Magnificent Bastard

Saturday, November 29, 2014

pajamas

WARNING: Onesie Virus on Verge of Turning into Epidemic

Do you want a piece of me, Tinky Winky?
Do you want a piece of me, Tinky Winky?

Like flu doctors at the Center for Disease Control, we have been grimly monitoring worldwide onesie activity for the past year, noting national baselines, tracking geographic spreads, and conducting constant lab work to test for resistance, etc. (No animals are harmed during these experiments.)

In the past, only infants and very old people in assisted-living facilities succumbed to onesies, but a new and extremely virulent strain has surfaced in recent years. So far, outbreaks have mostly been limited to furries, Norwegians, and the occasional celebrity, but field reports from Sochi last week have us worried. Commenting in the New York Times, Olympic bobsledder Cory Butner warned, "I guarantee this is going to catch on in the States. In three months, they'll be all over the States."

As the Times story graphically documents, even Olympic-caliber athletes in prime health are starting to adopt this deadly Norwegian fashion trend and deliberately making themselves look like frumpy Teletubbies.

Our research reveals to us that the best way to inoculate yourself from the coming epidemic is to simply wear a belt. Perform this one basic task of human adult grooming every day, and your body will generate enough antibodies to naturally resist the onesies virus.

We recommend our Adam Smith Cashmere belt — but any belt will do. Don't wait until it's too late. No one is 100 percent immune if they don't take proper precautions.


Ask the MB: Trouble Keeping PJs On

Ask the MB: Trouble Keeping PJs On
Q: Re: American Apparel Slim-Fit Pajamas. Help, MB! Neither I nor the woman I sleep with cares what I wear to bed, as it never stays on for long enough for us to form an opinion about it. What am I doing wrong?
--Ben


A: Obviously, you are not having enough sex in your kitchen, on your lawn, or in the elevator at work. When we hit the sheets, we're more than ready to sleep at least 75% of the time.

Ask the MB: Hannah Andersson Men's Pajamas

Ask the MB: Hannah Andersson Men's Pajamas
Q: Can you believe some guy would actually wear these?
--Jessica


A: Jessica, this is kind of a good news-bad news scenario.

The Good News: These are PJ's so the man will likely be seen only by immediate family members and perhaps the newspaper boy.

The Bad News: Hannah Andersson requires the man to send in his testicles with each purchase, which might explain why Sweden's fertility rate has declined so dramatically in the last 20 years.

Ask the MB

California Fleece Slim Fit Pant via American Apparel, $36.00
California Fleece Slim Fit Pant via American Apparel. $36.00.
Q: What do MB's wear to bed? Trying to spiff up someone I know away from some of the current "outfits" of ratty sweatshirts and the same plaid pajama pants. Thoughts???
—Jennifer


A: Style never sleeps, baby! This is why we recommend you buy your man a pair of these American Apparel California fleece slim-fit pants. Comfy as hell for sleeping -- especially now that it's chilly -- and suitable to run out for coffee and a paper, with two pockets to store the change. Rated 4 1/2 stars by American Apparel users, with one female user summing it up nicely: "Would cuddle with any boy in these!"

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Rusty Gets Nailed

An MB-updated version of the Rusty Nail (3 oz scotch / 1 oz Drambuie).

  • a healthy dose of a single malt scotch (The Macallan)
  • splash of Drambuie

Serve on the rocks with a lemon twist. An hour later roll yourself into bed (not necessarily alone).


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