Q: Long, longtime fan. So, Calvin Klein stopped making my favorite 100% cotton boxer briefs. I know, only halfway to MB chart, but these provided the perfect balance between scrotal space and glans restriction.
Anyway, I contacted CK to ask for a recommendation, and all I got was a generic copy/paste reply. Worse, they referred to their brand as Tommy Hilfiger, which - as it turns out - shares the sales infrastructure. Needless to say, I’m looking for an alternative, and turn to you for your wisdom and advice.
Kind regards, and keep up the good work, which is much appreciated! —Duncan
A: Reading your note at our editorial meeting the other day caused sudden trembling and nausea, as we wondered out loud if CK also stopped making *our* all-time favorite underwear: CK One Cotton Stretch Slim Fit Boxers.
This soon turned into a full-scale panic attack. Had we sufficiently prepped? Was there a lifetime supply of CK One Cotton Stretch Slim Fit Boxers in storage?
We honestly had not felt this level of existential wardrobe dread since 1979, when we learned JCPenney stopped selling bell bottoms.
We don't have an answer for right now, Duncan. We're still sorting through our emotions, and also a lot of underwear sites. But please stay tuned.
NB: For those wondering why Duncan is referring to scrotal space, here is the original Magnificent Bastard Underwear Guide, from when we were less mature, and funnier.
Speculation has been running high about why Obama does, and the leading theory — that he does it to protect the ring from would-be thieves — makes no sense at all. First, he shakes hands with his right hand, not his left. Second, there's a reason you've heard of "pickpockets" but not "pickfingers" — it's much easier to lift a ring from the former rather than the latter.
But the notion that Obama has big plans for his First 100 Days out of office doesn't wash either. Even armed with those Trumpian ties and some Tic Tacs®, we just don't see him stepping out on Michelle any time soon. Which, as faithful readers have already no doubt deduced, leaves only one plausible explanation: The lame duck leader of the free world is finally adopting at least one Magnificent Bastard principle.
Fresh off July's disastrous departure from Marine One, this week President Barack Obama bounced back with perhaps his best Marine One exit yet. Yes, his pants still have creases. Yes, his sleeves are rolled below the elbow. And yes, he is still wearing a wedding ring. But he's ditched the white crewneck undershirt, and even displayed a measurable degree of artful dishevelment, a core MB principle. In fact, we believe this is the first time in his presidency that he's worn a woven with two buttons undone.
We're about 99% sure that last statement is true, but will happily be proven wrong in order to give stuff away. The first reader to send us a photo of Barack Obama as president in a woven shirt with two buttons unbuttoned wins their choice of an MB tie or an MB wallet. Send your proof to firstname.lastname@example.org today!
This award goes to Henrik Stenson, Champion Golfer of the Year, who discarded his toolbag long-sleeve Hugo Boss synthetic mock turtleneck underwear on the 17th tee, just in time to hoist the Claret Jug in a polo. It's the best sartorial move in the 145-year history of the tournament. Well done Henrik.
1. Attire We don't always wear underwear, but we do when we're sitting on the sofa at 5AM on a Monday for 7.5 hours of British Open coverage, and we prefer CK One Cotton Stretch Slim Fit Boxers. Slim, yet unconfining, and discreet even under the shortest, tightest, and lowest-rise shots, these have been our favorites virtually since Seve won on a Monday at Royal Lytham & St. Annes in 1988. They're the best. 2 for $30 at calvinklein.com, but you can always find these at Teej for about half that.
Imagine there's no giant zany clown hand grabbing your package, it's easy if you try? No, we don't think so. To keep a straight face while wearing this outfit by Yoko Ono, you've got to be a true pro. Well done, male model!
As for Yoko Ono, we can officially say that breaking up the Beatles is only the second greatest aesthetic travesty she has perpetrated in her life. The first is the clothing collection in which the Lightbulb Bra appears. Produced in collaboration with Opening Ceremony, and initially offered in "limited-edition" quantities in November 2012, it remains unsurprisingly resistant to purchase, even at 50 percent off.
It's Week 4 of Monday Morning Quarterback, a feature that combines our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style.
Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.
Once again Romo had a costly pick, but saved it for the postgame presser. MB tip: only go deep into the ear canal when there's blown TV coverage. As for the dresser rating, the non-throwing arm at this angle should expose a wide-open shirt cuff.
When you're 6'2" and 220 lbs., it's not easy finding a shirt that looks at least two sizes too big for you. We encourage the Rams QB to stop shopping JC Penney's Husky Linemen section and get into something a little more fitted.
With his red union suit and sad, shell-shocked gaze, back-up Matt Flynn looks like a nine-year-old on Christmas morning slowly coming to grips with the fact that he's going to go at least one more year without a BB gun.
As the week's lowest-rated passer, we applaud Cassell's instinct to look inconspicuous. However, we think his Week 14 beanie, pulled completely over his face, 7-Eleven robbery style, would have been more effective than his baseball cap disguise.
We suppose if your last name is Luck, it's inevitable that you develop superstitions, and after a month of MMQB, it's clear what Luck's post-game ritual is: Skip the showers; hit the presser wearing lucky performance T; make a face like the Geico caveman. It's not the strangest superstition we've ever heard of, but it's certainly a contender for the least stylish.
Q: I was randomly looking through Kickstarter today and saw this: American-made, American-grown underwear. What do you think? —Brian in Seattle
A: In a world where over 56,000 people have pledged over $8.3 million for a clunky wrist device that looks like a Swatch humped a Skycaddie, you'd think American-made (and American-grown, as you astutely point out) undies would generate at least, say, half a mil, right?
No, but a still-impressive $163K has been pledged for Jake Bronstein's Flint and Tinder to make classic briefs, straight-leg boxers, and boxer-briefs at a California clothing factory powered partially by the sun.
While we're opposed to boxer-briefs with leg bands, and "tighty whities" violate our guidelines on testicle-constricting underwear, the boxers look worth the modest investment. We're in.
Q: Considering Ginch Gonch. How much fun can underwear be? --Eric
A: We don't remember wearing underwear this brightly colored (or legible) since 1st grade, when we didn't have much say in the matter. With names like "Thick n' Meaty," "London Ballin'," "Mighty Muscle," and "Tiger's Wood," we get the strong sense the GG marketing department may be overcompensating for something. However, we'd definitely consider the bacon sleep pants because everyone knows that everything -- including sleep pants -- is better with bacon.
The mirdle. We are not opposed to paying $78 for a t-shirt. But not for one that performs the Heimlich Maneuver on us for hours at a time. If we wanted to be held that closely, we'd spend more time picking up women with abandonment issues.
Q: Dear MB: I have made the undies switch from cotton boxers to low cut boxer briefs (which i will refer to as "boy shorts"). I know the ladies and my balls love it but was this the right move? —Graham
A: We can't vouch for your ladies, but are you sure your balls love 'em? Now it's like they're strapped into a seatbelt, and you're only driving on the conveyor belt in a carwash. Regardless, your question prompted us to do one of our favorite things: create a pseudo-scientific chart. We've concluded there is a direct correlation between underwear style value and testicle constriction:
Today's question: the play is sending me this weekend's picks from Victoria Secret – (Pink Satin Baby Dolls) and inquiring on my style of undergarments. Help! Don't want to get into the boxer / brief debate and there is no way I'll be caught in anything that looks like a Speedo, but need official MB guidance – what about silk boxers? The activities of this weekend could be in jeopardy if I'm not wearing the correct uniform for the game. —Tom
A: Tom, if we can take any credit in getting you some action, well, it's perhaps the highest form of praise. Now regarding your underwear selection, let's be clear about what's happening here: The "play" is sending you links to Victoria's Secret Pink Satin Baby Dolls. It doesn't matter whether you're in boxers, briefs, a g-string, or even this Cavalli leopard print, she's into you and you cannot possibly fuck it up.
Gin and Tonic
2 oz Hayman's Old Tom Gin
2 dashes orange bitters
premium tonic water (Fever Tree or Q Tonic)
Pour gin over ice in a rocks glass, add the bitters, add tonic water to taste. Garnish with a lime or orange twist.