Magnificent Bastard

Monday, April 22, 2024



2024

Witness Rehabilitation: Get Him a Suit

Witness Rehabilitation: Get Him a Suit

Last week former Trump fixer Michael Cohen testified against his old boss in a civil trial, and under cross examination "appeared flustered" and "wobbled," leaving questions about how the star witness will perform under cross in the higher-profile (and criminal) porn star payoff trial.

The NYT reports: "One option for Ms. Hoffinger (the prosecutor from the Manhattan DA's office) would be to extensively prepare Mr. Cohen before the trial, which is scheduled to begin in late March, though it may be pushed to a later date."

Top prep tip: Have him not wear denim to court.

Normally we are in favor of dressing down a notch. In fact, in Paul Fussell's canon "Class" he describes taking The X Way Out, which is what we've been shooting for since reading the book 35 years ago. Regarding dress:

...X people tend to dress for themselves alone, which means they dress comfortably, and generally "down." One degree down will usually do the trick: if black tie is designated, an X person appears in a dark suit (of a distinctly unstylish, archaic cut) and a notable necktie. If suits are expected, he omits the tie. If "informal" is the proclaimed style, his jeans will be torn and patched, his cords very used, if not soiled. If others are wearing bathing suits, X people are likely to show up naked.

Cohen's dad jeans are about three or four degrees removed from X-person styling guidelines, the equivalent of showing up naked to black tie. The next case is in front of a jury. Ms. Hoffinger: Get your client within one degree of star witness designated attire and get him into a suit, and perhaps even consider adding a tie.

Ron DeSantis Has a Footwear Problem

Ron DeSantis Has a Footwear Problem

Ron DeSantis has much bigger problems than being bad at campaigning, a bad voice, and bad at not being an unlikable dick.

Yes, we're talking about his footwear.

Of course there was last fall's comical white go-go boot show Photoshoppers used to turn Ron into a green M&M and an obese Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

Over the 4th of July there was a new shoe incident at a New Hampshire parade. Standing here drenched, he looks to be wearing orthopedic coal miner boots for the vertically challenged.

They made his daughter cry.

We were so taken aback by these clodhoppers, we were wondering where a guy could even buy some. The closest we got was the Monster Boot collection at Halloween Express.

Can you locate these? The first reader to send a link to Ron's black boots will be sent a complimentary Minimum Viable Wallet with three straps of their choice. Send a note to editor@magnificentbastard.com.

Attorney Malpractice: Cutaway Collar

Attorney Malpractice: Cutaway Collar

We haven't paid close attention to the Donald Trump rape trial, but yesterday it became unavoidable as live blogging made its way to the NYT home page.

Closing arguments were notable because Trump's attorney, Joe Tacopina, went on for two hours. Also notable: Trump's attorney, Joe Tacopina, is one of the last men on the planet who should wear a cutaway collar, just ahead of Meatwad.

Earlier: Spread collars make your face look fatter

What Glenn Youngkin's Win Means For Donald Trump: Shopping

Left: Glenn Youngkin as quintessential middle-aged toolbag. Right: Sad shopper.
Left: Glenn Youngkin as quintessential middle-aged toolbag. Right: Sad shopper.

In 2016 we made an unimpeachable case that Donald Trump won the GOP nomination primarily because voters were raging against establishment casual and casting ballots against anyone wearing a zip mock neck sweater.

That Republican Glenn Youngkin won a blue-state gubernatorial race clad in a fleece vest means that L.L. Bean is again a safe space for 2024 GOP hopefuls.

We predict that Donald Trump — ever the follower — will soon appear in meekly-rolled sleeves, a yellow Ashli Babbitt cause bracelet, and zippered fleece of some kind.

Next week: How to pick a vest that doesn't make you look like Glenn Youngkin.

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Whiskey Manhattan

  • 3 oz rye whiskey
  • 1 oz sweet vermouth, preferably Dolin
  • 3 dashes Fee Brothers Whiskey Barrel-Aged bitters

Stir over ice, strain into a chilled cocktail glass, and garnish with a pearl onion.


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