side who needs footwear.
Q: I know you've addressed this issue before with crewnecks, however, what should one do with their shirt collars while wearing v-neck sweaters? I tend to keep them in although I've had people comment on how I should wear them out. --Chevy
A: Chevy, it's going to depend on the cut of the v-neck and the shape of the shirt collar, but this is one of those times when you should submit to your shirt's free will. Don't force artful dishevelment. If the collar is meant to stay in, it will stay in. If it's meant to be out, it will come out. 9 times out of 10, however, daily activities like hailing a cab or hailing a bartender will push your collar out.
Q: I'm trying to find a swimming suit. Do you have any suggestions? --Matt
A: Now that it's April 2nd, Matt, we can seriously answer your question. (See the April 1 version.)
First of all, we don't care what Vilebrequin is showing this season (or any other): elastic waistbands are universally unflattering and should be reserved for pre-K MBs in training. Beyond that, swimsuit length is the key determining factor. Using da Vinci's Vitruvian Man as a model, do your best to stay in the green zone. Yellow is OK but not recommended. Red is definitively toolbag.
Q: What shoes are worn on the male model in the site header? Also, do you have any MB suggestions to something similar to those? Something dark or light colored for the spring/summer. --Mark
A: Thanks for noticing. Those shoes are one of our all-time favorites: Puma Sport Fashion Standpunkt by Rudolf Dassler in "warm black." You can wear them with denim or a suit. If you have a small foot, you can get them cheap at Zappos, if you're bigger than 7.5 (and who isn't?) they're still available at Miller Shoes.
Q: I'm trying to find a swimming suit. Do you have any suggestions? --Matt
A: Normally we bag pretty hard on Tommy Bahama ... after all their shirts are #5 on The Toolbag List. But you know what? They are really good at swimming suits, like these hibiscus printed "Hold 'Em" swim trunks. The elastic really grips your waist and is surprisingly slimming.
Q: What is your take on Thomas Pink shirts? Is the modified spread collar narrow enough on the points to keep within magnificence? --Pete
A: Pete, in spite of being British, we're just not down with Thomas Pink shirts. The collars necessitate a Windsor knot and you know how we feel about the Windsor knot. Plus, 100% cotton dress shirts are so LC (Last Century). We've abandoned them entirely in favor of ones with a touch of elastane.
I am looking for the quintessential Dopp kit for my world travels. Is the answer leather or nylon? Love the site. --J. Leisure
A: Mr. Leisure, if you're checking bags you should go with the quintesential Dopp kit: a real Dopp kit (top, $60). It's leather, so it satisfies the organic materials principle, and will easily fit into your steamer trunk, with room to spare for your hat box.
If you're carrying on then space is at a premium, and while it's unfortunately not from a cow's hide, we're really, really liking this "kailua" case (bottom, $45) from Malcolm Fontier. Just enough room for the essentials, and thanks to Richard Reid, you can't put your lotion and shaving cream in there anyhow.
Q: For some reason my house has always had a slight funky smell to it, so I use those electric air fresheners to keep the smell at bay. I was wondering if there is an air freshener that the MB endorses (if he endorses them at all) since most air fresheners have a sickly flowery smell to them. Does an air freshener exist that could be considered a little more bastardly that would be appropriate? --Jack
A: We keep telling you guys: bury your enemies' bodies under someone else's house.
Jack, you're on the wrong track with air fresheners. You're just covering up the smell with Glade's Fruit Explosion when you need to eliminate the smell entirely with an air purifier. Expensive, but worth it, especially if you plan on return visits from members of the fairer (and more olfactory-gifted) sex.
Q: Having compared the sock wear of English and Italian friends I find myself in a quandary. The Englishman tends toward the characteristic, and perhaps dull, understated look reaching to the lower calf with the Italian chaps opting for bright stripes and patterns that reach almost to the knee. It's clear to me that there is a certain boldness and verve to the Italian option but is that joy in keeping with the studied coolness characterized by the MB? What do you suggest? --Mark
A: Astute observation on your part, Mark, though British designer Paul Smith makes some of the boldest socks on the market (inset). Regardless, we lean pretty strongly towards the British approach you note. No surprise there given our severe case of Anglophilia, not to mention the Italian socks-pulled-up-to-the-knees technique is both too serious and too 15th century explorer. However, colorful socks are still perfectly OK. They're a subtle way to add some personality to your wardrobe, and are under wraps until you cross your legs.
What are your thoughts on these Red Wing Classic Lifestyle boots?: I know they are my style (rugged good looks, etc) but want to know if they are MB style for around town or in a relaxed office atmosphere. Thanks in advance. --Mark
A: History, tradition, and pedigree are three nouns we like, and Red Wing has those in spades ... and if you had one and needed to dig a hole, these boots would work great. While not easy, they can be successfully urbanized/office-ized, perhaps with denim and a deconstructed blazer. Warning: go too casual on top and you might end up looking like a lost lumberjack. Tim-berrrrrrr!
Q: A question and a comment. What is the MB stance on snugness of a suit jacket? I recently got a steal on an Armani cashmere/silk sport jacket which is too big around the waist for my slim build. I want to get it altered to fit better but don't know how snug it should be. My comment is that I'd love for you to open up your posts to comment! Sure you'll get some rabble but it can add so much to what you're doing here. Which, by the way, I love! --Seth
A: Seth, head to the tailor. The snugness of the fit should be directly in proportion with one's fit(ness). Slim fellas in more generous cuts can quickly start looking like David Byrne. Bigger guys in snug fits can send crowds scurrying for cover to duck flying buttons. We've provided a handy chart below to demonstrate:
Q: I'm a 52 year old woman, 5' 2", my build is medium (not skinny, not chubby) kind of average. However, for awhile, my butt has been going south and I can't do anything else about it besides lots of lunges. What would you suggest is the best jean to lift up the derriere. --Mireya
A: Mireya, don't you just wish you could put that droopy ass up in a ponytail? No doubt everyone would benefit if you and other women in your situation could have an occasional bad ass day. Whip that thing up there and forget about it! Alas, since slinging ass isn't part of our current reality, you're smart to realize you can build a better butt with the right pair of denim.
Start with MB-endorsed Hudson. Signature back pockets (pictured) give the illusion of that desirable apple roundness. They're cut a bit higher in the waist as well (deliberately showing ass crack is so Last Year). This is also advantageous if you've got anything cookin' in the muffin top department.
Another brand worth investigating is Fidelity. You'll likely catch a few compliments with these; again the secret is those back pockets. Yeah, they're a little spendy, but consider it an investment in your bottom line. All it takes is one pair and Boom!, it's like a bailout for that junk in your trunk.
Q: How good does a scotch have to be before an MB won't put it in a Rob Roy and insists on drinking it neat? --Conrad
A: Conrad, you've asked what seems to be a simple question, but this would send a group of professional bartenders into a quarrel which undoubtedly would need to be settled over a few drinks and possibly some wrestling -- the best way to resolve any disagreement.
As we've mentioned in the past, the toolbags of this world think ordering Dom Perignon during the holidays is a sign of class. They're also probably the type who might order a Courvoisier and Coke. The MB knows how to toe the line (even with a law enforcement officer watching) between ignorant excess and the cocktail version of artful dishevelment.
