Q: Being a younger MB in training (think college) whenever I'm around my mom she bitches about how wrinkled my shirts are, no matter how pressed they are. Now, please don't mock me too much for mommy problems, but I want your take. Are wrinkles ever appropriate? --Tyler
Do you think Rose Kennedy got on John's case for wearing this shirt on the beaches of Hyannis Port? Unlikely, probably because a.) she had like 7 or 8 other kids to deal with, and b. JFK knew to enough to tell his maid to pull that woven out of the dryer right before the timer ended, easily achieving the precise amount and depth of rumple.
Q: I need your help with the issue of cuffed/rolled up jeans. I see it around a lot and admit to liking the look. Is it MB? If so, what type of jeans are ideal? How wide of a cuff? A single roll or two? --Jeff
A: Unless you're flying through the air on a motorcycle at at least 70 MPH, cuffing can be extremely dangerous. Thus, we pretty much only do it when it's at least 70 degrees outside and we're within walking distance of a major body of water.
Like the Snickers bar and the Belstaff jacket, Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars were a near-perfect design right from the start, requiring only minor tweaking to attain icon status. Then, someone at Converse decided Chucks were essentially Etch-a-Sketches with slightly less arch support, and over the past few years, we've seen their timeless simplicity assaulted more brutally than Sylvester Stallone in the last fifteen minutes of a Rocky flick. Freakish mutations, hideous graphics -- there is no end to the indignities this classic, unassuming shoe has been made to suffer in the name of fashion.
Now, Converse has introduced the Chuck Taylor All-Star Slim line, which, like Michael Jackson's seventh nose job, appears to be a nearly invisible twist on an already unnecessary alternative, the Chuck Taylor All-Star Light. We say enough is enough. Like Liv Tyler, Chucks just look right a little chunky, and we wouldn't have them any other way.
Q: Hey guys: I am really liking the Allyn Scura site a lot - thanks for the tip about the Apollos. Could you give a recommondation about a style and color/colors that you like in the sunglass section?
Love the site. --Tim
A: Tim, without knowing a little more about your style, it's a little like asking us what kind of car to buy. However, one thing even capitalists and communists can agree on: A pair of tortoiseshell sunglasses with a nice, substantial frame never go out of style. And Allyn Scura has a pair that can make you look like a Greek shipping magnate without having to divert too many funds from your socialized healthcare program. They're $40.
(From top: Aristotle Onassis, Fidel Castro, Sant'Angelo II 907.)
Q: What's MB's stance on chest hair grooming? Obviously a shaved chest is unacceptable but chest hair run rampant seems less than magnificent. I tend to trim mine short using a buzzer but this seems like the most favorable alternative to an unbecoming chest. Any suggestions would be appreciated. --Brandon
A: Not to hedge, but this all depends on the amount and type of chest hair growth. The 40 Year-Old Virgin clearly needed to "wax that Teen Wolf thing right out," as his pal Jay rightly put it. Besides wearing film's best-looking suit, Cary Grant also sports one of film's best-looking, artfully disheveled chests in North by Northwest. (Incidentally, he's 55 years old in this picture.) If you just have a few unsightly stragglers poking out from around your nipples, go for the laser. It hurts like wax but after a few treatments they're gone forever, and you're ready for a Dolce & Gabbana shoot.
If anyone can, it's Robert Pattinson, seen here on the cover of the March 2010 Details. We certainly hope he fails, and he likely will. Two years later, this is still a look an MB can safely avoid.
Q: I was looking for a place to buy a pair of sunglasses like the ones that the character Tony D'Annunzio from Caddyshack wears to the pool. I saw you put them as an example in one of your answers but I can't seem to find where I could buy a pair, or something like them and I was wondering if you knew of a place? --James
A: Was Tony D'Annunzio The Situation before The Situation?
We cannot determine the exact make or model of D'Annunzio's sunglasses. (If you know, let us know.) The closest we think you're going to get -- and it's pretty close -- is vintage I Ski reflectors like the ones 44 is wearing (inset) before he turned into the most powerful toolbag on earth. These always turn up on eBay or vintage eyewear sites.
Normally, we don't endorse breaking up with your your clothes on the red carpet. But there is one exception: If it looks like you borrowed your fat uncle's shiniest suit, going full McConaughey may be the lesser of two evils. Nice call, Situation!
Q: Should an aspiring MB apply the polo shirt N-2 buttoning policy to sport shirts? Should one ever wear such a shirt with only the very top button unbuttoned, or would this be an example of toolbaggery? --Russell
A: Unfortunately that simple formula does not apply to sport shirts because there are other factors at work, like button spacing, collar shape and size, and abundance (or, preferably, absence) of chest hair. In other words, it depends.
But to illustrate where we lean, take a look at a TBT (Typical Bravo Toolbag) at the top with two unbuttoned, and MB icon Paul Newman in a western -- a shirt almost demanding N-2 -- with just the top button unbuttoned.
Q: I'm definitely on board with tucking in your sport shirts (I don't like Bravo, either). But I've been wearing sport shirts under sweaters a lot recently, and was wondering about the protocol on the sport shirt underneath. Tucked or not? --Christopher
A: First of all, we love Bravo, just not the guys who give the dudes on Jersey Shore a run for their toolbaggery.
Second, the tuck rule still applies for shirts underneath a sweater. I.e., if your shirt is designed to be untucked, go for it; if it's designed to be tucked, tuck it. This way you'll achieve the desired artfully disheveled shirt-barely-peeking-out look as demonstrated here by Joseph Gordon-Levitt in (500) Days of Summer.
Ed. note:(500) Days of Summer is the best romantic comedy we've seen since Annie Hall. OK, maybe it's the only romantic comedy we've seen since Annie Hall. Anyhow, the only thing better than the flick (just by a whisker) is the soundtrack that includes tunes from The Smiths, Hall and Oates, and Spectacular Bitch par excellence Carla Bruni.
Q: What's the difference between artful dishevelment and not trying? I can't seem to get the technique down, because I either end up looking like a slob or I'm trying too hard. Please enlighten me, MB. --Mike
A: Mike, for questions like these, Nick Nolte usually has the answers.
Q: MB Gods, my question is about sunglasses, specifically color. What's your stance on white sunglasses on men? I occasionally see them on pro snowboarders or surfers and they seem to pull it off but the guys I see on the streets in white shades are always toolbag-ish. Partly because they are either Oakleys, really big frames, or both. But mainly because, well...they're white! So white shades: Mag-Bastardly or Toolbaggy? --Kasper
A: Neither MB or TB, more like TTH. The fictional character Max Headroom was able to pull them off, as did Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, but he also successfully wore girls' cardigans, fingernail polish, and even made suicide seem cool. Similar to our answer to a question about pulling off a white blazer, if you have to ask, don't try.
Q: As a top-flight plain clothes supervisor in a major southern police department, this question must be asked: Holster on the belt or go with the shoulder holster? I feel pretty good about my overall MB status but this one keeps me awake. I like the convenience of the belt holster but really feel like the shoulder rig is the only real MB choice for those of us in a suit. Your call - just the right call for the classic MB police style or just trying too hard (TTH)? --Ray
A: Our call is that it's the right call. The MB plain clothes cops we know -- Virgil Tibbs, Harry Callahan, Jack Cates -- all choose the shoulder holster and for good reason: it hides the pistol's bulk beneath your jacket (form), and also allows for a quick draw (function) as demonstrated by Sydney Poitier in 1970's They Call Me MISTER Tibbs!.
Q: Hi MB: What kind of sunglasses is Ewan McGregor wearing in Men Who Stare at Goats? Liking that look for my husband. --Sue
A: Ewan McGregor is wearing the iconic Randolph Engineering Aviator HGU4/P in gold with grey lenses. These sunglasses were also worn by Col. Kilgore (Robert Duvall) in Apocalypse Now. Go with the bayonet temples for the full effect.
Q: No facial hair? Ever? So how do explain Brian Austin Green nabbing Megan Fox? George Clooney and Elisabetta? Pitt and Jolie? Surely these guys aren't toolbags. If they are, I have no chance at all.
About the couples you mention: Megan Fox (age 23) probably had a crush on Brian Austin Green (age 36) since she was 10 and he was on 90210. George Clooney is rich, famous, and handsome. Any one of those three is usually enough. Angelina Jolie? Ick!
Q: Though there have been many a discussion on jeans, whether white, distressed, old or young, what is the MB's take on black jeans? Not too black, not too gray? What is the best course of action, or stay clear all together? --Todd C.
A: We're not going to tell you not to wear black jeans. But we stay clear because we only see them fully successful when worn on stage. And none of us can sing a lick.
Q: When is the MB going to address whether to burn or wear proudly the Tiger Woods golf clothing attire? --Jeff
A: Our policy has always been to burn Tiger Woods golfing attire whenever you encounter it. If someone's actually wearing it, though, call out "Fore!" before you start lighting any matches.
