Magnificent Bastard

Thursday, September 21, 2023

Magnificent Bastard Champagne Guide

Fucking Amateurs
Fucking Amateurs
We're not big on New Year's Eve parties. In our view, they're for fucking amateurs. MBs are professional partiers; perhaps even in the direction of having a small problem. (Manageable!) But we digress.

If you're obligated to attend a party, or perhaps it's a birthday party/holiday party combo, here's our champagne guide. The key here: stay above the line for MB-ness.

champagne guide


Cristalino Brut Cava NV $7.99
Cavas, for the most part, keep on the good side of the line. Solid value keeps this one constantly available in the wine chiller (Viking or GE Monogram, not U-Line or Haier). If it gets any more popular, though, it may jump the line to join the likes of Freixenet.

Avinyo Brut Cava NV $14.99
Great taste, though at $15 she better be worth it for weekday swigging. Fortunately, it’s still obscure enough to keep it Bastard-worthy.

Duval-Leroy Brut NV $33.99
French champagne solidly in the MxB zone.

Nicolas Feuillatte NV Brut $24.95
French champagne solidly in the MxB zone, though not quite as solidly as Duval-Leroy.

1996 Billecart-Salmon Cuvée Nicolas Francois Brut $120
Anything from Billecart-Salmon might make the lady, well, seasonally appreciative. You feelin' us?


Moet & Chandon Brut or White Star NV $32.99
Brut or White Star? Coke or Pepsi?

Moet & Chandon Dom Perignon $149.99
Shows up on too many toolbags' January expense accounts.

Zardetto Prosecco $11.99
Though the MB can admit that some mid-priced Italian Proseccos are good, it will take decades before he doesn't think they are all just overpriced Martini Rossi Asti Spumanti.

Korbel Extra Dry $10.99
We'll admit that Korbel can crank out palatable cheap stuff, but it has all the Bastard-worthiness of, well, Cook's.

Cook's Brut $5.99
This sparkling wine from Cook's is well placed in the lower left of the graph, facing the corner.




  • 2 parts Hayman's Old Tom Gin
  • 1 part sweet vermouth (Carpano Antica Formula or Dolin Rouge)
  • 1/4 part Luxardo Maraschino liqueur
  • 2 dashes Fee Brothers Whiskey Barrel Aged Bitters

Shake or swirl lightly, garnish with a lemon twist.

In-Depth Martinez Coverage:

MB Holiday Cocktail Guide


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