Some "mixologists" (including Gary Regan), simply think that price should be your guide: if the scotch is north of $100 a bottle or so, you should drink it neat. Fortunately for the MB, you have your own taste and two simple rules as your guide:
1) It's fine to use a scotch up to 12-years old in a Rob Roy 2) Avoid using any scotch that's too peaty (think Laphroaig or Lagavulin)
Of course, if you love the peaty scotches you might be able to find the right blend of sweet or dry vermouth (remember the MB likes his Rob Roy perfect or fully dry, with onion garnish) to make a more-than-acceptable Islay Rob Roy. In this case though, you better have your A-game on, or your date may be calling you "Old Swampy" when you try to get more than just cordial.
Q: On the subject of pocket squares, where does the MB plant it roots? My hunch would be you favor the artfully unruly puff fold, but what is your stand on the Quantum of Solace "angled" straight fold featured in the print ads for said film? --Tune
A: We've covered this before, but we'll happily cover it again. Unless you're Yves Saint Laurent, who's dead, we prefer the one-point or the flat fold. James Bond is clueless about the martini (shaken is just plain wrong), but the flat fold has been in place from Sean Connery to Daniel Craig. That "angling" you're seeing is Bond's version of artful dishevelment. Either that or the result of having to lug around a silenced Heckler & Koch MP5 9mm.
* Shia LaBeouf in "Mutt" jacket in Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
In fact, part of the reason we can't fully endorse them is they're almost a little too Hollywood. At a certain age the women start getting Botox, the men start wearing leather Belstaff jackets.
Q: My wife says only girls and toolbags drive convertibles. I know you're not a car site, but you've commented on vehicular accessorization before. Convertibles seem impractical and can be exclusive. Does it depend where you live? We've been polling our friends and only my male friends that drive convertibles seem to disagree with my wife. Please advise. --Nicholas
A: Nicholas, this is most certainly not the first time, but your wife is wrong. Yeah, it's pretty easy to conclude "toolbag" when a moustachioed Guido is cruising chicks in a late-model Mustang with the top down. But what else is a convertible but the unstructured blazer of automobiles? As you suggest, they're impractical -- if you think cars are really just bulky umbrellas. But think of the possibilities. They let Mother Nature style your hair. They give you the opportunity to wear a cool cap. They serve as a rolling stage for your magnificence. Or to put it another way, your wife is going to have a hell of time explaining these guys away as chicks or toolbags:
Top: James Dean demonstrating confidence, artful dishevelment, and profoundly good layering technique in his 1954 356 Porsche Speedster.
Middle: Steve McQueen hopping into his 1956 Jaguar XKSS, with perfect cigarette dangling angle.
Bottom: Anyone can get chauffered in a limo, but it takes an MB to get chauffered in a convertible, like the Pope in this 2007 Mercedes-Benz G 500 Cabriolet.
This not a question so much as a fear and I believe you guys can help. Summer will be here and in parts of the US it will be happening sooner. Men should and will be wearing sandals. The problem is, and you've addressed one problem (the lack of a pedicure) which is bad but the choice of sandal is also important. A thong type as opposed to the crisscross or strap. On some men the crisscross and strap type make men look like Fred Flintstone. Could you come up with some guidelines? --John (from Ireland)
A: Yeah, we take a backseat to no one about the importance of a pedicure. Last June was Pedicure Awareness Month and this June will be no different. It's the MB version of The Golden Rule: don't expose nasty-ass toes to others.
Fred Flintstone lived in the Pre-Footwear Era, which makes his car-driving even more remarkable. Imagine the wickedly painful blisters most men would get powering a stone-wheeled auto with their feet. Anyhow, we don't see that big of a stylistic difference between thong and crisscross/strap, to be honest. They can both work. One type of sandal we do avoid is a strap/crisscross that covers too much toe. This has an unflattering chubbing-up, holy-crap-that-dude-has-an-ingrown-toenail effect. You'll know it when you see it.
Magnetic collar stays? "Super strong magnetic buttons give you the unique ability to adjust your collar's spread on a whim, creating multiple different looks with the same shirt"? Ummm, how about just buying a shirt with a spread that you like and wearing it as it was tailored? --Kevin
A: Who knew this much thought went into collar stays? Whenever we buy a shirt with collar stays they're immediately tossed in the trash, simply because they greatly inhibit the MB Prime Directive: artful dishevelment.
Q: I'm planning on traveling to some rather unsavory places. Is there an MB alternative to money belts? --Jet-Setting Bastard
A: Assuming you're going to be spending some time overseas and not just a weekend in Detroit, the belt's problem is that it doesn't have a place for your passport.
We've previously ripped on the YMYL Holster for being focused on holding an MP3 player instead of, say, a weapon. But in this case it will suit your needs pretty well. Combine with a couple unstructured blazers and a Beretta 418, you're jet-setting safely, and in style.
Q: I bought my boyfriend a 25 year bottle of Glenmorangie for his birthday, but I wasn't sure what else I should include. Would a set of granite scotch rocks fall into the realm of toolbag? Should I stick to the more traditional crystal glasses? (Or is there a better gift to pair with the scotch?) --Natalya
A: Natalya, your hunch on granite scotch rocks is dead on. They're like pet rocks for alcoholic toolbags, though in the case of a $750 bottle of booze, certainly better than using actual ice. Go for a pair of the traditional crystal glasses if you must, though we can think of a better pair to pair with the Glenmorangie.
Q: Disparaging the Wayfarers without suggesting a sufficiently bastardly replacement? Very un-magnificent. I'm in the market for a new pair of shades myself. I can at least spot the toolbag fodder, but nothing has struck my fancy. Help! --Brad
A: We're not totally down on the Wayfarer; just make sure you get a vintage pair. And only wear them around the house.
While we're happy to answer questions about what sunglasses Leonardo DiCaprio is wearing in one of his movies, we've also made no secret of our affection for vintage shades. It's a really easy, affordable way to add personality, uniqueness, and history to your look. You'd think we owned the place as much as we pimp it, but try allynscura for loads of good options. Also make sure to check out klasik.org and Retrospecs.
A: In our view, Lugz are the Crocs of hip-hop. They look exactly like they sound -- clunky, badly proportioned, and possibly reinforced with multiple layers of body armor-grade Kevlar. Unless you have an endorsement deal or people shoot at your feet a lot, avoid.
Q: Spring is just around the corner. So it's sunglasses season. Could you identify the sunglasses Mr. DiCaprio is wearing in Body of Lies? --Matt
A: What do we look like? The Celebrity Sunglass Identification Squad? Well, OK maybe. Anyhow, Leonardo is wearing Ray-Ban 3360s, available at Zappos for $133.00.
Q: What is your opinion on Aldo shoes, a recent discovery of mine? I'm a 21 year-old college student, and I rock some less-than-subtle ankle zip boots, and some plaid tennis shoes by them rather often, but a friend says they stand out too much and seems like TTH. Maybe it just doesn't work in Arkansas. --Ron
A: Hey Ron in Arkansas. Thanks for reading. This is the first we've heard from Arkansas. Anyhow, we're not big Aldo fans. Can't speak to the plaid tennis shoes but his boots look like a poor-man's Mark Nason. If you're going to TTH, go full throttle with Nason. Otherwise, our current favorite boot guy is John Varvatos and you can usually find them on eBay at a steep discount.
