Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.
Q: Those Faded Glory sneakers you linked to today are ugly, if you're looking for plimsolls grab a couple from Urban Outfitters. Thirty dollars for two pairs isn't bad.
A: We are aware of the UO plimsolls, which we agree are cheap at $30 for two pairs. But our initial correspondent mentioned that plimsolls are widely available in his native England at only 5 quid -- or about U.S. $7.50 -- so we took it as a challenge to see if we could find something very close to that price here in America. At first, our theory was that Brits must provide nationalized plimsoll coverage, just like they do with their healthcare, and that there was no way we'd be able to find a pair so cheap here. Then, we spotted the Faded Glorys for $8. Score one for the free market.
We agree that the UO plimsolls generally look better than the Faded Glorys, especially the new more expensive chambray versions ($24 a pair).
But just as with the Faded Glorys, there are strings attached to these shoes that go beyond shoelaces. We mean their apparently awful stench. Here are some excerpts from UO customer reviews:
"It has a faulty smell that comes with it."
"I suggest just putting them in your basement or something for a day or two, just to deal with the smell."
"Even after they stop smelling, if you leave them on top of a shirt or something the shirt will smell like the rubber."
"The smell of the shoes when you get them is something horrid. but spray them down with axe or something and it may cover it up."
"They reeked of chemicals, and for a week they stained my socks a a light black."
"Over all, looks great--but it is not worth the headache (literally, the smell gave me headaches)."
We know there are some pretty delicate flowers who shop at UO, but we find the sheer number of comments alarming. If you have to quarantine your shoes in the basement for a week, if the smell of Axe represents a solution and not a grave problem of its own, these are warning signs. In fact, we've noticed that the models in UO catalogs are looking even paler, skinnier, and more sickly than usual, and now we think we know why.
'I'm so depressed! If I had two heads, I could wear a hoodie too.'
I'm 5'10" 140 lbs. with a semi-athletic build. What is the best kind of jeans, shirt, hoodie and possibly hat to go for a hipster look?
A: Hat and hoodie? Do you have two heads? Because if so, 140 lbs. is really skinny.
Even if you've got just one head, we're not sure why you're wanting to go for this look. However, if you insist: spend $150 at Urban Outfitters, donate your razor blades to hairy orphans in Malawi, and you're there.
(Pictured: Cable Knit Marled Beanie, via Urban Outfitters.)
via Urban Outfitters. $199.99.
Urban Outfitters' sale page has been the pits for over a year now, however there is a gem hidden amongst the graphic tees and cheap cardigans: a J. Fold weekend bag. We're huge fans of their wallets and their bags are (almost) as cool.
via Urban Outfitters. $28.00.
Superbad's Jonah Hill is the closest thing to John Belushi since, well, John Belushi. So perhaps his faded Richard Pryor tee is this generation's equivalent to Bluto Blutarsky's blue "College" sweatshirt.
Superbad available on DVD tomorrow.
via Urban Outfitters. $34.00.
Last season Jack Spade amused us with his "Moose Love" hat (inset). Sensing the mammalian coitus theme still has some, uh, endurance, Urban Outfitters has knocked it off, adding earflaps and dubbing it the "Humping Moose" hat. Acrylic. Eeeeew!
About a year ago we spotted our first weapons shirt. Now it looks like Uzis, grenades, and .357 Magnums are cresting on the trend curve, all now available at Urban Outfitters. Given the "arms race" nature of fashion, mushroom clouds cannot be far behind.
via J. Crew. $39.50.
Q: Why are shirts made for the fat f***ers of the world and not for slim build guys. Is it still ok, not to want to have baggy clothing that makes you look as if you have just been released from prison?
A: Let's be honest. Most of the shirt-wearing public are fat f***ckers. Have you seen the latest US obesity statistics? Brands are just making what people can wear without them looking like a stuffed sausage.
However, there are companies that understand not everyone looks like Dick Cheney. Just about anything from Urban Outfitters will do, as will the entire American Apparel collection. As much as we might hate to admit it, one of our favorite shirts over the past two years is the J.Crew broken-in jersey polo. It's well-made and versatile; and with its slim cut and short sleeves, doesn't leave a single bench press to waste.
via Urban Outfitters. $9.99.
A URL for any MB is the UO sale page, sorted by "new additions." They do not fuck around with their discounts, and we like that. Take, for instance, these stylin' Stock cutoff shorts, once $39.99, now just $9.99.