Q: I shave my head, due to hair loss, and feel that it detracts from your artfully disheveled standards. Are there any general rules for us smooth-domed MB wannabes that I should be following? --Dan
A: Dan, you said you shave your head, but how often do you shave? We ask because in our opinion, the fully shaved look (aka the Savalas) as a can't-miss cure for baldness is ultimately about as can't-miss as Rogaine or Propecia -- it doesn't always work as advertised. If you're Michael Jordan, go for it. If not, well, just look at Jack (top) -- suddenly one of the world's coolest dudes looks like a bigger toolbag than Joe the Plumber.
Our advice: when you shave, leave enough stubble to make your wife/girlfriend think twice about asking for special favors. Then, don't shave again until you start worrying about the impact wind/hats are having on your hair. The more hair you have left on top, the more frequently you'll have to shave. When you're looking like Jackson Pollock (bottom), you're looking just right. When you're looking like Larry Fine (inset), you've let it go too far.
Like Don Draper, Tiger Woods has great taste in wives. Like Bill Clinton, he's got awful taste in mistresses. Seriously, we haven't seen this much toolbag arm candy since we were backstage at a Mötley Crüe reunion show a couple years ago. (Don't ask.)
Check their resumes, and we're betting 85% of them are Girls Gone Wild alumnae, classes of, oh, 1999-2002.
MB's #1 rule for picking mistresses: Do not count on a woman with fake boobs, fake nails, and fake hair color to be discrete.
MB's #2 rule for picking mistresses: If more than 50% of your side dishes have stripper names (Jaimee, Kalika, Cori, etc.), make sure you have a bulletproof pre-nup.
Top: Tiger signals his intent to spawn by taping large salmon to chest. The ladies love it!
1. Rachel Uchitel 2. Jaimee Grubbs 3. Kalika Moquin 4. Mindy Lawton. (We don't get this one. Is it possible she's banging some other guy named Tiger Woods?) 5. Jamie Jungers 6. Cori Rist 7. Holly Sampson 8. Artist depiction of Mistress #8. You know she's coming any minute, along with #9, #10 ... soon he'll have 18 holes.
(Memo to Jon Gosselin: Step up your game, because it looks like Tiger wants your Toolbag of the Millenium crown, and you know there's no one more clutch when a title is on the line.)
A: This is part of the Fall 2009 Tom Ford collection, who we believe to be the greatest living menswear designer. Available at his stores (furrowed brow extra). Best bet: the one at 845 Madison Ave.
* Wear shirt that's darker than jeans. (Far preferable to the opposite.)
* Roll sleeves up past elbows.
* Scowl, contemplate kicking photographer's ass.
* Be Clint Eastwood.
Q: The top or bottom button on a 2 button suit. MB can you settle a debate on button etiquette? We have always been told NOT to use the bottom button on any jackets? Is it ever appropriate to a.) use both buttons on a 2 button jacket? b.) use only the bottom button on a 2 button jacket? --Dave
A: There are only two occasions when it's OK to button both buttons on a jacket: during your wedding vows or during your oath of office. And never only button the bottom button. Even a total schlub like Nixon, in complete disgrace, in a crappy Windsor knot and flag pin, knew to only button the top one.
Q: I was talking to my girlfriend today about MB and she mentioned that she wished there was a version of MB for women. I was curious as to whether you folks had ever thought about finding some fabulous ladies to run a sister site with a similar style? --Mark
A: Funny you should ask, Mark. We're diligently working on our sister site, spectacularbitch.com. Okay, we're not diligently working on it. But we're working on it. Check back in in early 2010, and we should at least have the website equivalent of Carla Bruni's top. In other words, not a lot of substance, perhaps, but loads and loads of style.
Yesterday the New York Timesprofiled Rent the Runway, dubbed "A Netflix model for haute couture." A couple of thoughts:
1. As if to minimize skepticism about how a frequently mailed dress will hold up over time, co-founder Jennifer Hyman (left) models a dress that has been clearly run over by a FedEx truck and still looks great!
Yes, we know there are 991 years until the year 3000. But does anyone really believe it's too early to declare Jon Gosselin Toolbag of the Millenium?
Death before dishonor. Dishonor before taste.
Totally about to kick the shit out of a car with his awesome business casual fighting skills. Or maybe doing the robot.
Apparently it hurts to wear this shirt almost as much as it hurts to look at it.
Flawless cigarette positioning completely destroyed by the fact that he's riding the world's only Oakley-branded lawnmower.
Toolbag Hold 'Em: I'll see your camo pants, and your beer gut, and your stupid hand gesture, and your lame backward Fred cap, and raise you a completely ridiculous bro-face!
Three-step plan to camouflage your bald spot: 1) Borrow Tommy Lee's belt. 2) Accessorize with Urkel's cell phone holster. 3) Go full frontal muffin top.
Using only the power of his mind, the Toolbag of the Millenium attempts to destroy the timeless style of the plain white tee.
We were looking through images on Google and found the Magnificent Bastard that puts all others to shame.
See exhibit A and B. We can't help but notice Albert Einstein's artful dishevelment and dignified countenance. In short: too bastardly for us to compete with. Also, we noticed the tuxedo collar is used with a high sense of class. What is your opinion on this Magnificent Bastard?
With Awe,
Zach and Jon
A: In theory, Einstein should qualify as an MB. But while we don't know much about physics, we do know that artful dishevelment does not mean being so preoccupied with quantized atomic vibrations that you don't realize you've put on your wife's shorts and sandals instead of your own. Sorry, Albert!
In this week's People, Michael Lohan, Lindsay Lohan's father, provides further confirmation of a style truth: mock turtleneck under blazer is toolbag galore.
Q: Two part Q, if that's ok. First - and please excuse the ignorance - I purchased a suit with the hopes of having it tailored to a slim fit (along these lines). Is that possible if the suit is not originally in that mold (it fits more so in this manner)? I have had it taken in a bit in the torso, however, I'd like the sleeves thinned out (narrower) and the shoulders to be less wide, rather more fitted to me. So I wasn't sure if the tailor was limited in ability or correct in saying that was not possible. With that comes the second part. Would MB happen to know who that suit (Roger Sterling plaid suit) is by/what style that would fall under exactly? Thanks a lot. I really appreciate all the help. --Carlos
A: Carlos: First, your tailor is wrong. Anything can be tailored to your specifications. But stop throwing good money after bad. The suit you bought (upper left) has three buttons and therefore is not what you're going for. Second, the Roger Sterling (played by John Slattery) suit in the photograph (upper right) is by D&G and it retailed for $1,425 in August 2008. Third, Brooks Brothers has a Mad Men Edition suit designed by the show's costume designer, Janie Bryant (bottom). Finally, we have a very strict rule at magnificentbastard.com, and we hope you take it under consideration: once a TV show look is available at Brooks Brothers, it's officially post-peak.
Q: Dear MB: I am writing to get your official position on a matter that arose last night between my girlfriend and I regarding sweaters: V-neck or crewneck? My girl (who claims she knows her stuff with clothing) told me to go with a crewneck and steer clear of v-necks if I am wearing a collared shirt underneath, as the V-neck would not be appropriate. I, on the otherhand, I prefer the v-neck and don't care for the crewneck, as it reminds me too much of those John McCain sport coat-sweater-tie combos that he was running around in last fall (sort of an older man's look to me). Does MB have an official preference for v-neck or crewneck sweaters, or am I just a dumb bastard for not listening to my girl? --Ryan
A: We agree with you and not your girl. When Paul Newman died last year, we cited his v-neck-woven shirt combination as his life's greatest achievement. And just look at James Dean in a v-neck and woven. This is artful dishevelment defined.
As a side note, John McCain typically did do the coat-sweater-tie combo until, hopelessly behind late in the campaign, tried the v-neck look with disastrous results.
Q: I'm prone to rocking the Canadian tuxedo more than most, but I've always been under the impression that the key was pairing a washed out jacket with new, crisp jeans, or vice versa OR just rocking them with different colors altogether. But lately I've been told that the denim should match as closely as possible. I think this looks like a boiler suit, or maybe a denim onesie. What's your opinion? --Robert
A: First, we should note that funny questions always move to the front of the line. Second, we're not opposed to you "rocking" the Canadian tuxedo, but know that the degree of difficulty is extremely high. For every Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain there are 100 Neil Diamonds on the album cover for "Hot August Night." (And yes we know we just recommended a gay cowboy over a vintage Jewish mega-stud, but fashion's fashion.)
Q: Is Roger Federer a Magnificent Bastard? --Cosgrove
A: In the past there's been a lot to place Federer firmly in MB territory. He doesn't sweat, he doesn't grunt like an animal on every groundstroke, and even when he gets destroyed (see 2008 French vs. Nadal) he's so graceful it looks like he's actually winning.
But the last year has given us pause. He cried like a baby at the Australian, looked like a waiter at Wimbledon, and last night whined about the foolproof electronic line calling system after losing to a Slam finals rookie who dresses like The Karate Kid.
A: We think boat shoes are fine, but encourage you to wear them only if you're actually on a boat or headed toward one. As for specifics, we all know the default choice when talk turns to boat shoes. Paul Sperry invented the category in 1935; the Top-Sider is an American classic. But so is Donald Trump and we don't want him anywhere near our feet. We don't feel quite so strongly about Top-Siders ... we've even given them a conditional thumbs-up in the past. But if you're in the market for something whose style is a little more amphibious, check out these Puma Decker slip-ons. We also like the Harrys of London Blake in dark tan, which is to the Top-Sider what ScarJo is to Marilyn Monroe, a more streamlined update to a tried-and-true design.