Q: MB, I am a 20 year old college student and recently was very excited to find a pair of new Puma Contacts at a thrift store and have been wearing them occasionally. I only wear them with plain black skinny jeans, because I don't want to be too elaborate. My girlfriend on the other hand feels that they are too ridiculous and make me stand out in a bad way. Am I wrong? --Jacob
A: Jacob, your girlfriend would've been more accurate to say you stand out in a too Joey Ramone way. This is fine if you're the 6'6" frontman for an up-and-coming college punk rock cover band. Otherwise save this ironic footwear for the hardcourts.
Q: I'm trying to find a stylish, affordable winter leather glove for everyday wear. What would you recommend? --Brian
A: The name practically defines prosaic and their site is a blast from 1996, but we've had great luck with stuff from Leather Gloves Online, especially their rabbit fur lined options. Trust us, once you go rabbit fur lined, you never go back, even to the finest Outer Mongolian goat cashmere. Choose the pique stitched version for a dressier look (top, $79.95), and the handsewn chunky stitch pair (bottom, $86.95) for more casual wear.
Q: Can you tell me the kind of sunglasses Andy Samberg is wearing in his video "I'm on a boat"? There is a great picture of them at 2:06 here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU Thanks a lot! --Grant
A: Sorry, there aren't enough distinguishing characteristics even to make an educated guess. However, if you've got the requisite confidence, we heartily endorse big, chunky, '60s-inspired sunglasses like the ones he's wearing. Also, the video is worth watching:
Q: What do MBs have for a desktop background on their computers? --Don
A: A picture of either a.) their kid(s), b.) their pet(s), c.) their wife, or d.) all of the above.
Just messin' with ya! Don, we're glad to see some understand an MB communicates even with his computer's display settings. Custom or design-y backgrounds are the equivalent of over-accessorization, like simultaneously wearing a necklace, watch, earring, and ring. Focus on things that matter: time invested in choosing a picture of a sunset is better spent finding a killer pair of shoes.
(Top: Choose "None" on Windows. Bottom: Choose "Solid Colors" on Mac, preferably a neutral.)
Q: A male friend of mine has been looking for a weekend/overnight bag for a while with no luck. To quote him exactly, "I need a quality overnight bag/case, for planes and the car, sort of fashionable and available online? Is there something I should be looking at?" Naturally I am concerned for him, since he needs to be as magnificent as possible, but nothing I've found so far seems to suit him. Are you up to the task? --Liz
A: Let's hope he's spending a bit more time in automobiles and trains than planes, because finding affordable, stylish wheeled cabin luggage is a full-time job and should be part of Obama's stimulus package. Based on the size of his wallet, here are some suggestions:
Top:F1 Spacepak Weekend. $62.50 (on sale). Flight 001's house brand is high quality, functional, affordable, and looks cool. Can you tell we're fans? For short jaunts this bag (1/2 price!) will not disappoint.
Middle:Puma Black/Walnut Wood Cargo Bag. $225.00. Puma's "Urban Mobility" fabric/wood combo bags turn heads, and are even somewhat useful, too.
Bottom:Etro Duffel. $510.00 (on sale). If your "friend" is feeling flush, this Etro duffel from The Corner is also 1/2 price and might well last into old age.
Q: I've got a question about how high or low pants should go. I'm a fat bastard who has been working on slimming down. Down 2 pants sizes in the last year and half. So my wardrobe is in flux. The issue now though is my two suits (especially the pants) are ridiculously too large to go around my traditional upper limit of above the hips. But they're now ok go around my still somewhat larger gut. (I'm still working on that.) The question comes down to, is it ok to wear the pants around the belly or should I pony up the money to have and have the alterations done? --Moderately Fat Bastard
A: Get your pants tailored for the new you. Wearing them on your gut is like giving up and only wearing sweats and track suits. You're in the process of turning this fat train right around! In other words, a little more Hank Hill (who once lead his high-school's conference in rushing) and a little less Homer Simpson (who once gained 61 pounds to go on fat disability). Please just ignore the look on their faces and their body language and trust us.
Q: What is your take on Rick Owens' designs? --Mark
A: His pants are too skinny, his tops are too blousy, and it's all about 50% overpriced. But his outerwear is outstanding and highly recommended (at the right price).
Q: My husband seems to be losing his hearing, but since he is the quintessential MB he is dead against a hearing aid. I saw this item in the latest SkyMall airline catalog -- it's a hearing aid camouflaged as a Bluetool, I mean -tooth. The copy claims it will make my darling look more youthful. And if it works, he would be able to hear me better. It's $40. What do you think? --Dru
A: Take it easy there, hon. Do *not* mess with a man's hard-earned ability to tune out his wife, even if it's the result of actual hearing loss. May we suggest a dozen Titleist Pro V1s instead?
Q: Etiquette question: I've been invited to the wedding and bachelor party of a friend from college. I can't make the wedding (another, better friend is getting married a week later. I can only afford one cross country flight.) Is it poor taste to attend just the (local) bachelor party? Also: I've only received a "Save the Date" from the bride. Should I contact them now or wait for the invitation and the RSVP? --Mike
A: Mike, this is a sticky situation, but we've got a solution:
Option A: Telling the truth. Pleading poverty is very un-MB, so don't do it.
Option B: Not attending. You'll have to come up with another Emily Post-sounding excuse not to attend the bachelor party. Which leaves the only logical choice:
Option C: Get disinvited from the wedding. Have a wicked good time at the bachelor party, take a bunch of pictures and post them Facebook. Then "accidentally" unblock them. Oops! It was an honest mistake! Plus it takes care of that wedding "Save the Date" / RSVP situation.
Q: It seems like the Ray-Ban Wayfarers are making a comeback. Are they too iconic to be MB? Or, should you buy them now so that in 5 years when they're really popular you can say "already got them"? --Stephen
A: You needed to buy them 5 years *ago* so that today they could tell everyone, "Already got them, yo." Or just change the subject. Isn't this weather great? While they're still popular, an MB is not following the crowd this late in the game.
Here's the deal: Ray-Ban was bought from Bausch & Lomb by Luxottica in the '90s. They wanted to put their own mark on the brand, throwing away 50 years of American spirit. When tastemakers started wearing vintage Wayfarers in the early/mid 2000s, Luxottica decided to reissue the original style. They prominently placed fucking logos on the front of the frame and on each temple to make sure it was distinguished from copycats. When B&L first issued the Wayfarer, it simply had the "football" shaped shields on the fronts and temples (like our friend Joel, pictured) and an understated "BL" etched into the corner of the lenses. If you must wear a Wayfarer today -- and we don't recommend it -- insist on the original American-made versions.
Q: I will soon be moving to Seattle after having lived all my life in sunny Florida. I am not well equipped for the weather, and was hoping you could recommend appropriate overcoat and footwear options (I cringe at the thought of exposing leather shoes to that much moisture). Would you consider a raincoat too plebian? --Alex
A: Hey Alex, kind of a good-news/bad-news scenario, eh? You just reduced your melanoma risk by 100%, but elevated your risk of SAD by at least that much. For the latter, up here in northern Wisconsin we've discovered heavy doses of alcohol usually does the trick. And it sure beats chemotherapy. Anyhow, we digress...
