Magnificent Bastard

Wednesday, July 24, 2024

The Spectacular Bitch on Engagement Rings

The Spectacular Bitch on Engagement Rings
Ed. Note: As luck would have it, the Spectacular Bitch has moved into some office space right across the street from MB headquarters. Main Street just got a lot more interesting. This morning she came shooting out of her front door like a bat out of hell in heels, brandishing her laptop and bringing out every dog (human and canine) in Pulaski to see what the ruckus was about. We gotta admit, it was highly entertaining until we realized she was heading our way. Was it something we said?

You will have to forgive me, but did the MB just tell a hapless lad named Mitch that he did NOT have to buy his lady a proper engagement ring? A lady, whose lady friends all just recently got some ice? Mitch. MITCH! Read my lips: following this advice is a one way ticket to the doghouse. Who you gonna believe?

When you decided you liked it and Beyonce told you to put a ring on it, she was most definitely not talking about a subtle, understated platinum band. Boyfriend, is your love subtle and understated? The ring that MB would have you buy would be lovely for your actual wedding day, as a wedding ring, but an engagement ring is a whole different beast. A whole different gorgeous bad-ass one-of-a-kind beast. Kind of like you, Mitch.

Your instincts are good regarding the cookie cutter solitaire diamonds held aloft on prongs. That is not my favorite look and chances are, not your betrothed-to-be's either. Birds of a feather flock together and I think she, like you, might have something more creative in mind. Is she a romantic? Then perhaps a '20s art deco ring that whispers of torrid past love affairs, smoky speakeasies, and far flung adventures. Is she a futurist? Then perhaps something architectural, modern and clean -- a beautiful heirloom for the future. Is she a nature girl? Then she might like something soft, organic, rough-hewn and evocative of the elements. Is she wee and slight, with hands no bigger than a child's? Then perhaps something wee and slight.

My point, Mitch, is to ask her. Talk about it. Shop around. Look online. Get an idea of what she likes or find the perfect ring together and save the big surprise for the when and how of it all (just promise me you won’t pop the question in a restaurant). Trust me, no matter how down-to-earth or pragmatic she might be, she wants something that will make her feel all fluttery inside when she looks at her hand. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t have to be a diamond. It just has to be something she finds beautiful.

This ring, like you, is forever. So do yourself a favor, doll, and make it a good one.

Happy happy!





  • 2 parts Hayman's Old Tom Gin
  • 1 part sweet vermouth (Carpano Antica Formula or Dolin Rouge)
  • 1/4 part Luxardo Maraschino liqueur
  • 2 dashes Fee Brothers Whiskey Barrel Aged Bitters

Shake or swirl lightly, garnish with a lemon twist.

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