Q: How should an MB tie his trench coat belt? I really don't like the way people buckle it at the back. And not having a belt doesn't seem like a good choice either. --Cole
A: If your trench coat comes with a belt (and that's OK but we prefer beltless) there is only one way to tie it: in an artfully disheveled double knot just like the MB's MB.
Q: I know your policy on tucking in polo shirts, but how about t-shirts? Marlon Brando had them tucked in in A Streetcar Named Desire, but I believe he was wearing undershirts. Is this something that can be pulled off? --Dave
A: While the current dominant style is untucked, we think you can tuck if you like, and Marlon Brando, James Dean, and Steve McQueen agree with us. A couple of other thoughts on the matter:
* Any t-shirt that makes it into your wardrobe should look good untucked as well as tucked. In other words, if you're tucking because your t-shirt is too long or too wide at the bottom, you should demote that t-shirt to garage rag.
* Take a close look at Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire and you'll see he's actually demonstrating the MB-endorsed artfully disheveled tuck. (Avoid the rip, though -- that's a little too Flashdance.)
This is Mr. Pitt as seen on the cover of the current People magazine. All he needs is a little longer hair, a white Russian moustache, and a peed-on rug that really tied the room together.
Very MB: 40-year-old Hugh Jackman showing up at the Teen Choice Awards with biceps twice the size of Robert Pattinson's legs.
Not so MB: A pit stain the size of Lake Tahoe. This ample lady doesn't seem to mind (too much), but a Disney startlet could drown in that thing. Stay away, Miley!
We'll cut the kid some slack since he's just 17 years old, but Twilight star Taylor Lautner needs to work on his footwear. Spotted in LAX yesterday on the way to shoot Eclipse, Lautner demonstrates acceptable shirt length and sleeve rolling, but then wrecks the ensemble with a pair of Florsheim-ish dress shoes it looks like he borrowed from his dad's closet.
A: If by "all the celebrities" you mean Twilight series star Robert Pattinson, then you're right. He doesn't leave home without them. But just like Pattinson is at peak, so are the Ray-Ban Clubmaster, and you want to stay on the left side of the trend curve.
Upon returning to Alaska after last November's defeat, Sarah Palin was criticized for not boning up on policy and generally just not bothering to learn stuff, like how many stars are on the American flag. Well those critics are wrong! Case in point: When you have a case of mom-ass (inset) that can't be handled with the right pair of denim, best just cover it up with a jacket, as she demonstrated yesterday at the annual Governor's Picnic in Fairbanks, Alaska.
Q: I'm in an upcoming wedding, and we're wearing pocket squares. Any suggestions on how to fold those suckers like an MB? --Mike
A: Mike, we've covered this before and stand by the advice given: apply Occam's Razor and keep it simple with either a one-point or flat fold. Even moreso for a wedding because those photographs have a way of lingering on mantles, walls, side tables, and Facebook -- and those two options have best stood the test of time.
Top: Ol' Blue Eyes with some youthful indiscretion.
Bottom: More mature Sinatra goes artfully disheveled, timeless.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 reality TV star Jon Gosselin (32) was recently seen in St. Tropez with new squeeze Hailey Glassman (22) and "fashion designer" Christian Audigier. He was appropriately decked out in a signature Audigier shirt (pictured) which is only 2 skulls short of being the ugliest piece of clothing we've ever seen.
The French designer is possibly the greatest single contributor to what we've decided to refer to as neo-toolbagism, designing for or working on brands like Affliction, Von Dutch (remember the Von Dutch hat?), Ed Hardy, and his namesake Christian Audigier.
Crocs isn't dead. Yet. The company/product that created more fashion casualties than Zubaz and parachute pants combined is determined to take at least one more victim with it on the way down. The Washington Postreports that the company, which has been on the verge of bankruptcy for weeks, says it has gotten George Clooney to agree to "work with the company." But asking Clooney to save Crocs is like asking an ant to bang an elephant. It's not the elephant that's going to get crushed when the relationship doesn't work out.
We've previously been critical of Robert Pattinson's fashion-victim look, but on the set of Remember Me, he's giving a clinic on how to properly select and wear an untucked sport shirt. (Sleeves could be rolled a bit higher, however.)
'Lance, I bet you can't wait to get out there. See, you can break both ways. One guy can break right, one left simultaneous. What do you think of that?'
Q: What brand and model of sunglasses does Robert Duvall's character, Col. Kilgore, wear in Apocalypse Now? Searching for those for a while and can't figure them out. --Jason
A: We had a strong hunch they were Randolph Engineering aviators, and after contacting their marketing department yesterday, confirmed it. They're $99 and available here. But fair warning: these really work best for Col. and above.
(See previous post regarding Kilgore's slightly less-successful dogtag and bracelet accessorization.)
Q: Really enjoying your site. What's your view on facial hair? Specifically, the perpetual five o'clock shadow? I realize we are well past the days of Miami Vice, but I think you can be MB if you keep it neat (figuratively speaking) and pair it with an appropriate contrast (e.g. with a suit). --AP
A: AP, we see where you're going with the contrast idea, but consider this: the reason why Don Johnson never quite looked right is that he was otherwise so perfectly styled -- you can practically smell his cologne from this photograph -- that the five o'clock shadow looked affected. Any man who can find time for highlights can certainly find time to shave.
It works for Jason Statham, on the other hand, because it looks like he probably slept in those clothes, and reeks of cigarette smoke, bourbon, and possibly blood. Our recommendation: if you are absolutely nowhere near a razor blade for long enough to acquire stubble, then it's permitted (e.g. hostage situatons, elevator breakdowns, desert island plane wrecks.) Otherwise, shave or carry a big gun wherever you go, so it's clear you're not a gigolo.
Q: My inner caveman has to ask: is it ever appropriate to wear clothing or accessories with animal-print patterns? --Pierlo
A: Roy is wearing gallons of hair gel, approximately $30,000 worth of unconvincing plastic surgery, and a couple of blinged-out crosses even MC Hammer would dismiss as tacky, and you know what? His jacket is still the worst thing in this picture. Which is all you need to know about wearing animal-print patterns. We do endorse wearing animals, however -- but not on your face, while they're still alive.
Q: I really like the glasses Brad Pitt wears in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and was wondering if you knew where to get a pair of similar looking specs. --Michael
A: Pitt's character is wearing an old P3 wire frame (a.k.a. Marshwood). It was at peak popularity in the 1930s and 40s. All the big american frame companies had a version during that time (American Optical, Artcraft, Bausch & Lomb, Shuron), so you will easily be able to find them on eBay or your local antique store. Besides Benjamin Button, Lennon and Truman are among past prominent wearers of this style.
Q: Here's the plan: my friends and I have rented out a house in Nosara, Costa Rica for a month. We will all be surfing. What style is appropriate for:
a) Pre surfing?
b) when surfing? (we are beginners)
c) post surfing?
We are all in our early to mid twenties (23-24 years old). Thanks a lot for any suggestions MB! --Eric
A: Eric, we think you're planning at least one too many costume changes -- you're going surfing, not performing in a Cher concert (she'll be at Ceasars in September). 5-7" inseam boardshorts are what's needed here for all three scenarios (see our swimsuit length graphic). Except for the apres surf we'd recommend pairing with a terrycloth cabana jacket or robe, just like what Paul Newman would do (pictured).
Q: No question, I just want to nominate Janko Tipsarevic for a Toolbag award. How one can manage to pollute tennis whites is beyond me, but this guy figured out how by adding the perfect toolbag sunglasses. I'm guessing they're Oakleys, but if not, they may as well be. --Jackie Treehorn
A: It is indeed difficult to turn the Wimbledon Whites into toolbag, though Rafa Nadal did it last year in the finals. Even the typically MB Roger Federer raised several of our eyebrows with his warmup vest in this year's first round. In between sets, does he moonlight as a waiter? We'll take a round of gin and tonics. Hendrick's.
Anyhow, like Nadal, Janko just has TB in him. Look at him at the French, with tank top and matching blades (bottom). And that tattoo, which we're pretty sure says "No fat chicks!" in kanji. Wimbledon's rules can only tamp the TB down. The good news: he's out after the 2nd round.
Q: I recently noticed Phil Mickelson wearing golf shirts with shorter than standard short sleeves. As a guy with short muscular arms I would love to get shirts with these extra short sleeves. Where does he get them or are they made special for him? --Ron
A: Phil Mickelson has a large endorsement deal with Callaway, so it's a very safe bet they make his shirts. And, being the #2 player in the world, he can get Callaway to make anything he wants. (Though someone at Callaway should have the courage to tell Phil to add a little material around the torso. It's looking increasingly sausage-like, with a side of manboobs.)