Footwear: Rubber-soled leather shoes will hold up well. Camper is an affordable all-time MB favorite. Depending on your relocation package, also consider Prada (a bunch of new options now at Saks). Just stay away from suede, or keep a suede brush in your laptop bag at all times. Also consider just strapping on some Swims over your existing footwear, and put all your money towards:
Outerwear: Two words: Mackintosh Coat. Your move has provided you with an opportunity to wear this iconic outerwear a lot. Yeah, they're expensive, but a Mackintosh coat is one of those rare pieces that you can wear for a lifetime because it will never go out of style. Go for the original (left, $813.00), or the slightly updated J. Crew version (right, $800.00).
Most importantly, follow Dan Rather and Humphrey Bogart's lead and be sure to turn up the collar.
Q: I just started dating a truly Magnificent Bastard. But it seems he has everything! With Valentine's Day coming up, I'm at a loss as to what to get him (under $100 since we're new), any suggestions for an outside-the-bedroom present (he's already getting a bedroom present)? --Jackie
A: Jackie, in this situation we have one simple rule to follow: Don't get anything that puts him in the position of overtly having to display or wear it; in other words be forced to answer the question, "Why aren't you wearing ______ tonight?" If he hates it, it can disappear into a closet or drawer and for all you know he uses it every day. This means no clothes or personal furnishings or any display-necessary housewares. So ties, wallets, thumb rings, and placemats are all out.
Poke around at a couple of our favorite four-letter design boutiques, Moss and Good. If you come up empty, visit your favorite antique shop and you're certain to find a one-of-a-kind MB-worthy item he doesn't already own. After a few minutes of Googling we unearthed this elk-horn corkscrew that isn't just an excellent addition to any bar, it distinctly foreshadows the "in the bedroom" present.
Q: Is it ever appropriate or acceptable to wear sunglasses indoors and/or at night? I'm not talking Oakley Blades with crazy-ass reflective lenses, but vintage Neostyles and Dunhills with soft blue and brown gradients. I know the official MB stance on the practice, but I hope against hope that there are exceptions. --Michael
Q: I was recently looking at getting a pair of Fluevogs and was curious; how do they rate on the MB scale? I figure they make the grade, and while some are a little too pointy and others not pointy enough (http://www.magnificentbastard.com/posts/ask-the-mb-shoe-toe-pointiness), I'm guessing these are acceptable based on the rules. What say you, oh swami of pithy style? --Gregory
A: Sure, some Fluevogs might qualify as acceptable based on the MB Toe Pointiness Chart; it's their positioning on the MB Good Style Chart you should be more concerned about. These just don't do it for us. Their look is so overpowering and Austin Powers-y that if you decide to get a pair please follow this advice: make them the featured wardrobe item and combine with an exceedingly ordinary pair of pants and top.
Q: I have a pair of brown pony hair Puma Clydes, but am trying to find them in black. Any suggestions? --Mike
A: First of all, consider yourself lucky to own a pair of these at all. (They're rare ... what's the deal? Is there a pony shortage or something? Grow some more.) Second, you want to know what sucks worse than not finding the shoes you desire? It's when you Google "puma pony hair" + black and our own site has the #1 and #2 search results. As if we're going to be of any help!
Your best bet is to set up Google and eBay alerts. If you insist on the pony and can't wait to find the black, the "Clyde Jungle Pack" is available and on sale for just $90.
Q: I play basketball and my old hightops are tired. Is there such a thing as a basketball shoe that does not reek of toolbag? Growing up, I loved the Air Penny II. Do you approve? Do I need to stop playing the sport altogether? Help! --Matt
A: We have about a dozen well-worn copies of Paul Fussell's brilliant book Class lying around the office. One its greatest contributions: a sport's class is inversely proportional to the size of its ball.*
How's your backhand?
(* Of course not every theory is perfect. If it were, a softball would be about the size of the moon.)
Q: What is your take on thumb rings? I wear one from time-to-time to round out my MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fighter look. It's a silver ring with a gold skull I bought while in combat over in Iraq. I have read that back in the day, like 1400s back in the day, docs and military types use to wear thumb rings. I catch a lot of shit from friends, but that's as far as it goes when I ask them what would look more gay? "My low-key skull thumb ring or them walking into the ER with a broken jaw?" --Glenn
A: We reckon you're mistaking thumb rings for thumbscrews. We also reckon your friends are more regular readers of this site, just trying to help their boy out. So get medieval on someone else's ass.
Q: OK. I'm a toolbag. Overweight. Over 50. So, before I abandon all hope and kill myself to improve the gene pool, are there stylists / personal shoppers / etc. that could take me by the wallet and do a makeover? How would a toolbag know a good one from a charlatan? I don't expect to become a MB, but life's got to be better than the Big Tall and Ugly shop. --Richard
A: Richard, you may have lost your fitness and good looks, but at least you've still got your sense of humor. And apparently your wallet is still intact, so things are less dire than you think. Do us a favor: start by hitting the treadmill and eating less, and consider hiring a personal trainer. Then browse through all the channels on this site. If you have questions, drop us another line. We'll happily suggest a few wardrobe choices, and who knows? Project Richard may become this site's next feature.
Q: Do men prefer curly or straight hair a woman? In addition to that, do they prefer short or long hair? What's sexier in your opinion? --Nora
A: Curly, straight, short, long ... it really doesn't matter. Except for bangs. No bangs. Sorry Zooey Deschanel, this just isn't working out.
Nora, you know what's sexier than a hairstyle? Personal style with a point of view, intelligence, and most of all: attitude. Unfortunately these aren't available at a salon.
Q: How old does one need to be to wear a blazer in casual settings? I'm thinking of buying a military blazer (single breasted, four buttons, dark grey), but I don't want to be the "17-year old who tries to look 30." --Collarbone
A: Choose the blazer if either: a.) you hang out mainly with older people, or b.) you want to be mistaken for one of the Jonas Brothers. And chicks apparently really dig them.
Otherwise it carries pretty high risk. Wearing one to algebra class can possibly work as Max Fisher but can quickly devolve into Mike Damone.
Now, while I realize that part of being an MB is a healthy contempt for authority, is it really fair to apply the criteria of Magnificent Bastard-dom to the office of the President? I mean, isn't that something of a double standard?
Consider how a Magnificent Bastard would likely win an election:
1. A Magnificent Bastard certainly would be the underdog, running against an establishment incumbent. 2. A Magnificent Bastard would likely campaign however the hell he wanted, surrounding himself with good people, and he certainly wouldn't "prepare" for debates. (This would be Trying Too Hard). 3. A Magnificent Bastard, faced with inevitable defeat, would likely win the election anyhow, using the system itself to take the reins of power. 4. Having taken the presidency, a Magnificent Bastard wouldn't dare be seen sitting behind a desk. Why not schedule several photo ops doing something outdoors, and manly, with a cowboy hat and boots (appropriate in the state of Texas), denim, and sleeves appropriately rolled past the elbows.
Wait, wait, wait. This all seems very familiar. No wonder there's a picture of Dubya tucked in your current banner image. You sly dogs.
