Magnificent Bastard

Saturday, November 27, 2021

Top 7 Ways to Eat Like a Total Toolbag


Act like you're just not that into your napkin

Your plate is destined to mingle with your food. Your pants and your food should never meet. That's why as soon as you sit, your napkin goes on your lap.


Keep two points of contact with table at all times

Cows have to lower their heads to their troughs to eat because they're big stupid animals with no hands. You're human. Sit up straight and use your forearms, not your neck, to get your food within striking distance of your mouth.


Shank your entree like it was your worst enemy in lockdown

The chicken should already be dead before it reaches your plate, so there's no need to attack with lethal force. A thumb and a forefinger is all you need to steady your fork.


Pretend your fork is a tiny little shovel

Dinner isn't supposed to be manual labor. Unless your fritto misto arrives beneath two feet of snow, hold your fork the same way you hold a pencil.


Scrape your teeth with your silverware

A fork is not a dental hygiene instrument. If you can't master chewing your food without chewing your utensils, stick with Ensure or other liquid supplements.


Deep-throat your thumb

If the sauce is that good, the restaurant isn't going anywhere. Wipe your hands on your napkin and look forward to next time.


Floss your teeth with your finger

Not even chubby supermodels should stick their fingers this far into their mouths after eating. Use a toothpick. In private.




  • 3 shots rye whiskey (or to taste)
  • 1 sugar cube
  • Peychaud's Bitters
  • quarter shot of Absinthe
  • lemon twist

Soak the sugar cube with the bitters and place in the bottom of a highball glass. Mash with the back of a spoon (or muddler, which we hope has not been used to make a Mojito), add the rye whiskey and fill the glass with ice. Stir for about 30 seconds and then strain into another lowball glass that has been rinsed with Absinthe and filled about halfway with ice. Garnish with a lemon twist.

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