Anyhow, we strongly endorse shorter sleeves on polos, especially if you have pipes worthy of display. The sleeve length on many of today's golf shirts, one can't tell if they're short long-sleeves or long short-sleeves (see John Daly at last week's St. Jude Classic). But don't make this a big concern. You can have your golf shirt sleeves shortened to taste by a tailor for $10-$15. And if you're cursed with Mickelson's waistline, try to find a tailor who moonlights as a plastic surgeon.
Q: As a recent college graduate, and as a Staples Center suite ticket owner, what is appropriate attire for Lakers games? I know a jersey and jeans just wont cut it. Thanks for your help! --Chris
A: A recent college graduate and Staples Center suite owner? Pace yourself, Chris. You don't want to peak too early.
Anyhow, a jersey and jeans is indeed out. Just have a look at Joel Madden and this other jersey and foam-finger wearing fella (top). Don't be that guy. For the celebrity set there's an ongoing competition to see who can most successfully affect the just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-showed-up-at-Lakers-game look. Jack Black, we declare you the winner. In spite of the unfortunate fact that your team's primary color is purple, we recommend trying to look like a fan without trying too hard, like David Beckham in this barely-purple fine-knit crewneck sweater (-tie).
Game 1 on Thursday, Chris, and we'll be there in spirit. In reality, we'll be in Pulaski, WI.
After Rafael Nadal won Wimbledon last summer, we chastised his sleeveless, collarless look as being "some kind of weird combination of Menudo and Rambo." At the Australian earlier this year he added sleeves (top). At the French he added a collar (bottom) and promptly lost in the 4th round to Robin Soderling, the 25th-ranked player in the world. To thine own toolbag self, be true.
We're all in favor of bringing back some '70s style to the course -- the MB in the header photo is wearing vintage flowered Lilly Pulitzer shorts -- but Scott Woodsworth's Loudmouth Golf is an homage gone horribly wrong:
Top: John Daly at the BMW PGA Championship at the Wentworth Club, England, over the weekend in Loudmouth Golf's "Disco Balls" pants. Looks like a clown's pajamas.
Bottom: The "Chicks Dig Loudmouth" photo gallery is a toolbag extravaganza.
Fastidiously manscaped goatee? Untucked sport shirt? When Fine Living Network (FLN) realizes what the world really needs right now is a show where straight men give style advice to toolbag casual gay men, ostensible "style expert" Lloyd Boston, of the new show Closet Cases, can be the first makeover candidate.
The primal scream is the same, the fist pump is toned down a bit, and Tiger Woods is thankfully back to wearing collard shirts on Sundays instead of the skin-tight mock turtleneck. Phil Mickelson, please take note.
On the cover of the April issue of Details, Alex Rodriguez demonstrating sound shirt sleeve rolling technique (though that tie is too skinny). Are we sure he's not still dosing?
If not, it certainly appears Michelle Obama is picking up his slack.
Q: A question and a comment. What is the MB stance on snugness of a suit jacket? I recently got a steal on an Armani cashmere/silk sport jacket which is too big around the waist for my slim build. I want to get it altered to fit better but don't know how snug it should be. My comment is that I'd love for you to open up your posts to comment! Sure you'll get some rabble but it can add so much to what you're doing here. Which, by the way, I love! --Seth
A: Seth, head to the tailor. The snugness of the fit should be directly in proportion with one's fit(ness). Slim fellas in more generous cuts can quickly start looking like David Byrne. Bigger guys in snug fits can send crowds scurrying for cover to duck flying buttons. We've provided a handy chart below to demonstrate:
* Shia LaBeouf in "Mutt" jacket in Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
In fact, part of the reason we can't fully endorse them is they're almost a little too Hollywood. At a certain age the women start getting Botox, the men start wearing leather Belstaff jackets.
Q: Spring is just around the corner. So it's sunglasses season. Could you identify the sunglasses Mr. DiCaprio is wearing in Body of Lies? --Matt
A: What do we look like? The Celebrity Sunglass Identification Squad? Well, OK maybe. Anyhow, Leonardo is wearing Ray-Ban 3360s, available at Zappos for $133.00.
Q: MB, I am a 20 year old college student and recently was very excited to find a pair of new Puma Contacts at a thrift store and have been wearing them occasionally. I only wear them with plain black skinny jeans, because I don't want to be too elaborate. My girlfriend on the other hand feels that they are too ridiculous and make me stand out in a bad way. Am I wrong? --Jacob
A: Jacob, your girlfriend would've been more accurate to say you stand out in a too Joey Ramone way. This is fine if you're the 6'6" frontman for an up-and-coming college punk rock cover band. Otherwise save this ironic footwear for the hardcourts.
Q: Can you tell me the kind of sunglasses Andy Samberg is wearing in his video "I'm on a boat"? There is a great picture of them at 2:06 here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU Thanks a lot! --Grant
A: Sorry, there aren't enough distinguishing characteristics even to make an educated guess. However, if you've got the requisite confidence, we heartily endorse big, chunky, '60s-inspired sunglasses like the ones he's wearing. Also, the video is worth watching:
DETAILS' Courtney Colavita says the fat Windsor is "guaranteed to make you look like a dick," and we couldn't agree more. Just have a look at Jeremy Piven (off the set of Entourage): big tie knot, big watch ... he's clearly overcompensating for something that is quite small, other than his 5' 6" stature.
Q: Is it ever appropriate or acceptable to wear sunglasses indoors and/or at night? I'm not talking Oakley Blades with crazy-ass reflective lenses, but vintage Neostyles and Dunhills with soft blue and brown gradients. I know the official MB stance on the practice, but I hope against hope that there are exceptions. --Michael
Ben Roethlisberger is just 26, has two Super Bowl rings, and is likely headed to the Hall of Fame. But the poor fella would probably trade it all for even a shred of style.
Well, maybe not. But since "Big Ben" is single, and apparently only dating the struggling Canadian-born actress and Hilary Swank look-a-like contest winner Missy Peregrym, one upside of the Steelers' win is there aren't any pictures of Brenda Warner descending on her husband like a blue, crew-cut alien.
I just wanted to point out a video of a recent public appearance of Vanilla Ice at a Denver Nuggets halftime show. Not only is it basketball (see recent post about ball size), Mr. Ice appears to follow every rule for looking (and acting) like a complete toolbag. --Joshua
A: We are working on a new feature that examines toolbags through the ages, from the cavemen to the guys on Tool Academy, and we've discovered in our research that Vanilla Ice should get special merit for reinventing himself several times, yet having his essential toolbaggery always shine through.
Now, while I realize that part of being an MB is a healthy contempt for authority, is it really fair to apply the criteria of Magnificent Bastard-dom to the office of the President? I mean, isn't that something of a double standard?
Consider how a Magnificent Bastard would likely win an election:
1. A Magnificent Bastard certainly would be the underdog, running against an establishment incumbent. 2. A Magnificent Bastard would likely campaign however the hell he wanted, surrounding himself with good people, and he certainly wouldn't "prepare" for debates. (This would be Trying Too Hard). 3. A Magnificent Bastard, faced with inevitable defeat, would likely win the election anyhow, using the system itself to take the reins of power. 4. Having taken the presidency, a Magnificent Bastard wouldn't dare be seen sitting behind a desk. Why not schedule several photo ops doing something outdoors, and manly, with a cowboy hat and boots (appropriate in the state of Texas), denim, and sleeves appropriately rolled past the elbows.
Wait, wait, wait. This all seems very familiar. No wonder there's a picture of Dubya tucked in your current banner image. You sly dogs.
--Felipe
Q: You can't think of any fat guys who are MBs? How about Sydney Greenstreet or Charles Laughton? Auric Goldfinger or the Kingpin?
Magnificent Bastards all. --Marcus
A: Let's just say we have different definitions of Magnificent Bastard-dom. Who's the MB in this picture? (Hint: It's not the guy on the left who cheats at both cards and golf.) Now, if you had said "Fat Elvis" instead of some tubby Brits and a comic book character, you'd have an argument.
UPDATE: Reader Sid chimes in with an MB-endorsed observation:
As to whether or not a fat guy can be an MB, I'm going with "yes, but it's really hard to pull off."
Case in point: Winston Churchill. yeah, he's a Brit, but a certain degree of Anglophilia is well within MB rights (you've said as much yourselves). Snappy dresser, master drinker, always ready with a quip, and pretty much singlehandedly kept Britain's shit together during WW2.
I'll admit, he started off skinny (like Brando) and got increasingly fat and nasty (like Brando) but the height of his MB-dom was obviously during WW2, at which point he was definitely on the tubby side of things.
Corrolary: Orson Welles. Sure, he also got fat and nasty by the endgame, but Welles was an MB's MB.
Q: Howdy: I'm looking at buying a suede jacket. Last night, my wife and I were watching the movie, Music and Lyrics on HBO. Hugh Grant was wearing a really nice brown one. I said I want one similar ... my wife said the collar was too wide. We agreed to let you decide. What say you? --John
A: We're not sure about the age-inappropriate necklace or the quarter-zip mock neck sweater, but the collar on that jacket, while bold, is just fine by us. The only problem: good luck finding it. Since she lost the argument, put your wife on the search.
