Magnificent Bastard

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

scarves

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 15

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 15

It's Week 3 of Monday Morning Quarterback, a feature that combines our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style.

Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.

Jay Cutler

Passer Rating: 102.2

Dresser Rating: 63.1

Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 64.5

This week Cutler's presser dressing symbolizes his quarterback play: Occasional brilliance — scarf tied in loose "playoff tuck" style — marred by a boneheaded pick, like this skully.

EARLIER: 7 Ways to Tie a Scarf Based on the Game-Time Temperature at Lambeau Field

Geno Smith

PR: 68.6

DR: 57.3

TMBQBR: 39.3

Hanging a big, pressed woven collar outside a crewneck is a rookie mistake, as is over-accessorization. Go with either the Jets-colored boutonniere or the pocket square, not both.

EARLIER: Collar Tucking with Crewnecks. JFK and William F. Buckley

Mike Glennon

PR: 75.5

MBR: 45.3

TMBQBR: 34.2

Mike Glennon has added reading Monday Morning Quarterback to his game-day preparation. Two consecutive weeks with large jacket gapes split wide to his right, he's clearly seen a tailor to tighten his collar coverage.

Carson Palmer

PR: 100.8

DR: 29.0

TMBQBR: 29.2

Just two weeks removed from winning MB Player of the Week honors as an NFL quarterback disguised as a professor, Palmer is hit for a big loss, with the age-inappropriate tandem of hoodie and skully each recording half a sack.

EARLIER: MB ANALYTICS: Hoodie vs. Cardigan Chart

Eli Manning

PR: 31.9

DR: 59.3

TMBQBR: 18.9

Manning could've dressed like Tom Brady on his best day and still been well down the MMQB rankings due to his comically bad performance against the Seahawks. Layering is an MB principle, but that value (3) should never be exceeded by the number of interceptions (5). Nor should the number of quarter-zip mock sweaters (1) ever exceed TD passes (0).

EARLIER: Layering: A Key MB Principle

Andrew Luck

PR: 82.8

DR: 0.0

TMBQBR: 0.0

Three weeks into Monday Morning Quarterback and Andrew Luck still can't read the reporter blitz and is missing wide-open showers. Luck looks like the Geico caveman, only worse-dressed.

EARLIER: Andrew Luck Sacked Again by Blitzing Reporters

New Feature: 7 Ways to Tie a Scarf Based on the Game-Time Temperature at Lambeau Field

Pictured: Step 2 of 'The Playoff Tuck'
Pictured: Step 2 of 'The Playoff Tuck'
Our beloved GBP is 8-0 and we'd like to introduce Anna — decked out in a vintage Ashwaubenon high-school Packers cheerlearder uniform — as your guide to scarf tying based on the game-time temperature at Lambeau Field.

The Drape — 45° - 50°
The Red Baron — 40° - 44°
The Once-Around — 35° - 39°
The Ascot — 30° - 34°
The Parisian — 20° - 29°
The Once-Around Ascot — 10° - 19°
The Playoff Tuck — < 10°

Check it out.

Ask the MB: Tom Petty's Sunglasses (and Scarf)

Ask the MB: Tom Petty's Sunglasses (and Scarf)
Q: Any idea what kind of sunglasses Tom Petty's wearing in this picture? I really like their simplicity.
—Steve


A: We're not sure of Petty's exact make or model, but you can approximate this look with the Allyn Scura Legend — an MB favorite — with brown lenses. These are also favored by Bradley Cooper in the A-Team, and also when he's off camera.

Meanwhile, you didn't ask, but we couldn't help but notice Petty's scarf has a message for our readers. It's saying, "Don't do me like that!"

We know this is a signature look for Petty, but if you ask us, what it says is, 'I've been waiting for the Sundance Catalog to add an ascot page for years, but still no luck. I'll guess I'll use this scarf. And, uh, how do you tie an ascot again? Well, this is sort of close, right?"

Next week, we're posting a scarf-tying guide that will feature 7 ways to tie one. The Petty won't be on the list.

Martin Kaymer's Extreme Neckwear Malfunction

Martin Kaymer's Extreme Neckwear Malfunction
When it's a little chilly on the first tee, we recommend a white cotton turtleneck. When it's downright cold, a cashmere version like this flannel grey Harrison* (on deep discount) should do the trick. When it's snowing, as it was at the Accenture Match Play Championship in Tucson this weekend, we suggest you book a flight to somewhere where it's not snowing and play there. (There are plenty of nice courses in Maui, where it shouldn't start snowing until at least 2013.)