--Felipe
Q: I've been browsing through the site and I must say it's spot on ... great reviews with a great sense of humor... I wanted to ask what's the MB stance on Fossil Watches.... Are they over used? Are they too mainstream? Are they worthy of a Magnificent Bastard? --Luis
A: Luis, sucking up will get you nowhere. OK, well, maybe somewhere: we'll answer your question. We're not big fans of Fossil watches for the reasons you suggest, and a couple of others: 1.) most exceed the 40mm size maximum, and 2.) their quality isn't the greatest. On the other hand, the price is right, so if you're young (high school or early college) you could do worse, but once you hit the big 2-0 it's time to upgrade.
Q: Since you mention watches ... any advice on a good-looking digital watch? I can read an analog, but hate having to. --David
A: When the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 9...
If you insist on digital then why not go nerd ironic with a vintage Casio calculator? Otherwise, we recommend the Timex Ironman, worn by Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and President Bill Clinton (bottom), who is at least 50% Magnificent Bastard. It's a watch that says, "Yes, of course I can afford a more expensive timepiece, but I am practical, I am a brother in arms with the common man, and I may even jog on occasion."
Q: Recently in GQ's online series "How to Become a Well Dressed Rebel in 30 Days," Adam Rapoport interviewed Thom Browne and suggested that you forgo the socks with your suit. When they show the pictures of Thom Browne I got a distinct feel that he looked like a 12 year-old that got a suit when he was 7. I guess this can be classified as artful dishevelment but I feel that less dishevelment is better than more Hobbit. Am I completely off the mark? And how should a MB go about the no socks advice? --Ryan
A: We've never understood the fashion world's hard-on for Thom Browne. Thom Browne this. Thom Browne that. Whatever. His approach to pants is a completely unflattering trend, kinda like women's capri pants from a few years ago. (Like the Terminator, they'll be back.) However, Thom Browne's thoughts on no socks with suits is a good one, but do it in an understated (i.e. MB) way. Go sockless with a normal inseam and then surprise folks with a leg cross or a nicely-timed gust of wind. Just be sure to wear a pair of these socks with your shoes.
Q: So thanks to you guys I've taken quite a turn for the bastardly -- started tucking in sport shirts, stopped wearing a thumb ring and bracelet, etc. -- and it's made a huge difference in how I present and feel about myself. So thanks for that.
Anyway, I've got a question regarding watches, specifically how to wear them. I've always taken to wearing them upside-down on my right wrist -- I'm right-handed -- but I'm not sure if comes off as TTH. Where do you guys stand? Or does it even make much of a difference?
Also, how do you guys feel about rubber/nylon straps for watches? I've never been a fan of stainless steel 'cause it scuffs too easily and slides around too much. --Michael
A: Thanks for the kind words and we're glad we've been of assistance. Now tuck in that shirt, son! You're slippin'.
Anyhow, regarding watch placement, right wrist is OK but perhaps reconsider the upside-down part. With your positioning there's wasted motion involved in telling time, and over time could lead to repetitive stress injury.
Regarding bands, you're going to get us to add a corollary to the Principle of Organic Materials. Of course, a dress watch almost always demands a leather band, but for anything sporty we too prefer nylon to steel. The best band we've ever found is the Zulu strap, again from Westcoastime. You will be pleased with that purchase.
Q: What's your take on glasses? I'm nearsighted and I wear contacts most of the time, but occasionally I do like to wear my glasses (for the sake of the "look"). Do you have any recommendations on things like frame (metal/plastic), shape (round, oval, square), color (black, brown, etc...), rimless or rimmed, and size? Or should I just stick to contacts? --4Eyes
A: We strongly endorse eyeglasses. They are a great way to accessorize stylishly, or to achieve "the look" as you say. This "look" may even end up defining you, as they have for many MBs throughout history. As far as material and shape and rims, experiment and see what you like and don't like. We almost always end up with vintage eyewear, which you can find at antique stores or our favorite (and we reckon the best) online dealer for new old stock: allyn scura. Tell Scott (the owner) we sent you.
See if you can identify these MBs before looking at the answers below.
Top Row: Salvador Allende, Arthur Ashe, William S. Burroughs, Michael Caine Middle Row: Elvis Costello, Sammy Davis Jr., James Dean, Johnny Depp Bottom Row: J. William Fulbright, Mahatma Gandhi, Philip Johnson, Le Corbusier
Q: You can't think of any fat guys who are MBs? How about Sydney Greenstreet or Charles Laughton? Auric Goldfinger or the Kingpin?
Magnificent Bastards all. --Marcus
A: Let's just say we have different definitions of Magnificent Bastard-dom. Who's the MB in this picture? (Hint: It's not the guy on the left who cheats at both cards and golf.) Now, if you had said "Fat Elvis" instead of some tubby Brits and a comic book character, you'd have an argument.
UPDATE: Reader Sid chimes in with an MB-endorsed observation:
As to whether or not a fat guy can be an MB, I'm going with "yes, but it's really hard to pull off."
Case in point: Winston Churchill. yeah, he's a Brit, but a certain degree of Anglophilia is well within MB rights (you've said as much yourselves). Snappy dresser, master drinker, always ready with a quip, and pretty much singlehandedly kept Britain's shit together during WW2.
I'll admit, he started off skinny (like Brando) and got increasingly fat and nasty (like Brando) but the height of his MB-dom was obviously during WW2, at which point he was definitely on the tubby side of things.
Corrolary: Orson Welles. Sure, he also got fat and nasty by the endgame, but Welles was an MB's MB.
Q: Howdy: I'm looking at buying a suede jacket. Last night, my wife and I were watching the movie, Music and Lyrics on HBO. Hugh Grant was wearing a really nice brown one. I said I want one similar ... my wife said the collar was too wide. We agreed to let you decide. What say you? --John
A: We're not sure about the age-inappropriate necklace or the quarter-zip mock neck sweater, but the collar on that jacket, while bold, is just fine by us. The only problem: good luck finding it. Since she lost the argument, put your wife on the search.
Q: Can fat guys be MBs? They can't pull off the perfect suit, or show off a sweet non-pleated pant, but I'm sure there have been some badass big MB guys in the past. I'm not talking Michael Moore fat (and unkempt), but maybe a guy that goes to the Big and Tall store a touch more for the "Big" than the "Tall." --Fat Bastard
A: We're pretty sure there exists a fat MB, it's just that we can't really think of one outside of perhaps Santa Claus ... and he still has to put on polyester once a year.
A little additional chub can still work, but not too much. Just look to Marlon Brando for guidance:
Top: Fit Brando the iconic image of cool American masculinity.
Bottom: Fat Brando the iconic image of diabetes, waddling, hanging out at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.
Q: I work for a jeweler and would like to buy my brother a watch. He will be retiring from the USMC this coming fall and will need a civilian watch. Are Tag Heuer, Tissot, or Movado MB-approved? If not, brand recommendations? --Jennifer
A: McQueen wore a Tag Heuer, but so does Tiger Woods, and that's a dealbreaker because he's a toolbag. Tissot makes some nice watches and the price is right. Movado is far too civilian-y and fragile-looking for a guy who could probably survive for a week solely on bullets and Marlboros.