Q: Can fat guys be MBs? They can't pull off the perfect suit, or show off a sweet non-pleated pant, but I'm sure there have been some badass big MB guys in the past. I'm not talking Michael Moore fat (and unkempt), but maybe a guy that goes to the Big and Tall store a touch more for the "Big" than the "Tall." --Fat Bastard
A: We're pretty sure there exists a fat MB, it's just that we can't really think of one outside of perhaps Santa Claus ... and he still has to put on polyester once a year.
A little additional chub can still work, but not too much. Just look to Marlon Brando for guidance:
Top: Fit Brando the iconic image of cool American masculinity.
Bottom: Fat Brando the iconic image of diabetes, waddling, hanging out at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.
On our extended break -- incidentally, we consumed enough Dewar's Rob Roys to kill the average bloke -- there were some very disturbing photos taken of the President-elect. (We had our suspicions back in July when he met the troops.) Sure, Barack Obama might soon be the 44th President of the United States, but the poor fella is a raging toolbag.
Q: Suits: are we still in 2-button, double-vent mode, or is there something new on the horizon? It is time to update the old wardrobe? Can I still wear my old 4 button models or are those too far gone? --Allen
A: The 2-button, double-vent mode is still a great choice. Heck, even an alien like Klaatu (Keanu Reeves) from The Day the Earth Stood Still knows it. (If you look closely you can pick out the double vents.)
Regarding the 4-button versions in your possession, we're going to invoke the well-known Charles Barkley rule and request that they remain in your closet.
Typically a man becomes more MB with age, as he learns from earlier mistakes and takes on the patina of someone who's endured polar fleece and Dockers. An obvious exception to this rule is Kevin Costner, seen in the most recent issue of People sporting a soul patch.
Q: What kind of hoodie is Will Smith wearing in Hancock and where do you get one? --Ric
A: The actual hoodie worn by Smith in the scene pictured is now for sale on eBay (auction ends Wednesday). It's a grey Russell Athletic you can get just about anywhere. As for the two-tone version he's wearing on the beach (inset), we're doing some digging.
Neither Jesus-like outer glow feature, nor intently staring off into the distance can save David Beckham from looking like a toolbag with Motorola's Motopure Bluetooth headset.
Please accept my nomination for TOW (Toolbag of the Week). Kevin Jonas, of the Jonas Brothers tucked his jeans into his rather feminine looking boots AND is wearing a shawl collared sweater with ghastly patches, stripes and a soccer player design on the breast. --Matt
A: Matt, this may qualify as TOY (Toolbag of the Year). The worst part of this ensemble is the Lamborghini. It screams TTH. The principle of artful dishevelment extents to an MB's automobile. Kevin Jonas might've even made those boots work had he arrived in a rusty '81 Chevy Caprice.
(Again, someone please explain why we're wrong about pant tucking.)
Q: Clarification on the turtleneck. Surely you refer to the ribbed/knit examples you show and NOT the cotton tight-necked number we all remember from childhood winters. --Palmy
A: Paul Newman made a fairly tight-necked turtleneck work pretty well in perhaps the most famous turtleneck photo of all time. Palmy, maybe your 2nd-grade sartorial memories aren't as bad as you think.
Twilight star Robert Pattinson successfully achieves artful dishevelment -- his hair secret: not washing it for 6 weeks -- but the rest is a bit of a trainwreck:
Black on black on black on black looks like he may have picked this up at Hot Topic.
Skinny tie a novel choice. In 2004.
Skinny pants only serve to enlarge midsection/ass in unflattering ways.
Q: I'm unclear on your turtleneck position. Are saying it was only ok in 1968 and for chaps much more MB than I'll ever be? I have a navy tall mock turtleneck (taller than a mock but not enough to fold over) that I love. Not MB? --Scott
A: We're saying McQueen, Player, and Newkirk helped make the turtleneck forever cool. If you don't have enough material to fold over, or let flop down in an artfully disheveled way, then you ought to keep it in your closet. Or perhaps burn it. Anything even veering towards mock should be avoided or you might start looking like Tiger Woods. And that ain't good.
A few months ago we were asked how we'd give Hillary Clinton a makeover. She appears to be reading the site and followingour advice, except for the part about not looking like a special guest on Project Runway for the Hefty Cinch Sak challenge.
Wow, what a difference 12 years make. In 1996 Vince Vaughn practically defined Magnificent Bastard-dom as Trent Walker in Swingers. In 2008 he's playing opposite Reese Witherspoon as a bloated married man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and straw hat in Four Christmases. About the only thing recognizable are the sideburns.
Q: A sweater with a shawl collar: a fleeting trend or an MB wardrobe staple? --Wadie
A: The shawl-collar sweater doesn't quite reach the high "wardrobe staple" bar, but in 1968's Bullitt Steve McQueen definitively made it more than a "fleeting trend." Wear with confidence this year, and next.
John McCain meekly rolls his sleeves only two turns, and too neatly. Barack Obama makes three turns, which explains his lead in the polls. However, both could take sleeve-turning lessons from all-time MBs Paul Newman and James Dean, who turn them up past their elbows.
Her recent events drew scruffy high-schoolers in backward baseball caps, tank-topped bikers in bandanas and long-bearded veterans in berets. They crashed the rope line for photos and autographs. "Marry me, Sarah," a man implored in Weirs Beach, N.H., while Ms. Palin held up a tow-headed toddler and patted his little chest. She ignored, or didn't hear, the proposal, but signed the dude's ratty baseball cap.
Q: Whenever I dress in a t-shirt and jeans I always look so plain. What are some ways I can look more magnificent, other than things like sunglasses and v-necks? --John
A: Well, you can call it plain. With the just the right denim and just the right t-shirt, combined with thoughtful accessorization (yes, beyond sunglasses) or footwear, we call this The Uniform.
But don't just take our word for it. Victoria Beckham, up-and-coming designer and former Posh Spice, in the October issue of Details magazine, documents her 10 Rules of Style. Her #1 rule is something we heartily endorse:
Style isn't about money. One of the nicest outfits on a man is pair of jeans, some old, messed-up boots, a simple white tee, and a vintage leather belt. You don't have to spend a lot. It's about mixing and matching and getting things that fit properly.
We'll try to demonstrate this visually in future editions.
For a guy who's got his own makeover show, Tim Gunn makes a rookie mistake matching those silver frames with a shiny gold watch ... like Rush Limbaugh wears.
Longtime readers know how much we dug Paul Newman. In an interview earlier this year we cited Newman as one of the four most stylish people who've influenced us, along with Oscar Wilde, Yves Saint Laurent, and Chi-Chi Rodriguez. With two of the four dying this year, 2008 has really sucked. Hang in there Chi-Chi!
Anyhow, beyond the movies, the blue eyes, the philanthropy, and the tasty salsa and salad dressing, Paul Newman's greatest achievement -- even better than being on Nixon's enemies list -- was demonstrating the coolness of a v-neck sweater with woven white shirt.
Q: Regarding North Face fleece, just what exactly is the principle of organic materials? --Lee
A: The principle of organic materials is simple: It's that organic materials are inherently superior to anything made by man, even if they are less practical. So when given a choice, always choose organic materials.
Try this thought experiment to illustrate the point: Imagine the ultimate MB -- JFK -- sailing a boat made out of fiberglass. Your head just exploded. See what we mean? Plus, given that organics are the result of Mother Nature, there are always slight imperfections that enhance another core MB attribute: artful dishevelment. (Note JFK's look.)
Use the following table to help guide your decision-making.
The winner -- total toolbag Paul Azinger -- is wearing a mock turtleneck. The loser -- MB-ish Nick Faldo -- in an artfully disheveled collared shirt.
It's one thing for Mr. Azinger to be unstylish -- that's par for the course with him -- but does he need to dress up the entire team in that awful outfit?
In spite of the lopsided victory, that photo will not stand the test of time. In 20 years people won't be looking at the winning 2008 Ryder Cup team and say, "Geez, those guys really had style back then." Exactly the opposite.
Cindy McCain is an heiress to a large beer distributorship, and she'll be goddammed to let some WT chick from Alaska with bangs upstage her. So last night she pulled the pin, let it down, curled it, and went Farah.
Top: Cindy McCain, pre Sarah Palin Lower Left: Cindy McCain, post Sarah Palin Lower Right: Farah Fawcett
Q: The last time I got my hair cut, the stylist (at Sport Clips) suggested that I start wearing it in a faux hawk. Even though I'm still an MB in training, I'm doubtful. So, what is your opinion on hairstyles (and going to Sport Clips)? --Byron
A: The faux hawk is the urban mullet. Yes, David Beckham can pull it off adequately, but he is David Beckham. Everyone else is simply a sad variation of Martin Short's SNL character, Ed Grimley (inset).
Regarding Sport Clips, all you need to do is look at the picture they use on the "About Sport Clips" page: the man most in need of an MB makeover on the planet. Byron, find yourself a hot young stylist who will shampoo your hair, give you a scalp massage, and not suggest bad hairstyle ideas.
Ultra-casual Brett Favre looked surprisingly natural in a suit at last month's ESPY Awards, but he clearly missed the MB memos on camo and graphic tees as he left Green Bay yesterday. Also, those sunglasses veer dangerously close to reflector blades. A true diva needs true diva shades. Like Madonna in Versace.
