Magnificent Bastard

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 13

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 13

Combining our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style, we present the first in a regular series.

Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.

Carson Palmer

Passer Rating: 85.6

Dresser Rating: 158.3 (highest rating possible)

Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 134.6

NFL quarterback or professor at University of Phoenix (if they had professors)? Palmer is the MB Player of the Week thanks to his unstructured, heartily-lapeled corduroy blazer and studied artful dishevelment. This is how we dress.

EARLIER: Tom Ford on the Great Lapel Width Debate

Tom Brady

PR: 104.8

DR: 120.5

TMBQBR: 126.3

Tie width perfectly echos the jacket's lapels. Nicely dimpled four-in-hand knot askew 10°. "90°" collar (more on this later). He's tough to beat, but Palmer edged him out yesterday.

EARLIER: Tom Ford on the Great Tie Width Debate

Ryan Fitzpatrick

PR: 47.2

DR: 98.3

TMBQBR: 46.4

We admire Fitzpatrick because he was doing the lumberjack, er, lumberback for years before the look was in vogue. And because he recorded the highest-ever Wonderlic score by a quarterback. Yet he shows the pitfalls involved in wearing a machine-washed fused-collar shirt, and his lapels need to hit the weight room.

Peyton Manning

PR: 118.2

DR: 35.6

TMBQBR: 42.1

Currently a pitchman for middlebrow brands Buick and Papa John's, with this dated, generic, and ill-fitting look we see Men's Wearhouse in Manning's endorsement future.

Mike Glennon

PR: 73.5

DR: 25.6

TMBQBR: 18.8

Who put Shaggy in a suit? MB coaching tip: If you bear a striking resemblance to a 1970s cartoon character, avoid Peyton Manning's "Toner Cartridge Sales Rep" look and go for a post-game look with a little more grooviness, like this.

Philip Rivers

PR: 80.0

DR: 21.3

TMBQBR: 17.0

After last week's 127.3 rating and a ridiculously great Western costume including bolo tie, Rivers follows it up with this blousey pastel, logoed plaid. His attire is as inconistent as his play.

Andrew Luck

PR: 59.4

DR: 0.0

TMBQBR: 0.0

A rattled-looking Andrew Luck is caught off-guard by blitzing reporters. If you can't even manage to shower before the press shows up, you are not managing the fifth quarter game-clock well.

POURCAST

BETA

Old Fashioned

  • 1 raw sugar cube
  • 2 dashes Angostura bitters
  • 3 oz bourbon

On bottom of Old Fashioned glass (what else?) dribble bitters on sugar cube. Muddle. Fill with ice, then with bourbon. Garnish with lemon twist. No, not a thick orange wedge, handful of cherries, or a cup of fruit salad. A simple lemon wedge.


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