We'd suggest going with something sporty and perhaps even military-inspired. He'll always be a Marine. Take a look at Westcoastime for some very affordable options. For a little more money, you could not go wrong with an Omega Seamaster. Works for Bond. If you're interested in becoming All-Time Favorite Sister of All-Time, see what kind of discount you can get on a Panerai.
Q: Black shirts with colored stripes? Yes or no? I got one for a gift and I'm leaning toward no, but a friend of mine keeps telling me I should wear it. --Dustin
A: Unless you play for AC Milan, this is terrible advice. Either he has no style or he's setting you up to look bad by comparison when you hit the town. Either way, time to fine a new friend.
Q: Would wearing a three-piece suit make the MB a bit too Swiss banker? Is it wrong to sport one in a light gray stripe? --Sampson
A: Not just too Swiss banker. Too Dean Vernon Wormer. And too Greg Marmalard. He was a little shit, just like Neidermeyer. In other words, a 3-piece suit is just too "authority figure" to qualify as an MB wardrobe entry, and MBs are known to have issues with authority. They're more likely to be members of Delta Tau Chi than Omega Theta Pi, if you get our drift.
Q: How does the MB approach color? Not as a seasonal rule, but in general, does the MB embrace color, or shy away? I've been using color mostly in accents and smaller articles of clothing, leaving the main pieces to neutral color palettes. Is this the way to go? --Matt
A: Matt, you've basically got it, except for the part about color in accents and smaller articles of clothing. Just look at how these MBs keep their palette simple and almost completely devoid of color.
Q: I'm thinking it's about time to go shopping, but I haven't got a clue about what to buy. I'd like to look a little bit mature, but since I'm actually not that old (18) I want stuff that's easy to dress down or just make a little more playful. Oh, and I usually look better in things with a waist. Any suggestions? --Eva
A: Eva, you sure about this waist thing? If so, here are three waist-friendly options, depending on you budget. From big to small:
Nanette Lepore - More difficult to dress down, but has the strong '50s vibe it sounds like you dig. A bunch of choices at shopbop.com.
J. Crew - Lots of options to make you look older than 18 here.
Target - No joke. If you're on a typical 18 year-old's budget, Isaac Mizrahi for Target fits the bill. Get it while you still can; he'll be gone soon.
Q: Ever since I began shaving, I've been getting razor bumps in the neck region. I've tried shaving with a five blade electric razor after taking a hot shower, shaving with the direction of the hair, and only shaving once every three days. However none of these methods seem to alleviate the problem. I don't want to do laser hair removal. What do you suggest? --Brock
A: Sorry Brock, we cannot help you. The morning shave leaves our faces as smooth as Barbie's ass.
But we can't just leave you in a bumpy-necked lurch. For assistance we've turned to Michael Gilman, co-founder of men's grooming site Grooming Lounge for some answers:
First, an irritation-free shave is all about preparation. Shaving right after a shower is important, but only half the battle. In addition to shaving a warm beard, he should also prepare the beard using a shave oil and shave cream combination. The oil will help his whiskers stand at attention and the cream will work in tandem with the oil to soften skin and the whiskers. The result is less razor drag and irritation.
Secondly, for guys with sensitive skin, 5 blades is just too much. It's the equivalent of taking three or four extra passes with the razor. For sensitive skin that’s too vigorous. We suggest a triple bladed razor and that's what we use in-house.
Another tip is to really make sure he's shaving with the direction of hair growth and not just "down." For a lot of men, hair grows side to side or diagonally and it's important to follow this path to reduce irritation. Of course, no slicing and only going against the grain for areas that really need it and only doing so once.
Finally, in addition to a soothing, non-alcohol based aftershave, there's a miracle product that really helps guys with chronic razor burn. It's called Barc Bump Down, and God knows how it works, but applying some post-shave really reduces razor burn and bumps. I've used it myself to ward of irritation and its slight sting is well worth it.
Q: My boyfriend loves your site and I enjoy it too so I told my dad to check it out because he takes pride in his appearance and has a sense of humor...well when he looked up what kind of jeans he should wear you told him diapers. Not cool! --Carrie
A: Not just any ol' diapers, Carrie! Depends®! Of course 60 year-olds can wear denim. Just have your pop avoid anything with a design on the back pocket, in a weird wash, or too high or low-rise. For easy and affordable, J. Crew or Banana will work. If he's feeling up to it, have him take a look at our favorite: AG. Finally, get your old man's sense of humor in for a tune-up.
Q: What the hell can I wear with jean shorts?! I just recently donated a bunch of my clothes and noticed I have tons of jean shorts. I can't think up anything that can go with them. Should I have donated them too? Help! --Aaron
A: Florida Gator quarterback and massive toolbag Tim Tebow wears jean shorts. (Looks as though MBs can safely rule out Birkenstocks as well. But you knew that.) If that doesn't answer your question, visit jean short photo site jorts.com and let us know if you find one guy even approximating Magnificent Bastard-dom. Aaron, this is best left to the opposite sex, specifically Daisy Duke or women with DD-quality buns.
Q: I generally agree that they are a terrible curse on humanity but these are quite MB in my opinion. They first caught my eye in a recent ad in GQ. --Matt
A: Egads man. These ain't MB. They look like the result of a company with a history of making soft, cheap, sheepskin boots that decides to make something "badass." If you're wanting that buckle look in the same price range, try something from Frye, the oldest continuously operated shoe company in America (1863).
Q: First, thanks for clarifying the difference between a decent cocktail and a great one. It's changed the way I drink.
But I wanted to know what should be ordered when drinking isn't an option. I don't mean the basics. I'm assuming the coffee is always black, the water is never branded, and the drink, given the choice, is never bottled. What I mean is that time where you want to stay a few extra minutes at the bar, but another would put you over the limit. What do you ask for? --John (from the UK)
A: Generally, what we'd ask for is the check, but it sounds like you're looking for advice on how to keep sipping on something when you might have a good reason to hang around for a few more minutes at the bar.
Did she have a nice pair of cans?
The simple choice is tonic water with a twist. Usually, though, this might mean sucking down something that just recently saw the inside of a hose. We're not cattle! Being from the UK, you should be able to find the best choice in tonic: Fever-Tree. For those in the states, Q Tonic is becoming more widely available. And yes, we strongly suggest demanding one of these premium tonics the next time your bartender mixes up a gin and tonic.
But why go cold turkey? The goal is to keep your blood-alcohol level down, not put your kidneys into shock. Try something tasteful with far less alcohol than the your usual, three-shot Rob Roy. That's where one of our favorites, the Americano, comes in. Order this heavy on the soda and you'll have an enjoyable, not overly boozy option when slowly winding down your evening.
Classic Americano
3 parts Campari
3 parts sweet vermouth (Noilly Pratt)
splash of soda water
dash of orange bitters
Give a quick shake, pour over ice in a Collins glass, garnish with an orange peel.
MB "Last Call" Americano
1 part Campari
1 part sweet vermouth (Noilly Pratt)
3 parts soda water
dash of orange bitters
Pour all ingredients over ice, stir briskly, garnish with an orange peel.