So what do you think of Apple founder Steve Jobs' sense of style? These days, he almost always wears the same outfit in public, consisting of: 1) black mock turtleneck; 2) jeans; 3) white or grey New Balance sneakers; and 4) iPhone. Is it just me, or does this technological visionary dress like a toolbag? --Evan
A: We haven't specifically addressed Jobs' particular sense of "style," but your sense of the MB ethos is strong, Evan.
- mock turtleneck
- jeans. Poor Steve could learn about AG. That high-rise, tapered Levi's soccer-dad cut just isn't appropriate for a technological visionary. Or really anyone.
- white New Balance sneakers
- iPhone
Regarding scooters, I can't believe you missed this fine example of how to pull off the MB scooter look: riding double with Audrey Hepburn on the the back, Roman Holiday style. --Ray
A: Our oversight. Anytime Audrey Hepburn is riding with you on a scooter, you are automatically pulling off the scooter look.
Side note: If you can distract yourself from Gregory Peck's tie knot, check out Ms. Hepburn in an early version of gladiator sandals.
Q: With gas prices where they are the idea of commuting on a scooter is looking more attractive. The problem is I don't want to look like a toolbag. Is there anyway to avoid this? By the way I am not a 20 year-old, 100 pound, Starbucks barista. --Ben
A: Making a scooter work definitely has a high DD (Degree of Difficulty) but can be very MB (Magnificent Bastardly), primarily due to scootering's importance in the British "mod" scene of the '60s and '70s. Sting is riding one with aplomb in the poster for the 1979 film Quadrophenia (top). So they meet the MB principle of Anglophilia straight away.
Also, Certified Magnificent Bastard William F. Buckley is riding one on the cover of his 1968 book "The Jeweler's Eye" (bottom). Take note of these examples -- check out Buckley's dress, hair, and facial expression -- and ride with confidence.
The Shark's signature final-round folds remain the same, but thankfully his wardrobe has changed. Eschewing bright colors and patterns in favor of neutrals, now he chokes in style. Might this style evolution be the influence of new bride Chris Evert?
Top: Norman at his last triumph in 1993 at Royal St. George's, looking quite peculiar
Bottom Left: Norman on Saturday in white polo with ivory cashmere v-neck
Besides sleepless nights and double diaper duty, twins can apparently initiate toolbag-dom on even Hollywood elite:
1.Grecian Formula not supposed to remove all the gray. 2. Un-ironic goatee strikingly similar to Toolbag Extraordinaire Ben Affleck (inset). 3. Gold necklace.
Q: Even the minions of the MB can see that Hillary Clinton is in need of some fashion assistance. If the MB were to provide her with some advice and consent what would you suggest that she do to amend her fashion mistakes? --Chris
A: 15 years ago SPY magazine offered a good suggestion for Hillary's wardrobe: dominatrix. Unfortunately the United States Senate has clear rules against leather, whips, and chokers. So, here is our 3-point plan that might still get Hillary in the White House:
1. Ditch the Crazy-Ass Color Palette
Nobody looks good in head-to-toe royal blue. Or turquoise. Or especially the bumblebee yellow-and-black. Heck, that color combination even makes Bumblebee Man look sad. Go with neutrals. Try just black for once.
2. Implement Disproportionately-Wide Hip Mitigation Plan
For whatever reason, Hillary chooses to feature her worst feature -- those hips -- by repeatedly wearing pantsuits. Try a tie shirt-dress or, and this is really radical, a skirt. Yes, they expose the cankles but still preferable.
3. Abandon Dress Barn as Wardrobe Source
Or wherever she gets her current outfits. It's true: Prada does not make a size 18, but try Neiman Marcus or Saks and get into brands like Eileen Fisher, TSE, Gayla Bentley, or Shirin Guild.
From top:
* February 1993 SPY magazine cover
* Hillary at January 2008 campaign stop
* Bumblebee Man
* Gayla Bentley tie shirt-dress
Something just ain't right about seeing the completely unstylish Rafael Nadal triumph on the completely stylish lawns of Wimbledon. Nadal's match with Roger Federer may be an instant classic, but neither that dreadful sleeveless top nor those long shorts will stand the test of time. Poor fella looks like some weird combination of Menudo and Rambo.
Our deep-seated issues with legibility and hoods have officially met their match when Dolce & Gabbana puts an original Magnificent Bastard like Steve McQueen on the front of a sweatshirt. (Note McQueen's rolled sleeves, undone top button, four-in-hand knot, and the absence of jewelery.)
Q: I am happy to see that Penguin is at least somewhat MB endorsed. However, much of their offering breaks the rule of logoed clothing -- is there a time and a place for the Penguin logo, or should I stick with their non-branded items? --Mark
A: Toughest question we've received so far. Logoed Penguin duds were especially cool pre-2003, when you could only find them on ebay or at vintage clothing shops. Now that their rebirth is in its 6th year these items are much more common. Yet it's such an iconic brand, and they still make very good-looking (logoed) clothing it's a real MB dilemma.
ORIGINAL PENGUIN by Munsingwear became a staple among the masters of suburban leisure well into the 1980s –- worn by the likes of Arnold Palmer, Bob Hope, Bing Crosby and Richard Nixon.
Problem solved. Thanks originalpenguin.com!
Simply print out and then cut out the Magnificent Bastard Spinner below. Attach arrow to board with pin. Before you decide to wear your obviously logoed Penguin clothing, spin the arrow. If it lands on the hack comedian or Dick, wear something else. If it lands on the legendary golfer or legendary entertainer, wear the Penguin with confidence.
Q: While shopping this weekend I noticed a lot of tacky women's cowboy hats with crunched up brims in hideous colors. I would never judge a person for their personal style but hasn't this gone on long enough? Madonna wore one in a video 15 years ago and even back then it looked awful. Aren't two season of Rock of Love enough to finally end this travesty? --Rita
A: What's wrong with judging a person for their personal style? It's a really great timesaver.
While we can't endorse tacky cowboy hats in hideous colors (or two seasons of Rock of Love for that matter), the "cowgirl" look is as American as apple pie and obesity. Love it or leave it, Rita!
Though it doesn't sound like you'll be attempting this look, the trick to making it work is to be sparing with the cowgirl elements, or it'll look like you're late for a date at either the County Fair or the O.K. Corral.
For instance: a cowboy hat with denim and boots = about right. Cowboy hat with denim, boots, and 6-shooter (like Jane Russell) = too much.
Clockwise from upper left: Betty Boop, Lynda Carter, Cher, Veronica Lake, Jane Russell, Jane Fonda.
As he's about to kill Scorpio in 1971's Dirty Harry, Clint Eastwood's tie is askew 7.5° to the left, the precise amount of MB artful dishevelment in any vigilante justice situation.
Q: I know that you have long heralded the death of skinny ties, and I mostly agree. However, a skinny (not too skinny, though) tie can be worn well in some situations. I am very young (18), very tall (6'4") and thin. Sometimes I like to wear a black suit with slim lapels and a white shirt and top it off with a slim black tie. Given my circumstances, is this really that bad? Can one not pull off the skinny tie with the right body and suit? Thanks. --Bo
A: Waiter! Another round of Dewar's. Rocks.
Bo, leave the skinny (even not too skinny) ties to guys like Zac Efron, who use them to appear 5'3" instead of 5'1". Use your God-given stature to your advantage, and try a play on scale, with a short, wide tie ... and a different colored suit.
Q: I know you guys love the Style Guy but he just made a huge error in the June edition of GQ. He said that you cannot take out the pleats in pleated trousers. They should buy their suits at MARK SHALE. They do it all the time for no charge and they turn out beautifully. --Larry
A: We do like Glenn O'Brien (the Style Guy), though as you point out he is dead wrong about about removing pleats. Not just Mark Shale can do it; so can any competent tailor. Maybe he was having a senior moment like his contemporary, John McCain.
Every Wednesday on Top Chef (Bravo, 10ET, check local listings), host Tom Colicchio is an extraordinarily reliable guide for what notto do. Last night: a wall clock watch.
Poor guy is nearly 50 and looking increasingly weird and bewildered with spiked hair and the occasional t-shirt under blazer look. On this week's Ebert and Roeper he demonstrates a couple of don'ts:
Don't #1: 3-button blazer; buttoned while seated. Don't #2: Pants hemmed looking like he's expecting Category 5 hurricane.
Another knock: poor guy recommended Speed Racer, the worst movie of the year by miles.
We're pouring some forties for YSL, who was recently cited in an MB post about pocket squares. Not only was Yves Saint Laurent a fashion icon, he was one of those rare individuals who aspiring MBs could learn from just about every time he was photographed. Take, for instance, this July 1968 picture with Lauren Bacall and daughter Leslie. Velvet suit (in July) with dramatically wide (and short) tie, dressed-down with button-down shirt matched with uber-casual grommet belt. And of course the trademark frames and flowing locks. Brilliant.
