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Monday, September 1, 2014

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Monday Morning Quarterback Week 14

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 14

It's Week 2 of Monday Morning Quarterback, a feature that combines our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style.

Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.

Perhaps due to bad weather at many NFL stadiums, this week there was only bad quarterbacking behind the podium.

Eli Manning

PR: 72.3

DR: 35.6

TMBQBR: 25.7

That collar is about to engulf Eli's face like a stunting defensive end, and the problem is magnified by the tiny, out-of-proportion knot that looks like it's suffering from a groin injury. While he shrares the Toner Cartridge Salesman look of his older brother, at least Peyton generally gets the proportions right.

Earlier: Peyton Manning, Toner Cartridge Salesman

Matt Cassell

Passer Rating: 86.0

Dresser Rating: 29.0

Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 24.9

Four years as Tom Brady's backup in New England, and the man apparently only learned how to read coverages, not collars. Cassell's collar is so horizontal it has less of an angle than the earth's horizon. His jacket gape is big enough for Adrian Peterson to run through. And we fear some eight-year-old fan is searching for his prized beanie right now. For all this, Cassell is this week's winner of the Most Ridiculous Postgame Presser Outfit award.

Earlier: The Incredible Shrinking Collar

Philip Rivers

PR: 137.4

DR: 17.3

TMBQBR: 23.8

After just two weeks doing Monday Morning Quaterback, we have our first record: Most Consecutive Weeks Wearing a Plaid Shirt That Looks Like It Came From Blouse Barn. If Philip Rivers' quarterbacking was this consistent, the Chargers could get into the playoffs.

Earlier: Philip Rivers' Ugly Week 13 Shirt

Mike Glennon

PR: 40.4

MBR: 45.3

TMBQBR: 18.3

It looks like Shaggy has added a razor to his post-game plan. We like his committment to mastering the fundamentals. Next step: Retaining the services of a tailor. That's the same ill-fitting jacket he had on last week, and he's getting the same bad results: a pronounced gape on his throwing shoulder. Once he masters that, we'll start working on his tie-reading skills.

Earlier: Mike Glennon Should Watch Namath Postgame Film

Andrew Luck

PR: 113.1

DR: 5.5

TMBQBR: 6.2

Last week, blitzing reporters caught Andrew Luck by complete surprise. This week, he once again shows poor post-game clock management. But at least it looks like he's thinking about taking a shower.

Earlier: Andrew Luck Sacked by Blitzing Reporters

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Lightly shake, or aggressively stir, ingredients with ice, pour into chilled martini glass. Garnish with lemon twist or a blonde.


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