Q: Suits: are we still in 2-button, double-vent mode, or is there something new on the horizon? It is time to update the old wardrobe? Can I still wear my old 4 button models or are those too far gone? --Allen
A: The 2-button, double-vent mode is still a great choice. Heck, even an alien like Klaatu (Keanu Reeves) from The Day the Earth Stood Still knows it. (If you look closely you can pick out the double vents.)
Regarding the 4-button versions in your possession, we're going to invoke the well-known Charles Barkley rule and request that they remain in your closet.
Q: OK, when wearing cufflinks, if your shirt has a button placket just north of the cuff, do you use the button or leave it undone? I vote "use the button," but I see some seemingly very MB-esque people forgoing it. Please shed some Magnificent light on the subject. --Tim
A: Button? What button? We don't think we've ever used that button on either a button cuff or single/French cuff shirt. Those people you're seeing are MB-esque for a reason: they're MBs.
Q: My wife just surprised me with a pair of men's Uggs (dark brown short boots) for my birthday. What should I do? I love my wife (she is sitting next to me). --Stephen
A: Remember that wedding vow stuff? "For better or for worse"? Surely there was never any mention about Ugg boots for men, so read on.
These have been outgoing on women for well over a year and are a style trainwreck for men. It's great that you love your wife, Stephen. Sounds like you have a healthy, strong marriage, and even sit closely while emailing. Ask her for the receipt, give her a peck on the cheek, and then make your way to the mall for a return.
Q: My boyfriend recently discovered your site and now it's his dogma. The problem: I was going to get him Crocs for his birthday next month, thinking he would like a comfortable, lazy-day alternative to real shoes like I do, but now he's all against them because of you. So what should I get a newly minted MB-wannabe for his b-day? It doesn't have to be shoes, but it has to be cheap. Like probably any clothing recommendations you would make would be too much for me. --Breda
Clothing or footwear is such a dicey proposition in the first place. In the Crocs price range we recommend the Kiehl's "Ultimate Man" Collection. It's 55 bucks and he'll smell nice, be clean, have soft hands, and kiss-worthy lips. In fact, this gift is more for you than it is him, and those are always the best kind.
Q: Love your site and you are right on with the boot and tucked in pants deal. My question is about where a gin martini fits in your MB seasonal drink chart. Winter is bourbon and scotch season certainly, but an icy martini does have its place too as the weather gets cold and dark in my opinion. Your thoughts? --Bradley
A: Regular readers of our site know that the Rob Roy is the MB's year-round drink of choice, but a gin martini is certainly more than acceptable alternative when you need a break from a seasonal overabundance of the brown liquors.
The MB version of the classic martini has a bastardly nod toward the classic origins of the cocktail (dash of orange bitters) but also a magnificent nod to getting the taste right above all else (appropriate amount of vermouth, because the flavor complexity is required, and a slight shaking, because the dilution with water brings out a better aroma and flavor). The modern obsession with an overly dry martini shows little knowledge of what the cocktail needs to deliver. (Sorry Mr. Churchill.)
Going Bradford (i.e. giving it a shake), is where the MB wants to be, though he appreciates the stance of the purists who advocate only stirring. Also, the Gibson version (with a cocktail onion garnish) isn't frowned upon.
MB Gin Martini
4 parts gin (Plymouth or Boodles)
1 part dry vermouth (Noilly Pratt)
dash of Regans' orange bitters
Give the gin, vermouth, and bitters a quick shake. Serve up with a lemon twist.
Typically a man becomes more MB with age, as he learns from earlier mistakes and takes on the patina of someone who's endured polar fleece and Dockers. An obvious exception to this rule is Kevin Costner, seen in the most recent issue of People sporting a soul patch.
Q: As an aspiring MB in my early 20s, it's troubling my otherwise attractive and eloquent girlfriend almost exclusively sticks to clothing with style that would better suit a tween at a "Twilight" premiere. Any suggestions on how to ween her away from the kiddie clothes and towards a more age-appropriate look without inciting rage? --Sean
A: We love it when an attractive, eloquent, early 20-something women gets mad.
Our guess is she's still shopping in juniors with the other Twi-hards. She needs to shift to contemporary, which unfortunately for you is a bigger budget commitment, but better quality and fewer tacky midriff-baring tops. Try a gift certificate from BCBG, Club Monaco, or French Connection. If her pockets (and yours) are a little deeper just go straight to Theory and be done with it.
Q: My boyfriend keeps asking me what color shoes to wear with various colored shirts. I honestly never have a clue. I know what works for women, but not for men. Is there some sort rule? For instance, what color shoes/belt would you wear with a purple shirt? --Jessica
A: This might be an issue for women because their color palette is enhanced, especially for shoes. How many guys own a pair of pink heels? To answer your question, it really doesn't matter. He can confidently wear that TCU long-sleeve shirt with either black or brown. Just not white New Balance, please. Go Frogs!
Q: i love your site, and have used it as leverage to convince my fiance that certain fashion choices are good (and bad - i talked him out of a pair of oakleys because of you guys!). i just wish there was an equivalent for women that was so straightforward! any suggestions? or do you know equally fashion-forward girls you could convince to start their own site? women need fashion help too! --Stephanie
A: We've heard something about go fug yourself and we recall some lady friends talking about DailyCandy.
Frankly Stephanie, we think we're pretty good at dispensing advice to women as well, so if you or any other readers of the fairer sex have a question, we will gladly take a crack at it.
Q: I ordered a Burberry stretch cashmere sweater that looks a little too tight. It is size medium and I want to wear an MB collared white shirt under. If I pull it down so that it doesn't leave slack then it becomes tight and long. If I go to a size small it would be way too tight and be too close to the waist. If I go large then it might have too much extra slack. I can't win. Is it better to have clothing that is a little too tight or too loose. --Dennis
A: You think we do all those grueling lunges, dead lifts, and bench presses so we can hide the results underneath a baggy Burberry cashmere sweater? No sir. This is pretty simple. If you don't have any unsightly bulges then go with a little too tight vs. too loose.
Additionally, about your size dilemma: You can shape a cashmere sweater (even with a little elastane) to be about whatever size and proportion you want with some careful washing, stretching, blocking, and drying.
Q: I am planning on pooling some X-mas money together to purchase a suit (the purchase would double this MB-in-training's collection). I am looking for something that says I'm ready for the position/adventure. I've asked for gift certificates to Banana Republic from a couple people, so if you had a few suggestions, maybe you could start there. --Matt
A: Matt, for a fella who's just starting out you could do a lot worse than a Banana Republic suit. Just make sure it's a two-button version, and nothing too trendy like the 3 external jacket pockets they're showing on some of their Monogram line.
One other place you should explore before making a decision is yoox.com. They have better, more unique suits than BR for equivalent prices. Even the least expensive Banana pant-jacket combo is going to run you $475. For an additional $100 you could get into this Costume National suit (originally $1000) that would announce very clearly you're ready for the adventure, and set you apart from the competition.
Q: Do you hate the Blackberry Storm like I do? --Deborah
A: Well if you've been here for a while you know our stance on the iPhone, so you can probably guess what we think of an iPhone impersonator from the maker of the ultimate toolbag communication device. The "Storm" feels like a middle-aged dad trying to be "cool" and "hip" like his high school son/daughter, but ends up only embarassing the hell out of everyone.