Q: What's up with the new "ballet flats" that I've seen women wearing lately? I've watched them in disgust from afar as springtime rolled in and now the inevitable has happened. My wife bought a pair. What do I do? I've conveyed to her in no uncertain terms that women should always be in heels -- out on the town, in the kitchen, in the bedroom, etc. -- but she just does not get it. I'm going to have to steal her flats and hide them. Can you provide backup for me on this? --Jaison
A: Jaison, we understand your question is mainly for comedic effect, but you know what you really ought to do? Give your wife a hug and a kiss because ballet flats are an all-time classic. Think Audrey Hepburn, regular ballet flat wearer, also an all-time classic, and near the top of the Magnificent Bastard Favorite Babes list.
Though your wife may not wear heels in the bedroom, you done good, son.
The June issue of GQ is literally the straw that broke the camel's back. It's got Shia LeBeouf (5'2" 113 lbs.) on the cover. This on the heels of Zac Efron (5'3" 115 lbs.) on the front of the Jan/Feb issue of Details and Hayden Christensen (5'5" 133 lbs.) on the cover of the March Details.
These are men's magazines, not Boys' Life. It's probably too much to ask for this generation to find equivalents to Paul Newman, Marlon Brando, and Burt Lancaster, but Shia Freaking LeBeouf?! His latest role is Indiana Jones's sidekick; or, a slightly taller Short Round. Who's set for the July issue? That 17 year-old guy who was a runner-up on American Idol?
A: Yes, Steve McQueen certainly was a Magnificent Bastard, but we can assure you that at no time in Bullitt did he wear a mock turtleneck. Open your fucking eyes and you'll see it's perhaps Film's Most Famous Real Turtleneck; a blue ribbed turtleneck sweater, shown underneath a tweed blazer (top).
Overshadowed by the famous turtleneck was McQueen's demonstration of how to nail a chunky shawl collar cardigan with woven shirt (bottom).
Q: Simple question: how many buttons should their be on the front of your suit? --Ray
A: We've weighed in on this before when analyzing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's three-button David Byrne look-alike "Psycho Killer" suit.
We officially endorse two buttons. We're not adamantly against the three-button, like we are against skulls or tapered soccer-dad jeans or wearing an electronic device on your belt like some cable-access version of Batman. It's just that we know for certain that four-buttons are out because Charles Barkley wears them. And 3 is closer to 4 than 2, so that's bad.
Matthew Broderick has been spending an inordinate amount of time on the red carpet these days, which is a good thing because he regularly demonstrates what not to do. Though this is an upgrade over his latest appearance, the former Ferris Bueller is still a mistake. At a mere 5' 6", 5' 7" tops, the man should not be in a pair of slim-cut trousers; they merely highlight his much wider ass and belly, which he is apparently trying to disguise with a coat that's two sizes too big.
Q: Where does the MB stand on (male) facial hair? I see your page is now adorned with a fella gettin' a shave so I guess I already know the answer. This wanna-be MB has had a goatee for a long time but has been recently thinking about finding a razor. Thoughts? --Dan
A: Listen, partner. You reckon you ever seen a fella who's an MB with a goatee? Thought so. Yeeehaw!
Either be fixin' to find a razor or grow it out, like Iron Man Robert Downey Jr., on the cover of this month's GQ, who's also the winner of the George Clooney look-alike contest.
At the premiere of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Tom Arnold, host of the best show on TV ("My Big Redneck Wedding"), demonstrates why long, once-tucked, now untucked sport shirts with exposed undershirts are bad things. (Andy Dick too obscured for sufficient analysis.)
Q: MB: Ball caps? Nope, never worn them. Flip it backwards? Are you kidding me? Visors? Yup. Wear 'em. Even feel like a bastard at times. How 'bout you? Visors? I'm talking on the golf course, and off. --C.D.
A: The highly-destructive Tiger Woods Apparel Effect has contributed to making visors quite rare these days. MB strongly endorses them, but only when both of these rules are met:
1. You're on a golf course, and 2. You've got the locks to show off.
(Clockwise from upper left: Fred Couples, Trevor Immelman, Phil Mickelson, Tommy Armour III.)
George Clooney at the Los Angeles premiere of Leatherheads (opening today), not praying to the tired "skinny" god of GQ and Band of Outsiders, but, as you might expect from Mr. Clooney, doing his own thing. How refreshing, and MB.
Age-appropriate dress is a tenet of lifelong Magnificent Bastard-dom, and it can be a tricky thing to get right. Most men thankfully don't wear thumb
rings at age 51 like Anthony Bourdain -- or thumb rings at all -- but we sometimes wear jeans with too much shit on the back pocket, and it looks wrong.
At the other end of the spectrum is dressing prematurely old man. Witness Matthew Broderick at the premiere of Smart People (starring wife Sarah Jessica Parker). He's just 46 and he looks like a U.S. Senator or a banker nearing retirement on "crazy tie" day.
Jamie Lee Curtis has gone from hot, naked Hollywood star (Trading Places) to granny-looking shill for Activia yogurt -- the one that "helps to naturally regulate your slow intestinal transit" -- but she still sure has a nice set of cans.
Top Chef's lead judge Tom Colicchio, last night decked out in an unbuttoned black woven shirt, over a black t-shirt. We bet Mr. Colicchio $1000 his shirt, besides being black, was also overlong and untucked.
Where else on the World Wide Web are you going to get two posts about Guido the Killer Pimp in a 2-week span? Only at magnificentbastard.com. (See earlier one.)
Let's have a look at what's wrong with GtKP (Joe Pantoliano) at the red carpet premiere of Flawless starring Demi Moore and Michael Caine:
1. Beret. Violation of the principle of Anglophilia. Francophilia way less cool. 2. Multiple necklaces. Violation of principle of minimal accessorization. 3. Tucked-in sweater. Never do this. 4. Skull belt buckle. Skulls beyond outgoing. 5. Cane. OK if used for actual physical ailment; never OK for affect. Doesn't really work with skull belt buckle. 6. Multiple rings. (See multiple necklaces.)
Q: What are your feelings on undershirts when your shirt is not all the way buttoned up? Crew neck, v-neck, or none at all....My father who always dresses well tells me if it is going to be any at all it should be a v-neck, but if at all possible none at all... What do you think? —Brandon
A: Your papa taught you how to wipe your ass, shave your face, and tie your tie. Let's not start doubting him now.
Few things are more vulgar than a white crew neck tee under an unbuttoned woven shirt; you'll look fully unstylish and clueless. A v-neck isn't much better -- the lines look like ass and are the men's equivalent of panty lines -- but may be permissible in extremely cold conditions, either outside or in the office.
In conclusion, do what your dad says and leave the undershirt for the weekend.
(Note: Nothing we just said applies if you are Carson Kressley.)
West Virginia beating Duke. Coached by gold watch, mini-mock turtleneck, black blazer, used car salesman haircut-wearing Bob Huggins, the Moutaineers defeated a team coached by the at least somewhat well-dressed (though over-accessorized) Mike Krzyzewski. One can only imagine the smell of Mr. Huggins' cologne.
Last night's episode of Top Chef clearly illustrated the principle of playing to your strengths, and minimizing (or completely covering) your weaknesses. In this case, going sleeveless.
Top: Host/judge Padma Lakshmi can rock sleeveless (and a lot of other things) six ways 'til Sunday so that look works beautifully. On the other hand...
Bottom: Judge Gail Simmons from Food & Wine -- with a fairly cute face and above-average cleavage -- should call attention to those features, and not her arms, which look like they're both victims of one too many food judging competitions.
Q: I'm looking for a new watch, and I thought I'd get the official MB opinion on leather vs. metal bands since I do respect your opinion here. Personally, I feel like the leather band is a nice throwback to the classics. Am I alone on this one? —Joe
Don't worry Joe, you're not alone. Leather is a nice throwback to the classics and we won't fault you for choosing it. However, may we recommend you consider eschewing both leather and metal in favor of nylon grosgrain? It satisfies the MB principle of understatement, and has greater versatility than either leather or metal. Grosgrain's naturally casual so it's easy to dress it down, but you can also dress it up -- way up -- as demonstrated by James Bond in Goldfinger.
Top: Hugh Jackman photographed on a Sydney beach in late February, recently released after serving 18 months in the maximum security wing of Gold's Gym.
Bottom: Preternaturally ripped Simpsons character Groundskeeper Willie.
As a general rule, whenever Cuba Gooding Jr. wears something, it officially ends that trend. He wore a newsboy cap last week at the premiere of 10,000 B.C. Here's the somewhat-recent history of the newsboy cap trend:
Pop quiz: William F. Buckley's greatest cultural contribution was:
A. Founding the modern conservative movement B. Founding National Review magazine C. Hosting Firing Line for 33 years D. MB icon and poster boy for the principle of artful dishevelment
Correct Answer: D.
From the top: Buckley demonstrating the proper black tie alignment; Buckley on the set of Firing Line hitting the trifecta of hair, jacket, tie dishevelment; casual Buckley demonstrating casual rumpledness (portrait).
Last week the Rocket threw a strike with his banded collar shirt presentation. This week he's throwing heat again with a double-breasted suit, a la American Beauty's Brad Dupree. This guy is solid toolbag gold. Whatever he does, do the opposite.
