Some people say they'll sleep when they're dead. If you ask us, that's setting a pretty high barrier to entry for one of life's most consistent pleasures. So we'll sleep when we're fed. In fact, we work intermittently, we play languidly, but we sleep hard, night after night. And that means we're always on the lookout for a new pair of pajamas. Like this mixed set from Neiman Marcus, which offers just enough plaid, and just enough not-plaid, to keep us happy. On sale now for just $56, it's one deal you should absolutely sleep on.
Like flu doctors at the Center for Disease Control, we have been grimly monitoring worldwide onesie activity for the past year, noting national baselines, tracking geographic spreads, and conducting constant lab work to test for resistance, etc. (No animals are harmed during these experiments.)
In the past, only infants and very old people in assisted-living facilities succumbed to onesies, but a new and extremely virulent strain has surfaced in recent years. So far, outbreaks have mostly been limited to furries, Norwegians, and the occasional celebrity, but field reports from Sochi last week have us worried. Commenting in the New York Times, Olympic bobsledder Cory Butner warned, "I guarantee this is going to catch on in the States. In three months, they'll be all over the States."
As the Times story graphically documents, even Olympic-caliber athletes in prime health are starting to adopt this deadly Norwegian fashion trend and deliberately making themselves look like frumpy Teletubbies.
Our research reveals to us that the best way to inoculate yourself from the coming epidemic is to simply wear a belt. Perform this one basic task of human adult grooming every day, and your body will generate enough antibodies to naturally resist the onesies virus.
Q: Re: American Apparel Slim-Fit Pajamas. Help, MB! Neither I nor the woman I sleep with cares what I wear to bed, as it never stays on for long enough for us to form an opinion about it. What am I doing wrong? --Ben
A: Obviously, you are not having enough sex in your kitchen, on your lawn, or in the elevator at work. When we hit the sheets, we're more than ready to sleep at least 75% of the time.
Q: What do MB's wear to bed? Trying to spiff up someone I know away from some of the current "outfits" of ratty sweatshirts and the same plaid pajama pants. Thoughts??? —Jennifer
A: Style never sleeps, baby! This is why we recommend you buy your man a pair of these American Apparel California fleece slim-fit pants. Comfy as hell for sleeping -- especially now that it's chilly -- and suitable to run out for coffee and a paper, with two pockets to store the change. Rated 4 1/2 stars by American Apparel users, with one female user summing it up nicely: "Would cuddle with any boy in these!"
2 oz Bulleit bourbon
1 oz Berentzen Apfelkorn
1/8 oz Laphroaig 10-year scotch
2 dashes Angostura bitters
Combine all ingredients in a mixing glass filled with ice. Stir languidly for 28 seconds. Strain into ice-filled rocks glass.