Overheard at the office:
"Says here 'Upload to flickr.' What the fuck is flickr?"
Q: I have a black mock turtleneck I want to wear under a dark gray /green suit. People says it looks nice but I want to be sure... The other option is a white shirt/no tie... It is for a HS reunion....The black turtleneck is slimming which draws me to it as well. --Jeff
A: Jeff, we sense you're a new MB reader so we'll go easy on you. Are you out of your fucking mind? Ignore the "people" and wear the white shirt for chrissakes. Leave the mock turtlenecks for especially toolbaggy characters from classic Tim Burton fables. Also consider dressing down at least one notch and hopefully two. We're talking high school reunion here, not a job interview.
Q: What kind of hoodie is Will Smith wearing in Hancock and where do you get one? --Ric
A: The actual hoodie worn by Smith in the scene pictured is now for sale on eBay (auction ends Wednesday). It's a grey Russell Athletic you can get just about anywhere. As for the two-tone version he's wearing on the beach (inset), we're doing some digging.
Q: Ok shawl collar? Any comments? Steve McQueen sure did and I don't think I've ever seen a better one than on Daniel Craig in Quantum. Misguided or magnificent? --Ron
A: Ron, your question kinda leads you to the answer, don'tcha think? We've weighed in on McQueen's shawl collar sweater before. A couple oftimes. While we'd prefer Dan Craig had a woven under his Tom Ford version, we agree with your analysis.
Q: Couldn't help but notice that in Quantum of Solace, 007 has apparently lost the traditional Bond sense of humor. Is being a humorless dick the new charming? --Jude
A: If there is one thing we've learned from Season 2 of The Pickup Artist (and Season 1 also!), it's the importance of throwing negs to open sets. Unfortunately the part "New Bond" is missing is the cheeky follow-up, which invariably leads to pairs of other cheeks.
Ask any broad, dame, or lass: besides a well-endowed trust fund, there ain't no feature better than a sense of humor.
Q: What does the MB have to say about trench coats for short guys? I'm around 5'6" and looking for a new coat for the winter. --Don
A: Follow the example set by the indomitable Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther cartoons. The Pink Panther is about 6' tall, so Clouseau has to come in at around 4' (including the hat), and he goes with a shorter trench that ends above the knee.
Q: Need a good black winter coat. Got any favorites? --Tripp
A: Tripp, your email comes from Duke University, so we'll assume you're at least somewhat on a college guy's budget, and it ain't like Durham gets that nippy even in January. Anyhow, Spiewak always provides great value. For the price ($132.00) we sure like their McKenzie Coat. For a little more dough, this season Banana Republic has a surprisingly good peacoat. If you've been saving up your beer money, for whatever reason, Diesel makes Dean's List.
Q: My stylist recommended American Crew Forming Cream as a "product" to keep my do in check. However, in these tough economic times, $15 for less than four ounces of goop seems like a luxury I cannot afford. Are there cheaper alternatives to this product out there? --Ed
A: Well, you could try Twilight heartthrob and new "It" guy Robert Pattinson's approach and not wash your hair for four years. Natural oils combined with dirt provide high hold and shine!
Ed, we're going to be frank. You're getting your hair cut by a stylist -- which is likely running you a minimum of $50 plus tip -- and you're bitching about $15 for product? While we hate their shampoos, American Crew hair cream is probably our all-time favorite grooming product, and that 3.53 oz. container lasts forever. Possibly the best $15 you'll ever spend.
Q: Like the site. Love the wit. Disagree with the advice at times. Your recent comment about pants tucked into your boots will either be looked back upon as classic style genius, or out of step for 2009. Take a look at this: --Eric
A: We don't believe in following the latest fad to emerge from some blog photographing some guy on a street in NYC. Anyhow, $100 says this look is actually unaffected and the result of his jeans being too skinny to go over his goddamn boots. Christ. Yet another unsightly byproduct of the skinny trend.
Q: What do you suggest that one does with their collars when wearing a crewneck sweater? Keep them tucked in or flop them out? --Rob
A: If you are wearing a woven shirt, keep those collars in. If your shirt is a knit either way is acceptable. MB JFK tucked his in; MB William F. Buckley let his hang out.
Q: As we venture deeper into cold weather here in New York, I've noticed many guys walking around with their pants tucked into their boots. Initially, I vehemently opposed. On further consideration, I thought the look might be able to be achieved. Then upon even further thought, I dismissed it on grounds of TTH. Thoughts? --Josh
A: It's not TTH (Trying Too Hard), it's TTHTLLYS (Trying Too Hard To Look Like Yosemite Sam). Tucking your pants into your boots shortens your legs, hence making you look short. Like Yosemite Sam. Unless you're 7'+, this is asinine and be only somethin' varmits do.
Q: Clarification on the turtleneck. Surely you refer to the ribbed/knit examples you show and NOT the cotton tight-necked number we all remember from childhood winters. --Palmy
A: Paul Newman made a fairly tight-necked turtleneck work pretty well in perhaps the most famous turtleneck photo of all time. Palmy, maybe your 2nd-grade sartorial memories aren't as bad as you think.
Q: I'm not a big fan of jewelry in general, but every once in a while I get the inclination to try wearing a bracelet or dog tags. Should I ignore that inclination? --Dustin
A: We don't love the smell of accessorization in the morning.
Robert Duvall rocked the bracelet and dogs tags in a major way as Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore in Apocalypse Now. (Incidentally, he was 48 years old in this picture.) But he was in the U.S. Army, in theater, fighting the Vietnamese at the time. We're guessing you're not. For civilians we preach accessorization minimization, so go ahead and ignore that inclination.
Q: I reject the MB's stance against pinkie rings at all cost. I wear a simple, small, stainless steel one because of what it represents. I'm an engineer from Canada (ya make all the jokes you want to prove your American insecurity, eh) and it represents a solemn expression of intent, a reminder of the humanity and responsibility involved in the profession. Keep that in mind when the guy-from-out-of-town drinks you under the bar while wearing one. Plus the ring follows the MB mantra, lack of utility coinciding with obscurity. --Ethan
A: The other day we were watching a television advertisement for a national restaurant chain and witnessed a customer wearing a pinkie ring (and exhibiting PDA). The restaurant was Applebee's. Our challenge to you, Mr. smart engineer guy: calculate the degree incline of the uphill battle you're fighting.
Q: Does the MB have a white leather belt in his quiver? I have noticed a trend in fashion to don the WLB with certain styles or retro. Your take? --Stephen
A: Yessir, an MB has one of these arrows in his closet, and it's especially appropriate on the golf course/retro. It's not the easiest to pull off, but if there's doubt just think of Johnny Miller in 1976 on his way to a British Open title.
Q: I'm unclear on your turtleneck position. Are saying it was only ok in 1968 and for chaps much more MB than I'll ever be? I have a navy tall mock turtleneck (taller than a mock but not enough to fold over) that I love. Not MB? --Scott
A: We're saying McQueen, Player, and Newkirk helped make the turtleneck forever cool. If you don't have enough material to fold over, or let flop down in an artfully disheveled way, then you ought to keep it in your closet. Or perhaps burn it. Anything even veering towards mock should be avoided or you might start looking like Tiger Woods. And that ain't good.