Q: It's time for me to look into a new hairstyle, and recently a flat top was suggested. Just wondering what the overall opinion of a flat top is. Is it too meat-head-ish? I'm wondering if the pros think it clashes with good clothes. I tend to pull off short hair very well, so I was seriously considering trying it out. However, I figured I needed to ask the experts before assuming anything. —Mike
A: Let us state this in the most unequivocal way possible: this is a really, really fucking bad idea. When Hall of Fame defensive lineman and TV star Howie Long can't pull it off, it's likely a sign no one can. Getting this haircut actually lowers your IQ, hence damaging your social standing, your career standing, and any standing with chicks (or at least any chicks of interest). Avoid at all costs, unless you've been drafted, and we ain't talkin' 'bout the NFL.
Nobody is happier about the return of Jordache than we are. But is it really necessary for them to apply Photoshop's liposuction filter to world-class MILF Heidi Klum?
Top/Middle: Super-skinny Heidi Klum as seen in current Jordache print ad.
Bottom: Slightly flabbier/curvier Heidi Klum as seen in campaign photo shoot video on jordache.com (click on "Penthouse" and then on "Heidi Klum Penthouse").
For a while we've beensaying skinny -- especially skinny ties -- is over. Last night at the Critics' Choice Awards, George Clooney not only dealt skinny a death blow, he signaled the welcome return of wide.
If you're an MB.com reader and live in New Hampshire, please consider a vote for Hillary Clinton tomorrow. The latest CNN-WMUR poll has her down by 10 points, and a USA Today-Gallup poll has her being crushed by 13. A Hillary defeat deprives this site of nearly 10 months of stylecommentary that practically writes itself.
Please consider a vote for Clinton, and more importantly, for the MB!
Q: I just got invited to The People's Choice Awards by my sister. This was unexpected but she already bought my ticket out there (i'm from Chicago) and have me set up in a hotel - not bad. So my question to you is what do I wear to a function like this? I am hoping it is not
a tux. I would just love to rock out a pair of nice jeans, a shirt, and a sport coat but I am sure that is not accepted. —Adam
A: Katherine Heigl is going to be there, right? So may we suggest a blue-grey suit along with a traditional Kazakh wedding bag to be placed over her head (who cares if she was recently
married)? But seriously, jeans + shirt + blazer is a tad overdone and common. Instead, try rocking out in Varvatos that's currently on sale, like this.
Not only do the Cowboys have to overcome their NFC opponents to make it to the Super Bowl, they need to overcome the ongoing toolbaggery of their quarterback. Interviewed by NFL Network over The Jessica Simpson Episode, Tony Romo wore a bright salmon, logoed button-down collar shirt with the buttons unbuttoned. In most cases we would expect the Significant Other to correct this situation, but Jessica Simpson most likely dressed him for the interview.
Toolbag quarterback Tony Romo has landed what we consider to be the perfect toolbag accessory: ditzy fake blonde with dark roots, huge hoop earrings, and sunglasses propped on her head. She's only about 1/2 a notch up the white-trash-o-meter from Britney.
During yesterday's post-game interview, Brett Favre demonstrated the pitfalls of a 38 year-old wearing age-inapproriate clothing. Camo skull cap and printed tee. Yeesh.
Donna Karan was the guest judge last night on Project Runway, seemingly promoting some of the flabbiest arms we've seen since our grade school cooks serving up hot lunch. Donna, we admire a lot of your work (especially Signature), but please cover that shit up. Geez.
Superbad's Jonah Hill is the closest thing to John Belushi since, well, John Belushi. So perhaps his faded Richard Pryor tee is this generation's equivalent to Bluto Blutarsky's blue "College" sweatshirt.
Sure, Larry David might have the funniest show on TV, but it doesn't stop him from making highly questionable wardrobe choices, like the t-shirt/v-neck sweater combo, and the dreaded white athletic sock look. Save those for the gym.
We may finally have an answer to the Jamie Foxx in The Kingdom sunglasses question. Contrary to a couple of readers claiming they saw D&G on the temple, it would appear reader Derek Ford has it right: Mr. Foxx is wearing Michael Kors model MK S110, on sale at zappos.com for $186.25.
Tony Kornheiser, the most annoying color commentator except for Phil Simms, demonstrates an especially inept comb-over every week on Monday Night Football. Give that man a fedora. Then get him off TV.
Now here's a lapel pin we can get behind. French President Nicolas Sarkozy was in town (wearing a lapel pin) and while we couldn't get a close-up tight enough for visual confirmation, evidence points in the direction that it may be a portrait of Marquis de Lafayette (inset) -- the French general and hero of the Revolutionary War who named his son after George Washington -- placed between the American and French flags. Here's to rapprochement between America and one of her greatest friends.
Update/Correction: Even though the above makes for a tear-jerking story of two great nations kissing and making up, Sarkozy's accessory selection was wishful thinking on our part. Anyhow, the Marquis/French flag/US flag pin, from the Durel's jewelry shop in Lafayette, LA, wins strong MB endorsement.
Dear MB: I just read your post on N. Sarkozy. The pin he sports is most probably not the Lafayette / Flags pin, but rather the symbol of the highest order in the French Legion of Honor. A French president automatically gets this highest order when he gets elected; all members of the legion of honor place a small symbol on jackets (plain red for a Chevalier, the first level, then various additions of colors as a person grows in the order). It's actually kind of cool as it's a discreet reminder of an old-fashioned but still sought-after French membership. —Thomas
Billionaire YouTube founders Steve Chen and Chad Hurley on Oprah yesterday* demonstrating the Official YouTube Yuniform: blue blazer, open collar blue dress shirt, black belt, jeans, black dress shoes.
That's Dan Rather's quote from this clip sent to us by reader William Schroeder, which shows Mr. Rather debating for 19 minutes and 42 seconds about whether to wear a coat, and if so, whether the collar should be turned up or down.
These are big decisions.
In a previous post we were down on popping collars up, but that was specifically for polo shirts. Here, Mr. Rather is correct. What you see him struggling with in the video is achieving the correct amount of artful dishevelment, as demonstrated by Mr. Bogart (aka MB) is "that scene" from Casablanca.
An update on those sunglasses Jamie Foxx wore in The Kingdom: We finally got a hold of Armies of the World (the company that did the props for The Kingdom) and they did everything except Mr. Foxx's sunglasses. Which makes sense since we have visual confirmation from several MB.com readers that an extreme closeup reveals "Dolce & Gabbana" on the temple. The only "Armies of the World" we can imagine being fitted with D&G sunglasses are a.) the Italian army, and b.) the Spartans from 300.
Anyhow, the model Mr. Foxx's sunglasses look most like are the 2022s (top), but it's not an exact match. Our guess is it's a bespoke pair, but we're in touch with Dolce & Gabbana for confirmation. If you have any other info, please let us know.
Top: Dan Marino on HBO's Inside the NFL with a clear lapel.
Bottom: Dan Marino on CBS's The NFL Today with the most post-peak and grossly unfashionable of all accessories: a US flag lapel pin. (Larry Craigwears one. 'Nuff said.)
Bonus points to Marino for the similarly askew tie knot. Dude swings to the right.
So we're watching the trailer for The Kingdom (opening nationwide tomorrow) and we're like, "Holy shit! Jamie Foxx looks like a total badass MB in that pair of shades!" And then we're like, "Where have we seen these before?" And then it occurs to us that Harrison Ford wore a similar pair -- albeit much less badassly -- in Apocalypse Now (after he did Star Wars, can you believe it?). Then we wondered what that frame was, and until we get a call back from Susan Matheson (costume designer for Armies of the World, who fitted Mr. Foxx and the rest of the cast of The Kingdom), a very, very close version (minus the tapered temples) is the Ray-Ban Caravan, available at amazon for $97.50.
We reckon Iranian president Ahmadinejad has loads more style than the adverb-challenged dude holding the sign. After all, he's got a jacket named after him and, like Hugh Grant, recognizes the simple sophistication of a crisp white dress shirt. However, he's not without flaws. Besides an odd understanding of world history, his coat looks shoddily made and way too big; clearly better suited for David Byrne in Stop Making Sense. Furthermore, we're not real big fans of the 3-buttons. Even though some top shops still make them, they look dated to us, like something we saw on the sale rack at Banana Republic about 2 years ago. 3-buttons look best on the guys sitting at the end of an NBA bench, and all 7 analysts on ESPN's Sunday NFL Countdown.
She's clearly not a candidate for either bare midriff or jeans tucked into boots. However, Britney Spears makes a strong case for the potential IQ-increasing power of appropriate eyewear. In her case, those frames represent about a 20-point swing.
Dear MB: I just read your post on N. Sarkozy. The pin he sports is most probably not the Lafayette / Flags pin, but rather the symbol of the highest order in the French Legion of Honor. A French president automatically gets this highest order when he gets elected; all members of the legion of honor place a small symbol on jackets (plain red for a Chevalier, the first level, then various additions of colors as a person grows in the order). It's actually kind of cool as it's a discreet reminder of an old-fashioned but still sought-after French membership.