Whatever you do, though, never wear what Martin Kaymer, the world's newly crowned top-ranked player, was wearing this weekend. On Sunday's broadcast, we learned the hideous scarf-like accessory assaulting his neck is a UV Fishing Buff by artist and retired Florida Keys fishing guide Vaughn Cochran.

The UV Fishing Buff is made from Coolmax Extreme fabric and features a black fly fishing lure pattern that we're pretty sure is guaranteed to actually repel oysters and mollusks, not to mention creatures with actual eyes. The only time to wear such a thing is if you're skippering the S.S. Toolbag. Never ever wear one a golf course.

* Harrison's quality is as variable as Bubba Watson's golf swing. Some of their sweaters are our favorites; others barely make the Vietnam Veterans clothing donation bin. Inspect carefully before committing.

Ask the MB: Football Game Outfit -- Woman Edition

Ask the MB: Football Game Outfit -- Woman Edition
Q: This is a question for Spectacular Bitch, but since she's making us wait, like, forever ... I'd like your opinion on what to wear to Lambeau on Thursday night. I'll be in a suite with business partners so a cheese bra is out of the question. Please advise.
--Kelly


A: In lieu of the cheese bra (save that for November 7th against Dallas, when we'll be there) here's an effortless, SB-appropriate outfit for a cool August night:

* TOP: Splendid Whisper Draped Top
. With come-hither look. $55 via shopbop.com.

* BOTTOM: Your favorite pair of designer denim. We like AG if you've got it, Hudson if it's going a little south.

* FOOTWEAR: Sandals, with toes in buff or nude.

* WINNING SB ACCESSORY: Super long and slimming and green Chan Luu crinkle fringe scarf. $95 via saksfifthavenue.com.

Go, Pack, Go!

MB Follow-up: Cashmere Scarf

MB Follow-up: Cashmere Scarf
I wanted to update you on my efforts to knit the perfect scarf. You were kind enough to obtain the dimensions of the SOH Cashmere Scarf so that I could knit it for my dear son. I found the ideal cashmere yarn and have just finished the last stitch of scarf. My son will be celebrating his 25th birthday on Saturday and this will be a truly fitting gift to commemorate his quarter-century mark.

With sincere thanks, Bonnie


A: That truly warms our hearts, Bonnie. Now, if you enter our MB Cocktail Contest and submit an entry that your son will be proud to order in any bar in America, you will truly be en route to winning Mom of the Year!

Ask the MB: Scarf Dimensions

Ask the MB: Scarf Dimensions
Q: My son desperately wants the SOH Cable Hand-Knit scarf, which I absolutely cannot afford. I can, however, knit extremely well. Is there any chance you might know the dimensions of the SOH Cable Hand-Knit Scarf? My son may not be a bastard, but he is absolutely magnificent, and he would be even more magnificent wearing that scarf.
--Bonnie


A: Bonnie, a note of caution: Extravagantly doting on your son is one of the surest ways to turn him into a toolbag. But at least you're not just handing him your Bergdorf Goodman card and telling him to shop until until he gets hungry for a sandwich, which you will lovingly prepare. The SOH scarf is 72" x 12". Good luck and please use only the finest Mongolian cashmere.

MB Endorses: SOH Cable Hand-Knit Scarf

SOH Cable Hand-Knit Scarf via Pamela Robbins, $380.00
SOH Cable Hand-Knit Scarf via Pamela Robbins. $380.00.
At least once in a man's life, he should buy a scarf that costs more than the most expensive suit at Men's Warehouse. We recommend the new 70 cashmere/ 30 superfine merino wool cable hand-knit scarf from new designer Song Oh. It takes more than a week to knit each piece. A Men's Warehouse suit takes like 18 minutes to assemble, tops.

This beauty is available exclusively at Pamela Robbins in Scarsdale, NY. And we also have a handy guide on how to achieve the "lofty wrap" look. SOH hand-knit cable scarf

What Not to Do: Look Like Slade from Bravo's Date My Ex

What Not to Do: Look Like Slade from Bravo's <em>Date My Ex</em>
Yes, we've got Bravo on full-time in the MB office, partially because it's The Toolbag Channel. The examples of what not to do are irresistable. Like Slade from Date My Ex. Shiny gold watch, shiny gold ring, and that scarf epitomizes TTH (Trying Too Hard). MBs can safely avoid all three things (and the hand gesturing, too).

POURCAST

BETA

Boulevardier

  • 1 1/2 oz bourbon
  • 1 oz Campari
  • 1 oz sweet vermouth, preferably Carpano Antica

Stir over ice, strain into a chilled cocktail glass, and garnish with a cherry.


In-Depth Boulevardier Coverage:

MB Holiday Cocktail Guide

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